Want to know how to sabotage any chance of starting up a relationship? Hi, I'm Lisa and I'll be your guide.

Last week
(Work-Buddy-James shortened to WBJ)

ME: Some guy asked me out on a date the other day.
WBJ: What did you say?
ME: It's hard to tell. All I remember is cold sweat followed by a feeling somewhere between panic and doom at the bottom of my stomach. After that, the conversation went by in a bit of a haze.
WBJ: Because you liked him?
ME: No.
WBJ: Because you were repulsed by him?
ME: No.
WBJ: Then why?
ME: Because he asked me out on a date.

Pause

WBJ: I don't get it.
ME: Neither do I.
WBJ: So are you going to go out with him?
ME: I don't think so. I'm pretty sure I said no... I may have told him I'd check my diary.
WBJ: Are you going to say yes?
ME: I don't know... I hope not.
WBJ: Is that decision not up to you?
ME: I'm not exactly my most responsive when there's flirting involved.
WBJ: Why's that?
ME: Because there's flirting involved.

Pause

WBJ: I don't think I follow
ME: Neither do I.
WBJ: Does this happen with all flirting?
ME: When I'm aware it's flirting yes. Otherwise I just assume I've made a new friend. I usually have to be informed by an outside source if it's otherwise.
WBJ: You should blog about this.
ME: Nah
WBJ: Why not?
ME: Because it makes me look crazy
WBJ: I think that ship's already sailed.


3 months ago

RACHAEL: Have you seen that guy you liked that smiled at you the other day yet?
ME: I'm over that now
RACHAEL: Did you talk to him?
ME: No
RACHAEL: What happened?
ME: More than one person found out about it and it became this thing. That's too much pressure.
RACHAEL: Did he find out?
ME: No.
RACHAEL: Does he at least know your name yet?
ME: No.
RACHAEL: Have you even seen him since?
ME: No.
RACHAEL: So where's the pressure?
ME: I don't know for sure but I feel better now I've decided not to like him.



8 months ago

ALWYN: You've been grinning into your phone for half an hour now.
ME: Have I?
ALWYN: Do you have a new guy friend by any chance?

Pause.

ME: Maybe
ALWYN: What's he like?
ME: He's really nice. He's ginger. I met him at my best friend's wedding. He was working. I complimented his hair. His mate gave me his number and we've been texting ever since. He's funny and really nice... of course he lives on the other side of Essex so it would only work if he had a car as I don't drive... But I can't expect him to do all the driving, that wouldn't be fair... I suppose I could offer to pay for petrol... I'm not sure if I can afford that at the moment though... plus he works most evenings so it would have to be at weekends and if I give up anymore of those then I'll never finish my book...

*Looks at phone*

...I don't know if he does drive... it seems like a lot of hassle to get organised... plus he might decide it's not worth the travel... ah well. It was fun while it lasted.

Pause

ALWYN: (looks at watch) 30 seconds. That's a new record.



1 year ago

ME: I think I like him
DANIELA: Oooh, can I tell him?
ME: No!
DANIELA: Why not?
ME: Because we're not in High School
DANIELA: Well, are you going to tell him?
ME: No.
DANIELA: Why not?
ME: Because then he'll know.
DANIELA: Are you afraid he might not like you back?
ME: Or worse. What if he does like me?


1 year/3 years/10 years/11 years ago

ME: I like you.
HIM: I'm gay.


In case you ever wondered why I've been single for so long.

Now you know.