Thursday, 31 May 2012

You... you... scrummy little person you.

Hey you.

Might I just say that you are looking stunning today. I mean phwoar!! Well done you for having a face like yours. You really know how to work it! And those clothes? My.days. You are one sexy and fashionable individual. As for the way you speak? Well, let's just say it gives me tingles. I mean real shivers all the way down my spine. I could listen to those dolcet tones for the rest of my life.

Don't even get me started on that thing you're really good at! Seriously amazing on so many levels. I am in awe of your natural talent. I wish I could be as naturally talented as you. You are simply a genius at that thing! A.complete.genius.

Also, that thing that you're not good at? I just wish I was as good at being not good at something as you are. You totally beat me in that area. Only you could take a fault and do it to such an extreme that it becomes amazing and once again makes you the leader in your field for being bad at that one thing.

I mean seriously, do you ever get tired of being so unbelievably awesome? Do you ever wake up and think "Man, it is such a burden being me"? I'm telling you now, if I were as awesome as you I would struggle under the strain of the awesomeness. There are literally no words to describe the description of the awesomeness that you emanate.

The other day I watched you pick up that thing and thought to myself, 'One day, if I could just pick up that thing like you did, then I would be happy to die right there and then, knowing that I was dying a happy son of a gun.'

Anyway, I know you are busy being amazing and although you would never say it, on the account of you being so freakin kickass, I do not want to waste anymore of your valuable time as I know you could probably be using it to do all the out of this world things that you do... like breathing. Man, the way you do it with such ease? I have never known anyone to convert oxygen into carbon dioxide in such delicious way as you do with every second of every day.

I'll just leave you with this hidden secret that I've been carrying with me for quite some time, something that I'm not too sure I've properly expressed in the above text.


You rock.

And I love you.


... Sometimes it's nice to have something nice to read.

Peace out my lovelies.

Wednesday, 30 May 2012

Lack of money is not a problem when you keep your standards really low.

It has come to my attention that I negated to talk about the large population of British people that in fact do not like the hot weather in my last post. There was a reason for this... I covered this topic last year and I'm nothing if not fresh and current with every new post... sometimes. However, if you would like a full picture of just how fickle our lovely collection of islands are, then please feel free to read here.

Today has been one of those days where I have found myself running around the place where I work. Or as I like to call it, my annual trip to the gym. Yes, today I have come the closest to what I constitute as exercise and I have to admit, I feel the pounds dropping off me as I talk. Not only that, but I have started this amazing new diet which is called the "No money for food" diet. All it consists of is scraping into the depths of my pockets for enough money for four cans of tuna and two packets of noodles and then looking forward the designated time of the day where I treat myself by eating. It really is a good way at creating silver linings around the depression that is the recession.

When I see the chance to eat as a treat rather than a necessity for living, it also becomes a lot better to handle. It's like... hey, I could either not eat at all today and probably not die or I could treat myself to a nice tasty bowl of tuna and feel even closer to not dying! Hurrah to me! Treats are awesome.

In case anyone is wondering, yes I did move out of the flat that sucked all my money out of my account and into a much more money friendly flat but alas the extent of the money grabbing of my last flat still demands of me that I'm less picky about my sustenance in the current climate. Have no fear however, because I have a plan in place for more work and next week I'm considering replacing the noodles for baked beans in a can with little pork sausages inside. You know, give me something new to look forward to! I may have to splash out and buy some bread for the possibility of beans on toast, however I am confident that my budget should be able to cover it. It's worth giving yourself a little treat every now and again! Oooh, I think I'm going to by Hovis bread, be really dangerous! Okay now I am mega excited for next week, it will be such an exciting time!

So this is my new outlook on life and the rubbishness of no money because bank people stole it from me... I shall instead see it as an adventure! What small excitement can I bring out of today's allocated 50p?? Oooh! Only time will tell! Come on guys, know you're excited with me! It's okay, you can show it!

Peace out my lovelies.

Tuesday, 29 May 2012

It ain't half hot... wishful thinking and a mind that likes to wander.

The weather has been amazeballs this week. I was reluctant to talk about this as it seems that whenever the weather gets really nice this always tends to become my topic of conversation... like I'm part of some awkward conversation with someone I don't know very well and all there is to talk about is the state of the weather which lasts for like 3 minutes max before the conversation dies out and we're left standing together in a crowded room, holding onto our drinks and shuffling our feet uncomfortably as there is literally nothing else to say. Of course this then leads to both of us glancing desperately around the room at other people's conversations and actions, hoping for all that is righteous and good in the world that someone does something embarrassing like trip over their own feet or drop an entire platter of food just so we can turn our attention to that and then begin another blissful three minutes of amusing comments over their mishap as finally someone's discomfort is bigger than ours... until those three minutes are up and there are no more witty anecdotes to make about the other random stranger so that we're back to the same uncomfortable shuffling of feet and clearing of throats, once again searching for someone else in the room, this time looking for someone who we know so that we can say "I have to go say hi to that person over there, I haven't seen them in ages!" (Secretly knowing that we came with said person and see them almost every day). And although this will be a lie, both parties are more than happy to accept it and breathe a sigh of relief as we walk off to talk to someone who won't leave us feeling comfortable and actually start enjoying ourselves...

Except it's not like that at all because I don't feel awkward with any of you, I highly enjoy our conversations and being socially awkward is completely accepted in these circles as it has to be the one thing on some level that joins us all together in one beautiful socially awkward and emotionally stunted circle.

So my actual reason for wanting to talk about the weather has little to do with small talk and is actually more about the fact that nice weather hardly ever happens in England and so when it does happen everyone is thrown into such a hurrah that it becomes the only thing that we can talk about, knowing full well that this week of gorgeous heat and blazing sunshine will probably be what constitutes as our summer and soon it will start raining and become chilly and we'll look back fondly at this time whilst commenting that our summer this year seemed a little longer than it had been last year.

It's already coming to a close. There are threats of rain this afternoon. My friendly neighbourhood radio station this morning woke me up with the news along with the comments that all of us were already thinking which was, "if we all wish hard enough, maybe the rainclouds will simply go away." I feel like I should be in an episode of Care Bears, the whole country getting together, closing our eyes and wishing that our dreams can come true.

So far, although it has become slightly overcast, there has been no rain so we are all very excited as a nation.

In other news, I found myself completely aghast at my blatant lack of regard for the internet as yesterday I discovered that a new Starkid production had been put on youtube over a month ago and I was completely oblivious to it until last night. This fact alone left me feeling like I had failed as a person, which I'm sure you'll all agree is an adequate realisation to such an act. (For those of you who are saying "Starkid? Who are these people?" Please, please go and check them out. You may need several hours to go through their entire work but they are a theatre company who put on full productions and then upload the entire thing onto youtube. They are highly funny and definitely worth a look at.)

Anywho, they have a new production out called Holy Musical B@man. Which I made Housemate-Anna watch with me last night. Initially (being a more 'talk to people I can actually see rather than people I meet on the internet' person) Housemate-Anna was a little dubious about my choice of evening entertainment. Expecially when a man (Jo Walker) came onto the stage dressed in a very 70's style batman outfit with a plane model around his torso pretending to fly around Gothom. However, once she heard the song he sung about how he was so lonely without his mama and papa and how he needed a friend apart from his rubbish butler, I think she was converted.

Needless to say that I am scratching back my points on the internet by converting as many noobs as possible. Housemate-Anna is generally open to new and interesting TV shows that I might throw her way. She has drawn the line on Doctor Who, which I have taken at sheer blasphemy and almost found myself close to moving out, but then I thought... why not see it as a challenge? If I can get her into Starkid, The IT Crowd, Dawson's Creek, Phone Shop and even, for a total of five minutes before she realised what it was, Torchwood (the spin off series from Doctor Who) then there is still hope. My TV favs will be her TV favs. All I have to do is sit her in front of Flight of the Conchords and I am edging my way closer and closer to the ultimate goal... I will brainwash her. It is my duty as one of those weird housemates who doesn't really engage with the real world and prefers to spend her life wandering around the imaginary one. Wish me luck!

Peace out my lovelies

Monday, 28 May 2012

A couple of letters

To the people at my work who like to spontaneously turn the power off in my office,

Sometimes I try and work out just why you choose to this... without warning. But usually, when I start to apply logic to it I simply find myself at a loss.

Today was no exception to the rule, except that I might have been that little bit more peeved as usually I have a kickass saving technique for all my work and today I had not got round to implementing said technique. As such, there was a LOT of work that you consequentially then went and wiped from my computer. Needless to say, I was not the happiest of people when this realisation dawned on me.

I have, however, decided exactly why it is that you decide to this little trick to me... You hate me. You delight in causing me pain and discomfort and sit in your little office looking into hidden cameras of me to laugh heartily at my despair and open weeping... if this is the case, I can explain about all that muttering to myself during the day... there is a chance that you won't accept my reasons as a valid excuse but I can explain it.

Anywho, I just thought that I would let you know that I am onto you and I will not stop until I bring you to justice. Believe me, I won't say when but it will happen... when you least expect it... either that or I'll just cry and mutter to myself angrily the next time you do it whilst throwing empty threats onto the internet to make me feel better and more justified about my life.

So you know... be ready for that.


To everyone on the internet who has been disappointed in my blatant lack of commitment lately,

I have no words. I have no excuses. I am a bad person. A bad, bad person. I have been floating about in a lazy haze, unmotivated and being all sucky for those reasons.

There has been an excuse that I have that has not helped the matter, but I can't blame it fully on this... two weeks ago, I went to the actual real life Hogwarts, shred myself of my muggle status, donned my Griffindor cloak, mounted my broom and reached out with baited breath towards the snitch flying just beyond my reach. I walked in the great hall, I wandered around Dumbledore's office and gazed longingly at the bed Rupert Grint would have pretended to sleep in, in the boys Dormitory in Hogwarts. I caught the Knight bus, stopped and had a butterbeer, knocked on the Dursley's front door in Privett Drive and sat in the side car of Hagrids motorbike whilst One-And-Only-Daniela pretended to drive me to magical places...

I then saw Tom Riddles' gravestone. My mouth opened in sheer awe, it looked terrifying, looming over me in a shadowed area in between the knight bus and Privet Drive. I could not take my eyes off of it, Voldermort had me in his trance. I simply had to have a photo of this terrifying spectacle to tell the world that I had been brave enough to get as close as I was to such an ominous thing. In an adrenaline rush that took over my entire body, I whipped my iphone 4s out of my bag with such gusto that, before I knew what was happening, the phone was out of my hand and flying through the air. Gravity took over and no matter how far I lunged forward to save my poor little brick that was my lifeline to all things internetual, the phone landed on the ground before I could reach it with such a large 'thunk' that I swear I actually heard it's little heart break from the strain. With an immense chill that encompassed me entirely, I reached down and retrieved my phone, knowing before I even turned it over, that there was no way the poor thing could have survived such a horrific accident.

I was right.

My phone lit up as I pressed the little round button but instead of the picture of my beautiful god daughter staring up at me as is per usual, all that my phone showed me was a series of blue lines. It had happened, Voldemort had struck again and I felt the full force of his expelliarmus spell on me. He must have thought I was going for my wand rather than my phone and wanted to disarm me as soon as possible, which sucks because I hadn't even been given my first wand yet... I'm a late bloomer in terms of my wizardry. If only Voldemort had known.

So due to this, I can only navigate my phone through the use of Siri and guess where the numbers are in terms of tapping on the right thing on my screen. I have an old iphone which has wifi access but no active sim card. My internetual life has therefore become very limited and for this I am sorry, I should have been more on my guard in the presence of he who must not be named.

In case any of you are wondering where the heck I was when all this happened, I was at the Harry Potter Studio Tours and it was simply amazing, aside from the obvious incident mentioned above.

Also, if anyone was curious, butterbeer tastes like a liquified version of Worthers Originals.

I will try my hardest to be more motivated, I like it when I am motivated. I also miss all my internetual friends. There has been a deep hole in my life since I have been absent.

Sorry my lovelies


Thursday, 10 May 2012

She was a pretty awesome gal: an explanation

It's funny how life can get you sometimes. Right in the gut when you're least expecting it. Today has been a bad day because one of the most bizarre and ausome girls died two years ago today. As such I have found my eyes to be leaking incessantly and sadness appears to be creeping up on me from all angles. I miss this girl pretty much every day but for some reason today, being her anniversary has hit me harder than usual. I don't totally get it as technically this day is no different from the rest of my days, I do miss her all those other days but what is the difference? Maybe because it is now two years that I haven't heard her dirty laugh and it marks that time goes on without her which, in my opinion is a travesty, especially for those who never got a chance to meet her.

Each time today when I have tried to explain her awesomeness To current friends who never had the chance to meet her, I have found myself saying, "dude, you would have loved her, she would have totally made you laugh for all the wrong reasons. The fact that she was able to do this was down to one simple thing, she was truly a one in a million. I worked with Tammy Evans for a short year and a half and not once in that time did she ever not surprise me. She was fierce and loyal and so rediculous you couldn't help but be carried away by her frantic schemes. I wish more than anything that I had gotten to know her better than I did because with Tams there was always so much more to learn.

You see, this girl had cancer. The crappiness of it all was that she was completely on the mend: clear scans and all, when she suddenly became sick and died in the space of one week. All this meant, that even though we had been there with her for the 6 months she battled with chemo, we all really thought that she'd won.

I want to do her justice, the problem with all of this is that although I knew her well, today I realised that I was in fact starting to forget odd things about her. There are things that will never be forgot like that amazingly dirty laugh of hers and the crudeness she added to all that she had to say. Her complete honesty in everything, no matter how deep the details of her experiences went.

I sat with her at her funniest, at her most vulnerable and at her most rediculous. I pretty much loved all sides of her, I like to think that bits of her have been rubbed off on me.

For example, I text a mutual friends of ours today and called this woman in the text "my lovely". This friend simply text back... "That's what Tammy used to call everyone." I had completely forgot that she did but as you can all see by the way I sign off my blogs, (peace out my lovelies) I had inadvertently gained her trait and have taken it with me as pretty much very text I send to a loved one starts with "hey my lovely".

I know you guys have no relevance to this woman, and so can only read with maybe a little bit of sympathy but not much relativity, but I can only tell you now. I wish you could have known her, and if I had had the brains to start this blog a year prior to when I did, her conversations and antics would fill most of the pages on this thing.

Sorry to be so morbid today, but I assure you, she is a woman that not one of you wouldn't have adored because, quite simply, she was 100% unique. Therefore I had to write a blog to explain my retweet of last years blog and take one silly and cheesy moment to say, every friend you have, every person that makes you laugh and cry like none other, every person who, when they surprise you by saying the most amazing thing ever and leaves you with that feeling that simply says "You're awesome." Cherish them. You probably already do but I felt that today I just had to reinforce the point because I don't think I told Tammy enough. And although I'm sure she already knew it (because she was awesome like that) I still regret not saying it aloud enough.

Peace out my lovelies.