Thursday, 18 September 2014

The token 'I get deep' post of the month

I had a night out with Claire-The-Bully last night. It's been a while since I have mentioned her on this blog... actually might be close to three years... that's a bit ridiculous. Truth is, we haven't really seen as much of each other recently, as opposed to the almost weekly sessions we were doing with Rachael-The-Bully when I started writing this blog. At the time, we lived around the corner to each other. Now... not so much.

However, my new place is quite close to where Claire-The-Bully works so it has become a little more convenient for meeting up and such. Due to this, we had one of those nights where we had almost a year worth of our lives to catch each other up on. Dare I say it, there was not one bit of bullying involved. We ate ramen, drank wine, and debated over what we deemed as 'good' on Netflix.

One thing that I am noticing, now that I've lost a large chunk of the weight I had put on, is the sheer amount of people who were massively shocked and concerned for me when I was heavy. I've met up with Claire-And-Rachael-The-Bullies separately recently and they have both mentioned now how much my weight gain had shocked them. I'd turn up at the odd social event, twice as heavy as I had been the last time they had seen me, and they were stunned apparently. Now... Claire-The-Bully is adamant that she mentioned this to me when I was heavy, and to be honest, I don't doubt it. However, I have no memory of this. We think they mainly voiced their concerns when I brought it up; making a comment like "I've got so big recently" and instead of saying the classic friend thing of "It's not that bad!" or "No, you're fine", they would just nod vehemently in my direction, fully accepting that that was the case.

I'm not one of those people who thinks everybody should be thin. I think if you're happy with the weight you are at and it isn't causing you any health concerns, then be that weight. I, when I was at my heaviest, was anything but happy. I was a hermit who only surfaced from my bed for work and when I was forced out by friends, which was very rarely. When I was my fattest, I was also my saddest. I was 16 stone of depression who solved her issues of sad feelings with chocolate, wine, McDonalds and KFC. There is no denying that there is a direct correlation between my starting to feel better and my loss in weight. My weight has always been determined by the mood I'm in though. Five years prior to that, when I went through the first major breakdown, I was eating a Dominos pizza a night, but couldn't physically keep the weight on. I was my skinniest and once again, it was only once I got into a more healthy environment that I started to gain weight. Basically, my body is a drama queen who doesn't like being left out of the mental issues I've had so creates fun and exciting ways to be included. It always has been a bitch that way.

I am now a year and 3 months out of depression. I have never lasted this long in the 12 years I suffered from it. Talking to Claire-The-Bully and catching her up on my shizzle, really confirmed to me the amazing place I am now in. I found a yoga DVD this week that Housemate-Anna had bought me three years ago in a desperate attempt to try and settle my mind a bit. I thought I'd give it a go again and couldn't believe how easy and peaceful I suddenly found it. When I used it before I just couldn't get my mind to cooperate with the exercises. Only by doing it again did I realise just how ill I was at that time.

For anyone who still thinks that depression is just a form of being sad due to things around them, and that it should be easy to get over, I say don't be freakin' ridiculous. Sure, in many situations depression can be sparked by a troubled life. Horrible things lead to horrible feelings. When someone is depressed because they have been through some form of trauma, it tends to be a bit more accepted, as opposed to a person who is depressed without really experiencing any traumas at all. The truth is, depression will rear it's ugly head regardless of how good you've got it. It's what makes it an illness as opposed to having a bad day.

I haven't had a bad life. I have a loving family and friends who have supported me unconditionally throughout the years. I've had sad things happen to me, but nothing that I would say traumatised me or sparked off the depression. My depression just simply grew within me, despite my positive life. I had people tell me that I had no reason to be depressed because my life was so much better than most peoples. At the time, I couldn't really respond. I would naturally assume that they were right and try my hardest to feel happy and appreciate the things around me. However, it never worked. If anything, it just made me worse. My depression went against all reason. I'm not a particularly pessimistic person, I still appreciated everyone around me and knew when something was funny and good. But regardless of all that, I had recurrent nightmares and woke up every morning with a chest that felt like lead.

When I started to get better, nothing changed that much in my life. I still kept the same friends and family. I worked the same profession I always had. I went out a little more and changed the things that were contributing towards my depression, but other than that, my circumstances didn't change. What changed was that suddenly I was able to enjoy them. Somehow the correct response of feeling good when good things happened was starting to work. After a bit of practice, I was able to be in social settings without wanting to run a mile, and began to like being there. As the year has progressed, my circumstances have changed for the better. My work and home are both new and amazing, I've found the confidence to reach out to new friends and rekindled some old friendships. I currently have a series of very important and positive people in my life; all of them mean the world to me and I know that I am loved by them. I don't look at them and question why they hang out with me internally, or subconsciously find ways to sabotage it. I'm simply able to feel happy with having them around. It sounds easy enough, but it is a very new ability for me.

I never take for granted when I feel happy since being better. It's still a novel thing to me. However, it takes moments of reflection like last night, where the last time I had seen Claire-The-Bully I was in a very different place, for me to really see how much things have changed. I adore it and I can't wait for what my future has in store...

If you want to read my full story of recovery and illness etc; feel free to click here. 

Otherwise, speak soon and, as always...

Peace out my lovelies.

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