Wednesday, 31 August 2011

I don't know what's worse: the fact that my LOCDs are increasing at a spectacular rate or how much I am completely okay with it.

On the bus home from work, I tend to sit on the chair just behind the stairs on the top level. This reason is so that I get a little extra leg room and I'm on the side of the bus that stays in the shade from the sun. 

Once I reach my stop and go to catch my train, I have a certain section of the bench at Plaistow Station that I always sit on. It's perfect for when I'm waiting because when the train arrives all I need to do is walk forward and I'm directly in front of the door of the back carriage. 

This is good so that when my train reaches Moorgate station the back carriage stops nearest the stairs I need to go down in order to get to my next train. 

Once I get on that train I need to ensure I get on the front carriage and sit on the middle seats on the right hand side, facing away from the direction the train is going in. 

My reason for this is so my window stops outside the sign at Drayton Park Station that says the following:

You may not be able to see it but this piece of graffiti says "I Love you Debbee Norman. Always."

I like looking at this bit of graffiti because I always wonder whether this man/woman still loves Debbee Norman. If so, are they married? Do they have kids? Do they sometimes come back to this sign with the offspring and chuckle over the good days? 

If they didn't make it, I wonder who broke it of with who? Did Debbee Norman know her name would be forever sprawled over this sign? Was this the reason she broke up with him? Does he come back here and cry into a bottle of vodka over a love lost? Did she even date him in the first place or was this just some massive crush? Was he a stalker who meant this in some creepy, threatening "I watch you while you're sleeping" way? 

Being in the front carriage also means that I can get off the train just outside the stairs that lead out of the station by my home. 

This is my routine. I have severe LOCD tendencies towards needing this to happen on a day by day basis. If it doesn't I do not cope well. 

Today I arrived at Plaistow station and some girls were sitting on my section of the bench. 

With all of my might I stopped myself from asking them to move and sat as close to them as possible without seeming weird. I thought the space I had left was fine but judging by the weary looks they gave me, I fear they didn't agree. 

It worked out okay because I managed to get up first when the train came and direct my walk into a diagonal motion so that I still reached my doors first and got a prime end seat (everyone wants one of these so you can lean on the glass). 

It was touch and go as to whether I was going to get my seat on my second train as I had one and a half minutes to get to the front carriage before the train went. I ran the whole way and managed it with a minute to spare... Probably didn't really need to run but the LOCDs were pretty intent that I did.

Any way, I appreciate that for everyone else, my meticulously planned out positioning of my journeys to and from work might not be blog worthy but I assure you, the fact that those girls sat in my seat at the start was the most stressful part of my day. 

I thought I'd share the whole thing with you as I hadn't spoken about my LOCD neuroses for quite a while. 

Peace out my lovelies. 

Tuesday, 30 August 2011

10 actual random thoughts of a plum.

I have two more days of work and finally my holidays will start. I have two weeks of chilling out and doing sod all. I cannot wait. 

This does mean that for the period of next week I shall not be able to blog at all as I will be in Ireland without the joy of Internet. I shall try to be more active on the tweet side of things so you can by all means check me out there (link in the right hand side).

The week after I'm in Scotland to see the new house my parents are now in so I should be back to business for then. 

Normally when I enter the week before my holiday I tend to start winding down and switching to holiday mode in my brain in preparation. This I find is integral to ensuring you are fully relaxed from point of holiday onwards. 

Unfortunately this has not been the case this week. No, instead I find I'm running around trying to convince myself that the hospital won't fall apart in my absence. My thoughts today have consisted of:

1. If this particular task is not completed by today then I will be personally responsible for the end of the world. 

2. I wonder if they'll make "staff drinking in the afternoons" a thing. 

3. They better not trial that whilst I'm on annual leave because I'm pretty sure I would not be okay with that. I bet they will and I bet they stop the trial just as I come back. Damn it I miss out on everything. 

4. So five cups of coffee and no food is my limit before I start muscle spasming. 

5. Muscle spasming causes me to type the same letters twice sseeee?

6. I'm tired. 

7. I miss food. 

8. I wonder what Andrew Garfield is doing right now? Probably jumping from a building or something. Lucky. 

9. If I were to fall asleep right now, would the other two people in the room talking to me even notice?

10. "He ahs aksed for this today nad nit to wait." That is not what I wanted to write... Stupid fingers, WHY MUST YOU DISOBEY ME?

Sometimes it's good to be really literal about my blog title. 

Peace out my lovelies. 

Friday, 26 August 2011

My house has been invaded by a monster that wants to eat me... Slowly and in a way that will involve pain.

I found a spider the size of my fist in my bedroom this morning. I'm not usually afraid of spiders but this one scared the crap out of me. So much so that I was an hour late leaving my house because it took me forty minutes to psych myself up to leave the room. 

There was even one moment where I yelped and jumped up onto the bed. If I had worn a skirt and bloomers you may have caught me lifting the skirt and screeching "eeek!" I might as well have for the rest of the stereo type I was shamefully portraying.  

I can show you a picture of the spider but I would like to clarify now, this photo does NOT do it justice. She was bigger than this, I promise. 

Eventually I had to result to grabbing my make up and sprinting out of the room when I was sure her head was turned. I assure you she had a head. She had eyes and a mouth and I swear at one point she licked her lips and gave me a look tat said, "I've been nibbling on your brain while you sleep."

When I eventually left the house I realised the predicament I had left my little home in. You see, as I left I thought to myself "If I leave it alone it will escape by the time I get back." Unfortunately there was a severe lack of a way out of my house for the spider beast as I had shut all windows and doors on my exit. 

This of course means that not only is that spider still in there but I will not have a clue where she is hiding and planning her new attack. Also I'm a clutter person so she's got loads of places to hide in. 

What's more, she won't have anything to do all day as she can't escape so I bet she just creates babies instead and introduces them to my flat as the new family home. 

Then of course when I get back there will be giant webs everywhere, big enough to fit a human, like something out of Lord of the Rings and they'll trap me and nibble on my brains when I'm awake instead of waiting for me to fall asleep. And they'll get away with it because there will be so many of them. 

There is no other option then, I will just have to never go back in there and live in the back garden under a box... You know until the baby spiders are big enough and want somewhere to play outside. When that happens I'll just move to the bus stop instead, at least I'll never have to wait for a bus because they will come straight to my house. Silver lining and all. 

Also the spider family would probably be able more comfortably afford my flat as she'll have child support to rely on. *Sighs* And the government fails me again. 

There is a glimmer of hope in this story though, a last chance of gaining control of my flat once more. 

I sent the above picture to Rachael-The-Bully half way through the day with a text roughly saying "Help me!" 

She has promised to come round and capture the spider for me! I knew she was useful for something! She loves herself a good spider. So providing I can find the spider's secret lair and where she has stashed her children then Rachael-The-Bully will use her tough act on them! 

Wish us luck!

Peace out my lovelies. 

Thursday, 25 August 2011

What is this fascination with playing with your bones? Enough already people, it cannot be good for you!

There is a habit that I am unbelievably disgusted with. So much so that when it happens around me I physically want to gag every time.

This, I feel, means that the habit must be particularly bad as I have a very low threshold on what I deem as gross. Eg: when dropping food on the floor, there is no five second rule... there is a 'however many seconds until you notice that you've dropped it' rule. This allows more flexibility in when the food gains germs because you might really want the food but don't notice it's on the floor for twenty seconds. That's fine because then the rule is automatically turned into the 'twenty second rule,' that way you get to enjoy the beautiful piece of food and not have to suffer from germs because the rule says so.

There are many more but I think I've made my point. I am not exactly a classy chick... of course by my standards I reckon I'm full of class but if you measure it against people who actually use the logical definition of class then I guess I just fall outside of the circle.

All that being said there is one thing that makes me wants to rip my skin off and gouge out my ears. One noise that makes my entire insides cave into each other and shout "for the love of all that is good in this world... stop slowly torturing yourself!" This one thing is the highly annoying and (unfortunately) highly popular act of cracking ones bones.

Why??? People WHY??????????? It's the most annoying sound. It is the sound of your bones screaming! It's also the sound that makes my face look like this.

Guys, this is not a pretty face.

I have just had to sit in the car and listen to Work-Buddy-James go to town on his knuckles. When I told him to behave and stop hurting himself he just went on to say that it didn't hurt and I was just being picky. He also thought that this direct request of asking him to stop was actually me saying "ooh what a fun noise you are making James, won't you please show me every single bone in your body that you are able to crack, because I really cannot get enough of that sound."

This in itself was annoying, but it was particularly annoying today seeing that I had spent the entire weekend with One-And-Only-Daniela and that girl takes the cake when it comes to this habit. I mean she cracks bones that I am sure shouldn't crack.

She has a system, the different bones in her fingers, then her neck - once to the left and the next to the right, then she does her jaw - left then right, it is then that she moves to the lower regions, cracking her lower spine, her mid spine, asking me to pull on her arms and legs so that she can get all of those done as well.

Now usually I would refuse to partake in such a disgusting habit but unfortunately she then plays the "but my bones hurt Lisa and if I don't do this then I might die from the pain!" Yes she can be a little melodramatic at times but I'll leave that fun little quirk for another post.

This routine she does about every half hour so I have had to be subject this skin crawling habit all weekend and now today as well???? No, I will not have this anymore. People of the world who feel it is a good thing to crack your bones!! I have just two things to say to you.

1. When I tell you that I hate the noise, this is not an invitation for you to do it more frequently and closer to my face.

2. I don't care what the poeple like Work-Buddy-James says, there is no way that cracking your bones that often won't result in arthritis of some kind. I am telling you this now to save yourselves from horrific pain in your later years. I am also saying it now because I will not be the one carting you about when your bones give out. No I will be the one pointing at you with a grin that will make you want to punch it off my face and the most annoying but self satisfying words on this planet leaving my lips. "I Told You So." This will not be pleasant for anyone involved... apart from me who might enjoy it a little bit on account of getting cheap thrills from being right.

Okay I've had my rant.

Peace out my lovelies.

Wednesday, 24 August 2011

An argument/debate amongst friends.

I've just had the deepest late night conversation in a long time. It was atheist verses Christian and it was a fight to the death. With alcohol involved it only made it all the more intriguing. I'm not too sure who won, I think we just agreed to disagree but I know I left the argent wishing I knew more about my point. I will have to do some research and get back to him. Danny Allen thinks he's so slick, but I'll have more to say soon!

Other than that my day has been fairly normal. Work etc without anything interesting worth blogging about. This sucks I know but I will be back with a more interesting life tomorrow... I think. Here's hoping for a life drama! Wish me luck!

Monday, 22 August 2011

My One-And-Only baby sister from another mister.

I introduced a whole series of Doctor Who to One-And-Only-Daniela yesterday. I started her off with the first Matt Smith series as it doesn't really require that much knowledge of the previous series and it kind of stands on it's own. I just had to give one little explanation of the first time the Doctor met River Song and we were good to go. 

I'm pretty sure she enjoyed it given that she sat there for a good 8 hours watching them all. She also really wants to know everything that I know (which of course I declined to tell her given that I am an awesome believer of letting the joy of watching it on TV being the only way of discovering a storyline).

One-And-Only-Daniela does take a fairly five-year-old-esque stance when it comes to watching anything on TV. 

You know that stage kids get to when they all of a sudden become the most inquisitive person you know and want to know the answer to everything in the world?

It's at this time they'll ask a question such as 

"What makes the water wet?"

And you answer with 

"Because if it wasn't, we wouldn't have anything to pour over unsuspecting people in the street."

They never stop there though, no. They will then follow up with the most stomach dropping word any child could ask a grown up... 


And no matter how many times you answer this question with perfectly legitimate answers like 

"Because how else is aunty Lisa meant to have fun in the house when she has no money?"

They will always want to know more. 

"Why don't you have any money?"

"Because some bankers thought it might be a good idea to spend it and then reward themselves with Christmas bonuses."


"Because they think for some reason they're better than us."


"Because they're arseholes."


"Oh who knows, sometimes life just sucks."

Before you ask, yes my general tactic in this situation is just to say something so depressing that they start to cry. 

And before you ask the next question, yes I am planning on having kids at some point... They're going to be awesome...

Wait - I'm pretty sure I majorly digressed... Where was I? Ah yes One-And-Only-Daniela. 

One-And-Only-Daniela hit this inquisitive stage at her young age just as everyone else, only One-And-Only-Daniela never really grew out of it. 

She doesn't so much as keep asking why, more she'll follow one 'impossible to answer unless you are God or Stephen Hawkins' question after another. 

"Why is there graffiti on that wall?"

"Do miracles exist?"

"What's the theory behind time and space?"

And more bafflingly when we are both watching V for Vendetta for the first time on Saturday. 

"Why did he do that?"

"What's he going to do next?"

"Who is the man in the mask?"

"Why is Natalie Portman so skinny?"

"Why is Stephen Fry doing that?"

"Who are her parents?"

All of these questions were met with the same answer, "I'm watching it at the same time as you Daniela, I cannot read into the future and tell you how it will end."

With Doctor Who however I just merely responded to all her questions with "watch it and see."

All in all though, this is just another reason why I love her and think she's simply one of a kind because in her brain she really expects me to know all the answers to every question she throws at me. I must be like a genius to her, and that's a nice change of pace to the weird looks and rolls of eyes I usually get from a lot of other people. 

Peace out my lovelies. 

Saturday, 20 August 2011

Putting a face to the sound. It's a little weird.

I went out with One-And-Only-Daniela to the local off license as she had run out of Diet Coke to go with her Vodka... She does feel a little guilty for this as she is the founder of rumligion rather than vodligion but she's made her peace with this.

But what was amazing was that on our own way out we met two boys on their bikes and one was called Charlie... I also found out the other kid was called Alfie. This, I found out, were the kids that had the awesome argument I woke up to last week (see the last link I made on 'Charlie'). I have finally put faces to the names of the two kids that made me laugh so much I was actually happy to wake up that day.

They were telling me about a fox that had just hidden underneath a car and then went on to tell me about a frog they had found in their back garden. I told them they should keep the frog as a pet but they said that the frog was 'wild' and so wasn't suitable as a pet. This is something that their parents had told them but unfortunately I was not the responsible adult in this situation and told them that frogs make an awesome pet regardless.

On our way back from the shops they cornered us again and said that they had seen the frog again. I then asked them whether they had kept it and they told me that the frog had run away. I told them that if they find it again then they could knock on my door and show them.

One-And-Only-Daniela afterwards let me know that if they were to then go home to their parents and say that a stranger had told them to knock on her door when they catch a frog they might be a little suspicious. I hadn't thought about this before this point... I'm now a little worried I'm going to end up on some form of list or something.

I'm sure it will be fine.

Peace out my lovelies.

Friday, 19 August 2011

My clairvoyancy might be back... This does not bode well for someone at some point in the near future... I'm a little fuzzy on the details.

There was another murder in my dreams last night but I don't remember anything about it other than Claire-And-Rachael-The-Bullies were there as well as One-And-Only-Daniela and we were at the pub. I'm not saying they died, all I know is they were there. Actually they could have been the murderers... 

One things for sure, I'd make a rubbish detective. 

Okay, let's step away from the dream topic as I have just realised that I've taken up a whole week with the same thing. How utterly boring and uncreative of me, I do apologise. 

In other news I'm going to the pub with Rachael-And-Claire-The-Bullies and One-And-Only-Daniela tonight!- wait. Hang on, this is very similar to something I have said very recently... What was it again? 

*Re-reads post and feels the blood leave her face.* 

Oh.Holy.Crap. I fear I may have had a premonition last night. Why can't I remember what happened?

I feel like I should cancel my plans or something to prevent danger from happening... But I really have a hankering for being verbally bullied over a pint of Cider. 

Damn it. I'm going to risk it! I'm sure my friends will understand should they inevitably find themselves dead by the end of the night. Also it might not be that bad, maybe they'll just find themselves doing life for murder. That shouldn't be a problem, we don't have the death penalty here so at least they'll be living... Maybe. 

I'm pretty happy with my decision. At least it can allow me to laugh in the faces of all those people who tell me I never take chances in my life. Ha ha ha!... Actually I don't think anyone's ever said that to me before... Maybe I've said it to myself... I'll just laugh and mock myself then. Oooh, that'll make a change from the usual jeers and insults I give myself. I can already feel myself growing as a person. 

Peace out my lovelies and have an awesome weekend. 

Thursday, 18 August 2011

My subconscious cannot be trusted.

People might not qualify this as another nightmare, but I certainly do... Justin Bieber was in my dreams last night!! How dare he! Also he was really arrogant which has made me want to hit him even more... 

Eeeshk actually if anyone of a teen age likes to read my blog, I do apologise if I offended. Just think about it this way, I'm 25, if I was a fan I would be put in jail. For society's sake and for his safety I choose to allow my skin to crawl when I see him and you can't argue with that. 

Anyway, in the dream I had to go to his house to give him a DVD and he was completely ungrateful. That boy should learn to respect his elders. 

There was more to the whole thing but I feel I've exposed you enough to my subconscious for one week. 

I will say this, I have a really sucky habit that I've had since I was about 16. This habit is I tend to have a stupid amount of nightmares (usually about people dying as you have seen). My longest stretch of non stop nightmares was three years. Yup, that was not fun. They made me see psychologists and gave me drugs to help me sleep and all sorts. 

These stopped about three years ago. Alas over the past month they have come back about three times a week which sucks. However I have discovered that if I put them on here and make a joke about them I feel loads better. So you may find some rather bizarre dreams beginning to fill these pages. 

I will only put them up if they have a quirky factor like Simon Pegg being the murderer I promise. No point dragging you all down with a depressing post when you've come along for a nice light read!

Oh and for the record the Justin Bieber dream was not what I qualify as one of my nasty nightmares... That left me more bemused and nervous for my sanity. 

I'm also quite impressed with the A List celebrity line up I've had starring in my dreams. The dream versions of these people must really want to work with me. I feel like the dream version of Extras.

I do love the subconscious though and the whole randomness of it. A dream can make perfect sense when you're having it and it's only once you wake up you realise that it would be weird if you had hands made out of jelly and you could talk to dead people using the power of your nose. 

One of my favourite things is listening to people's weird dreams, if you have a good one then feel free to let me know in the comments below!

Peace out my lovelies. 

Wednesday, 17 August 2011

Eventless days can quite often amount to splitting my personality in half.

I'm afraid my life has been fairly boring today after all the excitement from the day before. Luckily none of my friends are dead... That I know of. A lot if them are insulted that my subconscious killed them but I think they're learning to deal.

Jo-Jo did text me this morning to just check that everyone survived the night last night. I reassured her that Simon Pegg stayed far away. Fingers crossed the same will be said about tonight!!

I've worked extra hard at work today so I think it qualifies me for an early night in bed! I like it when I can reward myself with nice treats every now and then, it's my way of keeping me feel appreciated and motivated to do better things. Mind you, if I mess up on something, I can be a right bitch...

So I'm going to write myself a good night message on my white board, brush and dry my hair, get into my pj's and sing myself a lullaby to fall asleep to. Whoever said I need other people to converse with in order to live a full life were obviously small minded. I just need to be able to embrace my insanity and I'm good to go!!

Peace out my lovelies.

Tuesday, 16 August 2011

Well that is one person I wasn't aware hated me so much.

I had a dream last night. At least I'm hoping it's a dream. 

You see what happened was for some reason, beyond anything I can explain, Simon Pegg decided to hold a vendetta against me. 

He kidnapped me in the middle of the night and took me down to this secret underground lair. In this lair there were two boats, each able to fit about twenty people. 

He sat me down and gave some massive evil villain type speech about how he was going to make me pay for something or other. I really can't remember what it was I had supposedly done but I know by this point I was pretty much scared out of my wits. 

Next he started filing out people. Not just random strangers, no, every one of these people were friends of mine. He lined them up and explained that one of the boats had an explosive attached to it. He then proceeded to pick each one individually and send them to either boat one or boat two. 

Once all my friends were on the boats, he set off the bomb. Half of my friends were killed... Bummer I know. 

Alas it didn't stop there!! He then picked three guys from the surviving boat and asked me to pick one of them to survive. After an excruciating decision process I picked and he shot the other two!! 

Now my friends who took part in this dream especially might want to know the decision I made but I refuse to disclose this information, I feel far too guilty that my subconscious had to make such a decision. 

Anywho, I was promptly woken from this dream by hearing neighbours of mine outside my house having a fight. I think one of them was leaving the other but I was a little too knackered to fully follow it as it was three in the morning. 

It was only after I tweeted all this information in one of my rare but fun tweet marathons that I began to doubt my own information. I was all too aware that I hadn't spoken to any of the people who had been in the 'dream' today. What if the couples argument had been the dream and the Simon Pegg mass murder had been the reality?

It was no good, by this point the seed had been set in my head and I simply had to investigate to ensure I still had all of my friends intact. 

First I rang The-Awesome-Alice as for some reason I remember her the most in being in the boat that survived. However she didn't answer her phone. 

Slightly startled by this lack of verification I left her a message asking her to clarify her whereabouts last night and to confirm that she hadn't in fact just narrowly escaped death at the hands of one of the 'Shaun of the Dead' stars. I have yet to hear back from her regarding this... This does not fill me with confidence. 

Not receiving the reassurance I was so desperately searching for from The-Awesome-Alice, I quickly sent out a mass text to Claire-And-Rachael-The-Bullies, Jo-Jo, Rich-Whom-I-Love, and One-And-Only-Daniela with the following:

"Quick question, Are you alive?"

So far I have had the following from Claire-The-Bully: 

CTB: No!!
Me: Ah crap. Now I'm going to have to report Simon Pegg to the police...
CTB: ???

(I might need to explain myself a little there)

And this from Jo-Jo (who quite obviously reads my tweets):

Jo-Jo: LOL, well Simon Pegg hasn't popped round with a machete yet...
Me: Oh good. Alright. Well in actual fact he was shoving you into a boat and blowing it up. Not nice. So it was a dream... unless you made it out alive and the memory was so excruciating that your brain has blocked it.
Jo-Jo: This is always a possibility... although after a quick reckie I have determined that none of my clothes are wet... and as I'm not brave enough to run around in public au naturelle...

And finally what maybe my favourite because I love to wind her up - One-And-Only-Daniela:

OAOD: Lol yep I am. Why wouldn't I be?
Me: Oh thank goodness. Wait. Can you remember where you were last night at 2am?
OAOD: Huh? I was in my bed sleeping lol
Me: Damn it. You can't know for sure then. You may have been in the boat that survived.
OAOD: Lol what boat? Why would I have been out that late on a week day?
Me: Why would Simon Pegg want to kill you? Life is full of mysteries!
OAOD: Who is Simon Pegg and how did he kill me?
Me: If you don't know then I'm not going to tell you. I just would have assumed you'd have been a bit more observant on a night such as last night. I mean, how heartless can you get?
OAOD: I'm so confused.

I'm a little concerned that no one else has responded as I really can't remember whether they were on the surviving boat or not!!  

If everyone who has ever known me could just get in touch with a quick message to say "I'm not dead" I'd really appreciate it. 

And this is how I have occupied my day today. 

Peace out my lovelies. 

Monday, 15 August 2011

Because I am the queen of exercise I even do it when I'm socialising. Or I only do it while I'm socialising. I never remember which one it is.

So in case you hadn't realised from my last post I was out with friends on Friday. It was a fairly eventful night of wine, music, too much food to even know what to do with, and a sudden need to exercise on my part as I saw The-Host-Becky's exercise bike tucked away in the corner of her living room. 

I had had just enough of the vino on Friday to see that exercise bike and think to myself, "I could probably ride that thing for about an hour if I wanted to."

Unfortunately for me I happened to voice this thought out loud which was met by some rather enthusiastic challenges from my other friends that I should try it out. 

Of course I was so intent that I was the exercise guru who would be able to do it without breaking a sweat, so I jumped up with full excitement and fervour and set up the bike ready for my ride. 

"Wait!" I called out as I put my feet in the pedals. "How will I know how long I've been going for?"

"We'll time it for you on the Sky+ box," Jo-Jo suggested. 

"I'm on it," Rich-Whom-I-Love declared, pressing a button on the remote and clocking the time on the screen. "Your hour starts... Now."

I didn't start to pedal. I had begun to doubt my own mad skills. 

"I don't know about this guys. I might not be able to do a whole hour."

"Well how about ten minutes?" Jo-Jo suggested. 

I grinned at that. "Easy, it's a deal."

Rich-Whom-I-Love seemed pretty put out by this arrangement. With not as much excitement as before, he clocked the new time on the TV screen. 

"Go." He sighed. 

I started to pedal. I started to pedal fast. I didn't believe in pacing myself, I was the fastest bike rider in the world, I ruled in all things related to this exercise bike. 

After goodness knows when, I started to realise my hair was matted to the back of my neck. 

"I need a hairband!" I cried out, with as much desperation as you might expect someone asking for a transplant. 

The-Host-Becky jumped up then, determined to be known in all our memories as the best host in the world. "I'll see what I can find!"

She rummaged around in her table drawers and pulled out a small child's clip. 

"I have this!"

Whilst still peddling for all my might with my bottom half, I focus all my attention on keeping my top half still as I throw her the darkest look I could muster. 

"Do you think I'm bald or something?"

The-Host-Becky's face faltered and she went back to rummaging through the drawers.

"Rich, how am I doing?" I asked. 

"You're doing awesome, just three more minutes to go." He replied. 

I kept peddling as if my life depended on it, ringing my hair out of all the sweat accumulating. 

"I found three more hair clips!" She cried out and thrust all three children's clips into my hand. 

Focusing all my energy on peddling through the pain formulating at my legs a threw her another look of despair. 

"What part of 'hair band' do you not understand?"

Realising that she was very close to feeling my sweat filled wrath, The-Host-Becky hopped up stairs and emerged a minute later with a hairband. 

I thankfully took it from her and tied my now soaking wet hair back. It was only after peddling for another few minutes with my new hairstyle that I began to become a little suspicious of just how long I had been on the bike. 

"Hey Rich?"

"Yes Lisa."

"How long has it been now?"

"You've got about three minutes left."

I looked at him, my suspicions rising. "Didn't you say that three minutes ago?"

Rich-Whom-I-Love looked at me innocently. "Of course I didn't Lisa, I wouldn't lie to you."

Believing him whole heartedly as he was the one 'whom I love' I continued to peddle. 

When it felt like three more minutes were up I turned to him again. 

"Why haven't you called time up?" 

"Because you have a few more minutes to go."

This was when I decided to trust my instincts and I asked him to show the time on the TV. Twenty minutes had gone by...

I wanted to be annoyed at him but I couldn't help spending the whole time congratulating myself for my awesome workout. 

My legs didn't hurt the next day surprisingly. My bum was bruised though...

Peace out my lovelies. 

Friday, 12 August 2011

Pointless post.

I'm out for the weekend, which is why I haven't blogged tonight. I did have a blog last night which showed I was particicularly crazy because it was weird (blog to come). But I didn't have my camera to show the picture evidence so I couldn't post it. Never fear though people, I still live and I'm still alive but I won't be able to properly post until tomorrow or possibly Sunday. But never fear I still exist and I'm alive etc.

Who else thinks thinks this blog is a load of crap about nothing. I promised I would Do something and now it isn't. Love you lots. Keep it posted.

Wednesday, 10 August 2011

My poor little Enfield town getting hit again??

Work-Buddy-James got married today. More on that in my next post. In the meantime let me tell you about my journey home.

Oldest-Friend-Cafrin is shortened to OFC.

Me: If I take the two trains home after this wedding then the only walk I'll have to do is through Enfield. That should be safe right? Given that we've already been rioted.

OFC: Yeah, I'm sure it'll be fine, they've taken everything they need to from there, they'll have moved on by now.

Me: Okay, I'm sure it'll be safe.


Two hours later, just past midnight, my train pulls into Enfield Town. I walk out the station to be met with this.

Luckily, there didn't seem to be any visual breaking of anything but ironically due to the barricade to the roads, the only option I had was to walk all the way home instead of taking the bus. I have never walked that half hour journey home so quickly.

I can reassure everyone that I am safe and now safely tucked in at home but this is just getting ridiculous. It's enough to just give up on leaving the house and become a hermit. I swear I am five seconds away from doing just that.

I reckon the police will be banning anyone from leaving the house after dark soon. I usually feel really proud of being British but this is now starting to make me wonder about the people in this country... no that's unfair, there are so many decent people here. There has been a group of people who are actively cleaning up London after all the destruction the teenagers are leaving our city in. The group has been so well received that the website running it has crashed on several occasions due to the amount of people logging on trying to help.

I guess it's more the group of teenagers that just don't seem to stop with what they are doing. It's not just London anymore, it's all over the UK. Where have all these delinquents come from? And please will some one tell them to go home and do normal teenage stuff rather than being complete idiots!

I have had a pretty amazing day all in all but I wanted to tell you about the latest stuff and I really didn't want to ruin Work-Buddy-James's wedding post with this so I've put it up first. Tomorrow I shall be more positive and show a side of England I love, which is people having a good time in a way that doesn't include people smashing innocent people's property in. Until then...

Peace out my lovelies.

Monday, 8 August 2011

My poor little Enfield Town.

Apologies for no update yesterday, I well and truly suck but I fell asleep pretty sharpish after my last post. Yes I am definitely not one to take up journalism. 

The overall gist of what happened last night however was some teenage hooded idiots decided it was an absolutely fabulous idea to raid my town centre and wreck it because... Well, they had a reason but I don't believe it. To be honest I think they just wanted to fight, smash, steal and set fire to things and this was their reason for it. 

Okay, so as far as I understand it last Thursday the police shot dead a 29 year old man. Then there was some more stuff to do with how long the police took to unveil all the information to family and friends etc. There were some peaceful protests planned and carried out but then after this happened on Saturday night, some kids decided to take matters into their own hands in Tottenham, where the man was killed. 

They burnt down this massive building and put a bunch of shops out of business as well as destroying homes of the people living above these shops. They also set fire to double decker bus (as you do) this thing was pretty much unrecognisable once the fire was put out. They did a bunch of other things like setting fire to cars and smashing in windows etc. They're reason for targeting these areas? Well, because everyone knows that when a policeman shoots a man then it's the buses, shops and parked cars who were secretly behind it... No? Does that not make sense to anyone else either? Well you come up with a more logical reason than that. 

Anywho, apparently all the amazing fun they had on Saturday night simply wasn't enough for them so on Sunday they thought to themselves... "hey, you know how last night was the best idea we've ever had and totally put our point across in a way that was not confusing at all? Let's do the same thing again tonight, only let's do it in Enfield because they have better shops!"

So off they trotted to my neck of the woods and decided that they were going to go even more nuts. Luckily I was just far enough from the town that all I really heard were the helicopters overhead and sirens going off all night. 

The-Bullies-Lair was a little closer to the action, the helicopters were literally shaking their house. Actually I haven't checked on them today... I should really do that. 

As far as the damage they did to our home? Well they completely looted HMV and stole everything inside... Completely for the sole purpose of their beliefs of course... Because if they then own all the DVDs in the world then there'll be no way for anyone to watch fiction and so will have to face the facts of the world...  Again, if you have a better explanation...

Apparently they also set fire to a Nando's. The only reason I could think for this one was so that the world would see they weren't chicken possibly? Although I'm a little dubious of this reason given that I'm sure the fact that they're ruining property and setting fire to anything that will go up in flames kinda already shows that. Perhaps they thought that up to that moment their actions had been too subtle...

They did a bunch of other things involving innocent people's property and businesses. People who had absolutely nothing to do with what they claimed to be fighting for. 

All of this meant police were scouring and patrolling the train into Enfield town on the way home from work. Also it  led to my poor little town looking like this today. 

As a side note, is it racist if as I went to work today I became suspicious of every teenager wearing a hood in Enfield? Perhaps not racist but clothesist? Hoodist?

It wasn't until I was on the train that I realised my face often gets mistaken for a teenagers  and I was in fact wearing this today. 

Wow, that was a deep set of soul searching I did on my own perceptions of people. Either that or I've now secretly enrolled for the next set of riots... I hope not, they're methods seem far too complex for me to understand. 

Peace out my lovelies. 

Sunday, 7 August 2011

Woah, I guess it's pretty serious in Enfield.

Okay, in relation to my last post, I guess people are in pretty dire need to know what's going on. I can hear a lot of helicopters and I'm getting reports that shops have been raded and all sorts. As my duty as a blogger who's living here I will try to fill you in.

Our HMV has been looted and there are a lot of hooded teenagers going nuts. There are a lot of police who have been readying themselves for this since about three this afternoon so I'm sure we have the whole thing covered as best we can.

All that being said, there is a lot of activity happening. Unfortunately I'm a little too far from the action to know anymore but I will keep you posted if I hear anything. Sorry if my last post seemed a little flippant, I had no idea things had got so out of hand.

Drama, drama, drama in Enfield Town tonight.

So there have been riots around my area over this past weekend. Yesterday it was in Tottenham, London. Today it's in Enfield, London. Which (for those of you who don't know) is where I live.

The riots in Tottenham were pretty big, buses were set on fire and people were shot and then our little area was declared tonight as the next place they will hit. I live just close enough to where they are where I can hear the police sirens and the helicopters flying overhead but just far enough that nothing else seems to be hitting my radar.

I don't know what the riots are about because I have spent the entire day today in bed, but I have had texts and phone calls telling me to stay put in case it gets messy. I really wasn't planning on going anywhere due to the fact that I made a decision to not leave my house at all today because I don't like outdoors and I like sleeping. Still, people seem to be slightly concerned.

They've shut off the whole town and boarded up all the shop windows. There are a multitude of police around determined to prevent the same incidents from happening that happened yesterday. I'm pretty sure the law enforcement have it covered, so I'm just going to watch Grey's Anatomy some more and then fall asleep with a nice bottle of wine (whether I drink it is another decision I've yet to make, but being the huge commitment phobe that I am, it's nice to have something to cuddle as I sleep).

Younger-Brother-Daniel rang me earlier to ensure I wasn't dead or anything. I assured him this wasn't the case. His response was, "You should definitely go check it out and see what happens, record it and then you'll have loads of people checking out your blog." I was a little concerned over his lack of safety for my health but he responded with "well I'm going to go now, ring me if you start to die." That reassured me as I figured if he cared enough to want me to ring him should I be in mortal danger then he still loved me etc.

I know I live so close but due to my inclination to stay away from anything that might not be roses and bunny rabbits I haven't really looked into the whole situation and I'm choosing to ignore it until it goes away. I guess any option for me being an investigative journalist is out of the window. But if you want to know anything that happens in Grey's Anatomy up to Season 6 episode 12 then I am your girl.

Rachael-The-Bully decided to ring me in one of those unexpected 'caring' moments and asked me to ensure that I stayed indoors. It felt weird to hear that from her but then I reminded myself that even though I have named her a bully she's actually one of my closest friends... I must keep on reminding myself of that.

I did hear shouts and whoops and crashes earlier but then I realised that they were only the 12 year old boys from yesterday so I figured things were okay where I was (unless that whole murder thing actually happened, in that case... yeah I can't be bothered to look into that).

So in short, Younger-Brother-Daniel won't be impressed with my lack of investigative journalism but as an upshot I'm pretty sure I'll live for tomorrow so there's a plus side if I ever heard one.

After saying all that, I really hope the riots don't get out of hand, and I believe it's okay because the police are all over our town and I have full faith they won't allow a repeat of yesterday occur today.

Hopefully tomorrow I'll be a little more clued on what happened and what they were actually rioting about, but until then...

Peace out my lovelies.

Saturday, 6 August 2011

For the record, I'd make a rubbish witness of murder. I'm far too lazy and sleepy to check if the kids dead.

I'm currently laying in bed and listening to two 12 year old boys have an argument outside my house.

My favourite comment so far has to be:

Boy A: When I said "Your mum" I wasn't actually talking about your mum, it's just something people say. I could have gone on to say "Your mum is a lovely person" or "Your mum is the best" so you shouldn't have told her I said that. You need to go back to her and apologise and say I didn't mean it like that.

Then there's been

Boy A: You can't beat me up, I'm taller than you!!


Boy A: This is child abuse you retard!

Unfortunately Boy B spoke too quietly for me to hear what I'm sure were his amazingly witty comebacks but I'm pretty sure that argument just made my day.

Okay now I just heard "Come on then" followed by a grunt, a crash and the sound of an ambulance speeding by... I'm like 99% sure they're unrelated but even so... Should I check?

No, we're good. Boy A just called out "Come on Charlie, let's play Black Ops" and Boy B (AKA Charlie) mumbled something incoherent back. It sounded like it was in a fairly chipper tone. I'm just hoping that wasn't Boy A's highly elaborate plan when he spotted my open window and wanted to ensure that his cover was tight...

Ah well, I guess we'll never know.

Peace out my lovelies.

Friday, 5 August 2011

A bit of an apology I guess

Okay okay, I know I usually try to post on this thing every day Mon - Fri and I did have a post all ready for you last night. Not only that I was really proud of this one. But alas, as I write my posts on my phone on my way home from work, there is no undo button when you've selected all the text and instead of copying it you paste over it with the post from the previous day.

I.spent.40.minutes.writing.last.night' I was not pleased.

I briefly considered re writing it but I was so peed off with myself I couldn't bring myself to do it, so instead I watched Eastenders, Teen Wolf, and Supernatural and I sulked like a five year old.

The problem with the whole thing is that I really have no one to get angry at other than myself. There's no one to blame. And as I had no excuse other than sheer stupidity for the deletion fiasco I was not able to satisfy my other accusing self.

I'm still annoyed. And if I'm honest I really don't see myself writing it again because I just won't be able to do it justice. It was one of those posts where I read it and thought to myself... hmmm, I think I might actually like that one. It was because I was so busy mentally patting myself on the back for it that I wasn't paying attention enough and caused the deletion.

In short, my own self congratulatory five seconds caused me a night full of self loathing... I think that for my own well being I should probably never be proud of anything I ever do again.

From now on, everything I do and everything I am is crap... yup, pretty sure that will keep me from hating myself.

Peace out my lovelies.

Wednesday, 3 August 2011

A false sense of righteousness can be a bitch to get out of your clothes.

For the past few months, as I have been going blog crazy on this thing, I have had the odd complaint from friends and family as they stated that they weren't able to comment on what I had to say. 

This, I'm ashamed to say, was met with a smug shake of my head and roll of my eyes as I (rather patronisingly) said I would go over what they should be pressing next time I'm with them. 

I would then add to them that I understood blogspot might not be the easiest way to comment if you aren't a member yourself but it is possible. You just have to know what to push.

This was usually met with gratitude and faith in me that I knew what I was talking about with this particular blogging site... being that I probably spend more time with it than with any real person. 

Also a lot of my friends are like Rachael-The-Bully who... Well let's just say, she doesn't exactly speak the language of her laptop. As such I'm used to helping them with issues such as:
Friend A: Lisa the font on my document is bigger than I remember it being but the size still says 12 just like it always is. 
Me: Let me see... Ah yes there's your problem, you've zoomed in on the screen. If I just zoom out... There, better?
Friend A: Oh! I didn't know it could do that.


On the phone. 

Friend B: Okay now what do I do?
Me: You need to refresh the screen so press F5. 
Friend B: Okay.... Done. 
Me: Can you see the changes you made now?
Friend B: Nope, everything's the same. 
Me: Huh, that's weird, that should have worked. Try clicking anywhere outside the box and then press F5 again. 
Friend B: Okay... Done. Still nothing. 
Me: That really should work. 
Friend B: Let me try it a few more times. 

I hear the sound of her pressing the keys and become suspicious. 

Me: What exactly are you pressing right now?
Friend B: F then 5, just like you told me. 
Me: Ah, now I see the problem. You see the row of keys above where the numbers are? 
Friend B: Yeah?
Me: Can you see a key that says F5 all in one?
Friend B: .... Oh. 

So as a result I've turned into a slightly cocky and ever so superior person when it comes to computer skills with these people. 

This is a disgusting and highly shameful personality trait to have developed and today I am going to swallow a large dose of humble pie. 

To all those who said they couldn't comment on my blog without an active account, (a response that was met with a rather patronising and arrogant look) I am deeply sorry. It turns out until this day you have not been able to add a comment because I had never set the access levels to allow you to. 

Therefore your comments were inadvertently prohibited by me. This is an action I'm deeply regretting and I assure you was not intentionally meant. But now it's active! Now any Tom, Dick and Harry can comment! Oooh actually if you are either a Tom, Dick or Harry please leave a comment anyway. It can be just as simple as hello if you like but if I could get a post with comments from a Tom, Dick and Harry I'm pretty sure I could die a happy and complete person. 

Peace out my lovelies. 

Tuesday, 2 August 2011

An unbelievably poor job of rumligion development. Pretty sure they made a lot more effort with the bible.

One-And-Only-Daniela is shortened to OAOD. 

Lying in bed at 12:15am. 
Me: Ah crap! Pssst Daniela. 
OAOD: Hmmmm?
Me: Are you awake?
OAOD: No. 
Me: Oh, okay. 


Me: It will only take a second and it's really important. 
OAOD: I've got to get up for work in the morning Lisa!
Me: So have I but it's really important. 
OAOD: (Groans) What is it?
Me: I promised the people reading my blog that you'd develop on rumligion more this weekend. I can't let them down. 
OAOD: How is that really important?
Me: I may be a lot of things Daniela but I am not a tease. 
OAOD: Can't we do it on the way to work tomorrow?
Me: What? And risk someone hearing our awesome idea and stealing it? I don't think so. 
OAOD: My awesome idea and that didn't stop you putting up on the Internet for all to see. 
Me: That's different. 
OAOD: How?
Me: (Pauses) Please Daniela? Just a little bit of development?
OAOD: Fine!
Me: We need to find a way of incorporating other forms of alcohol into the mix. Lgalaviz wondered if we could add vodka drinking into the principles perhaps? Like vodrumligion? Then Fragments was all like "you could call it alcoligion, then rumligion could be a denomination of that as well as vodligion." I'd listen to her as well she's doing a Theology masters. 
OAOD: I like it. You could have Brandligion. 
Me:  Wineligion for the ladies and beerligion for the fellas. 
OAOD: JackDligion
Me: Burboligion
OAOD: Baileygion
Me: Taqiligion... Actually from the way that sounds people might be a little confused on what we're following. 
OAOD: Wow, this could actually go on forever. We need a slogan. 
Me: Like what?
OAOD: "I'm not drunk."
Me: Awesome. And also... Really easy to remember. 
OAOD: Ooh! I'm going to make up a hymn! 
Me: I would pay you money to hear that. 

Stay tuned maybe one day she'll come up with it. 

Let me know if there are any other denominations you can think of to add to our new following. You automatically promote yourself to role of priest of that particular following if you come up with a unique one. Congratulations and you're welcome. 

Peace out my lovelies. 

Monday, 1 August 2011

Some more One-And-Only antics.

In order to fully comprehend the context in which I found myself with One-And-Only-Daniela this weekend I need to explain what she's like when she gets her hands on a camera. 

You know those facebook and myspace pictures you would see on peoples profiles where the camera is posed slightly above them and they're pouting or biting their bottom lip etc? I'm not going to sit here and make fun of people who make those poses because I'm pretty sure there aren't many people who exist in this world who haven't at least tried the pose. What I am going to say however is that if anyone is an expert at this pose, it would be  One-And-Only-Daniela. 

To explain, she was round my house once and I went out the room to pour us a drink. I was gone out for a maximum of 2 minutes. On my way back into the room I see her throw my camera on the settee and stare at the TV with a really guilty face. Filled with suspicion I picked the camera up and (no word of a lie) there were 34 pictures she had just taken of herself on my camera in that short time (I mean it because this is where people think I exaggerate but I totally counted and it is completely true).

With that in mind you can imagine what I was readying myself for from her when she text me earlier last week asking if I had a park near where I lived because she had just bought a £400 SLR camera and she wanted to play with it. Let me tell you, the girl didn't disappoint. 

So with this in mind, I met with One-And-Only-Daniela after work on Friday and discussed the photo-filled plans we had for the weekend. 

One-And-Only-Daniela has been shortened to OAOD. 

OAOD: What I really need is a park with trees in it. I think that would look really good. 
Me: Well we have this manor house nearby with it's own massive grounds containing woods, is that good enough?
OAOD: It sounds okay but does it have trees?
Me: ... You're kidding right?
OAOD: What?
Me: What do you think are in woods Daniela?
OAOD: ... Oh yeah. 

We head out for photo fun on Sunday afternoon in the end. Daniela was in her element.

We chose a park in the end that also had a wood type area. When we found the wood area we stayed there for a good couple of hours. It was really pretty. 

One-And-Only-Daniela thought so too. 

OAOD: It's a really peaceful place out here.
Me: Hmmmm, I concur. 
OAOD: (Stops and thinks for a moment) It's a good place for hiding bodies. 
Me: (Practically wet myself laughing)
OAOD: I have one body in mind. 
Me: Oh, that stopped being funny really quickly. (pauses) It's not me is it?
OAOD: (Sighs) No.
Me: Good. 

After an afternoon of around 300 photos, four dubious climbs for balletic moves in trees, eight 'jumping in the air' shots and one change of clothes, I checked my watch and announced three hours had passed so it was probably time to eat. 

One-And-Only-Daniela initially agreed and started to pack away her bag. She soon stopped as she screamed and picked up a little red bottle.
OAOD: Oh my days I almost forgot!
Me: What?
OAOD: We've got to do the ad photos!
Me: The what now?
OAOD: I brought perfume with me, we need to pose with it as if we were  on a billboard ad. 
Me: Um Daniela, did you bring the perfume with you for this sole purpose?
OAOD: (Turns away from me sheepishly and mutters in a small, yet not really convincing voice) No. 

In short we did photo ads. Here are hers:

And here are mine: 

Britain's next top model, eat your heart out.

I know I mentioned there would be developments on the rumligion ideas and there are but I feel this blog has gone on for long enough. Stay tuned tomorrow to find out One-And-Only-Daniela's further thoughts on the matter. 

Peace out my lovelies.