Monday, 25 April 2011

I am so not competitive... in fact you could say that I am the most non competitive person there is... I'll arm wrestle you to prove it.

Here's a new thing about me that you will most undoubtedly die happy knowing about. I happen to have a very ugly looking competitive side. Especially when it comes to sports.

The one problem with this is unfortunately I happen to be very average when it comes to sport based games... Actually, who am I kidding? I'm highly below average.

So when I went to help Claire-The-Bully move into Rachael-The-Bully's house (at 8pm so that actually all of the moving in would have been completed) and Claire-The-Bully suggested unpacking her Wii Player, I should have guessed that this was going to turn me into a highly stressed out Lisa.

It's not that I want to suck all the fun out of the game until everyone has become really angry with each other in their sudden urge to win. It's just my competitive streak tends to goad people so much that the games always end up finishing that way.

I don't know what it is, but every time anyone mentions the word 'game,' I automatically am filled with a sudden urge to win. It starts as this little pull somewhere near the bottom of my chest, but then as the rules of the game are explained the urge will grow inside of me until it's buzzing around my head, telling me that bad things will happen if I don't win.

Not wanting the world to implode on itself (as it no doubtedly would if I did not feed my urge and win), I start psyching myself up, telling me that no matter how ridiculous the prospect of me winning can be in this scenario, I have to give everything I have until I have accomplished either victory or death.

This has been the case in a series of stupid games throughout my life.

Whether it's eating raw jelly in the quickest amount of time.

Swinging from a harness around an assault course in the trees.

Playing Bingo whilst on holiday.

Or even through a competition whereby I had to have come up with the best dance/costume to win.

(yes I am the one with the dramatic stance whilst everyone else on her team watches her nervously)

All that being said. I should have guessed that behaving this way around Claire-The-Bully and Rachael-The-Bully would inevitably result in some ultimate ganging up on me from their side. I mean, they don't usually need much to get them going and me throwing catty remarks at them with each game I lost was going to rub them up the wrong way and make them hell bent to ensure I never won at anything ever again.

So when Rachael-The-Bully suggested a good game of Wii Bowling, I felt the urge start to pull somewhere near the bottom of my chest and I realised that this was not going to end pretty.

The first game went as it usually does with me when I play any kind of activity sport (be it real or virtual). I sucked majorly but refused to admit that that was the reason why I was losing and so blamed it on the game and not on me.

Yes, I do this all the time but this game I reckon I was actually justified. You see, I just couldn't get that stupid bowling ball to go in a straight line. No matter how straight I was bowling it (and trust me, I was) it would keep on veering off to one side.

"There's something wrong with this game." I said, after the eighth time of watching the ball fall into the gutter at the last moment.

Claire threw me a skeptical look. "It's funny how the game only seems to be reacting to you in that way isn't it?"

"That means nothing." I said. "It's your game, you've probably rigged it."

"You're obviously putting a curve on the ball at the last minute. Plus you're not centre to the TV. Get closer to Rachael."

"Claire, if I get any closer to Rachael I'm going to be sitting on her!"

"Please don't sit on me." Rachael murmured as she continued to rummage through her sewing bag and ignore the game completely.

I threw the virtual ball again, paying special attention to the angle of my hand and twisting it the right this time as I let go to prove my point. As was usual the ball rolled up the lane in a straight line and then at the last moment veered off to the left.

"It's broken!" I exclaimed, throwing the Wii remote at Rachael.

Rachael sighed and stood up with the remote. "It's not broken, look."

Rachael threw her arm back but stumbled as she brought it forward again, throwing it off to one angle, the virtual ball flew out of her hand and down the lane.

"Whoops, didn't mean to do that."

We all watched as the ball in some bizarre move curved it's way back into a straight line on the lane and smacked all the pins down, giving Rachael her third fluke strike in a row.

"Hey! Look at that!" Rachael laughed as she passed the remote to Claire and sat back down again.

Claire stared at her open mouthed. I shook my head in disgust. Pushing as much venom as I possibly could into it, I looked her in the eyes and muttered.

"I hate you."

The game continued as that until all ten goes were played, I came last, Jammy Rachael came second and Claire won out of, what she would call 'talent,' but what I would call 'a girl who has too much time on her hands that she would have played this game so much she was actually good at it.'

Apparently this was an example of how I played ugly when it came to games and if I were actually winning then I would think that was a good thing, but I wasn't too sure about that.

"Fancy another game?" Rachael asked.

Claire looked at me with a smirk pasted on her face. "Yeah, why not, it's always good to watch Lisa get upset over something."

Revived with the possibility of another game, whereby I would suddenly find my untapped talent for Wii Bowling and unleash it on the world, I hastily agreed.

"Bring it on," I said. "I was just warming up in the first game, I'll be ready for you now."

"Yeah right," Claire said. "You're not fooling anyone."

I stared Claire down and gave her my victory stance. I was going to win this one. I had to.

If I was honest, I knew it wouldn't happen. I knew it was lost before it began. But I couldn't stop the urge within me to win. I had to try.

I threw my first bowl and watched it, as per usual, veer off to the left. I growled at the TV and cursed the people who had thought up Wii. I then threw the second bowl and in some miraculous 'Rachael like' move I watched the ball knock over the remaining pins.

I had scored my first spare. MY FIRST SPARE!!!!

Overwhelmed by my sudden talent I danced around the room, pulling a less than excited Claire into a dance with me.

The game progressed and one after the other, on each of my turns, I continued to get spare after spare after spare. Somewhere around the sixth go I then progressed my talent to the next level and watched myself bowl a strike.

The moment that last pin hit the floor it was as if the world had gone into silence. I watched transfixed as the word Strike appeared on my screen, and then the excitement began. I erupted.

I created a new dance to add to my repertoire. A victory dance. I can't really explain it too much but it did involve a lot of waving my bum in the faces of Claire and Rachael.

I don't really want to tell you rest of the story as it is possible that my game loses some of it's pizazz after that. So I'm going to be one of those people that only tells half of a story and leave you with the image that I finally beat the lovable bullies, Claire and Rachael, because in my mind that's where the game ended and that's when I became victorious.

Plus this has become a really long post and if by some miraculous chance you are still with me, I want you all to still love me and not become bored.

Peace out.

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