Thursday, 29 December 2011

Christmas presents I wouldn't even have thought of to ask.

My Christmas presents this year were epic. It was once again another reason for why I love my family and reminded me how I have been raised to be the person I am. 

To start with, I refer you to Younger-Brother-Daniel's Christmas present. He bought me something so awesome and quite frankly, unpredictable that I had no choice but to love it with all my heart. You see, Younger-Brother-Daniel bought me... A toilet brush. 

Yes. You read that correctly. And yes. That was the entire present. And yes. I loved it so much I wanted to cry. 

This wasn't just any toilet brush however (as if it could get any better). This was in fact an Edward Monkton toilet brush. As such it was named "The toilet brush of destiny."

I know right? 

Since moving to the new flat with Housemate-Anna we have found ourselves accumulating toilet brushes, so much so now I guess you could say we have now started collecting them (a fact Younger-Brother-Daniel was not aware of when he chose my gift). On point of move, our landlord had left behind a toilet brush, I brought one from my place and Housemate-Anna brought one from hers. As such we already had three toilet brushed lined up in our bathroom. 

However, due to the awesomeness that was this new toilet brush I did have to ring Housemate-Anna and tell her that all the old toilet brushes would have to be moved down the line because we now had a new Head Toilet Brush. She was initially reluctant as her old toilet brush was currently Head Toilet Brush and I'm sure she was worried about hurting it's feelings. However, when she saw the beauty of the toilet brush I presented to her last night, she had to admit it was awesome and as such, it has now taken pride of place on the front of our collection. 

This has brought on a new need within me now. I feel a new hobby arising. I shall now be one of those weird people who collect toilet brushes in my spare time. One more thing to add to "why my life is awesome" list. If you guys ever find an interesting toilet brush then please let me know. 

The other presents that made me love my family even more were two presents from my parents... And when I say my parents I mean Marmie. Father instantly refused to take any responsibility for these gifts. 

As myself, Younger-Brother-Daniel and Older-Brother-Glyn are now all living in our own places and therefore in charge of our own cleaning, my [clean obsessed mother] decided to help us out. As such, all three of us received two presents each wrapped up under the tree. 

First one:

Second one:

Marmie giggled like a school girl as we opened these. No doubt they'll come in useful. To prove to her that I have used them, I think I might have to take a picture every time I use one. 

So just for you Marmie:

Peace out my lovelies. 

Saturday, 24 December 2011

I do love me some free wi fi.

I'm on a train. It has wireless access. I'm pretty sure that's a perfect reason to write a blog.

I'm impressed I made it this far today. Earlier, I was finding it near impossible to work out how to get myself off my sofa and get ready. This amounted in me going to my default place when I need to get motivated. I rang Marmie.

My train was due to leave at half four and I rang Marmie at around 12pm. As I expected, Marmie was close to having a panic attack when she saw me (over video call) still in pajamas. I assured her that this was a perfectly acceptable thing for me to be doing when I clearly had three hours before I needed to leave the house. Marmie didn't see it that way. Marmie is one of these people who will want to leave early enough not just to catch the train but so that we can sit in a train station for a couple of hours in order to make sure we don't miss it. Therefore, Marmie found it unbelievable that I wasn't already camped out there.

Although her preparation techniques have always seemed rather extreme to me, she still managed to get the right reaction out of me as I managed to get off the sofa and start to at least pack for the week. However, it did backfire slightly when this just moved me to the bedroom where I chose to sit on the bed to complete my conversation with my family. This meant that when I did eventually get off the phone I found that I was once again in a laying down position reaching for my twitter app...exactly in the same mode of procrastination I had been in all morning. Don't get me wrong, I love twitter with what is possibly my entire being but it does have a tendency to suck away at my time which should be reserved for real life things.

Anywho, I found my go to song today (Love on top - Beyonce) and realised that I simply can't stay sitting down to any part of that song. I'm not ashamed to say that I played it on repeat for two whole hours. It got the job done and I only slightly found it annoying by the end.

Marmie however, now that she found out I wasn't following her 'camped out at the train station' idea had it in her head that this meant I wasn't going to make it to Scotland at all and so requested regular updates as the day went on. All afternoon I received texts saying "Where are you now?"

Unfortunately, this amount of need of my attention tends to bring out the sarcastic side in me. As such I don't think she received a single serious text from me after that phone call. Still she never wavered, and fifteen minutes before the train was meant to leave the texts conversations resulted in this.

Marmie: R u on the train yet? (Yes, that's right, Marmie is down with the kids with her highly ghetto text speak.)
Me: Still at home.
Me: ...
Me: Kidding.
Me: I'm at the station
Marmie: Which station?

This was about where I gave up on her.

I then rung her to say that I was on the train and her first question was. "Who are you sitting with?"

I could hear Younger-Brother-Daniel laughing as I rolled my eyes.

"What?" She asked.

"You're so obvious!" Younger-Brother-Daniel called out.

"I'm just interested to know who my daughter is sitting for four hours with... Is it a man?"

"Yes." I said.

"Is he nice?"

"How would I know?"

"Is he young?"


"Is he good looking?"

"Marmie, I'm not doing this with you."

Rest assured everyone, he seems a very nice man but he does give off this gay vibe... which, looking at my track record of men, probably means he's perfect for me.

Merry Christmas Eve everyone.

Peace out my lovelies.

Friday, 23 December 2011

A Christmas Tale: A Cannibal's story.

Okay I'm afraid to move in case I scare it away but I do believe I have caught, what the locals call, "Christmas Spirit."

I got to leave a whole hour early from work today and I got a Christmas card from a doctor who only started working here two days ago. Inside it said "thank you for all your help" and I realised all that fussing over her wasn't perceived as annoying but rather helpful... My OCDs win again! Huzzah!!

Tomorrow I'm getting a train to Scotland where the rest of my family have already started the festive celebrations. What's awesome about this is that there doesn't appear to be snow anywhere so the likelihood of me spending Christmas alone in England with nothing but a couple of bottles of wine and my own company doesn't seem to be that strong! I suspect Father Christmas had a word with the Weather man for me... That man always knows what to do!!

Also, Heinakroon gave me the best Christmas present ever by recommending me to the country of Finland!! It's amazing, I'm in a Finnish paper everybody! If I didn't know I would give up a week in I would even vow to learn the Language. Damn my short attention span!

Then Heinakroon went on to #FF me and I gained a whole three new followers. They're all like my favourites now and so far, five hours in, none of them have unfollowed me. I'm not going to lie, the pressure to keep them interested is giving me the shakes. So far, my way of dealing with this (without bribing them to love me with spare spitroasts) is just to hide in a corner, away from twitter. So far that has worked but I do wonder how long that will last...

If you are reading this for the first time and are not impressed so far then I do have a wide range of spitroasts to offer, all barely used as I like to rotate my choice of brand. I also make an awesome liver stew and kidney pie, all made from humans. Not only that, but humans who I really like so it's completely humane. All of my humans are allowed to roam free before I kill them for food, I'm not a monster. 

So... let me know if you want me to make you a batch. 

Merry Christmas. 

Peace out my lovelies. 

Thursday, 22 December 2011

It's not lunch without a little bit of drama. 

I started today in an incredibly rare moment of chipperness. This was down to Beyonce's 'Love on top.' I have been bouncing down the street, waving at random strangers and dancing with others all morning. 

Such was my delight over this song, I played it to Work-Buddy-James as we went out to lunch. If there has been any decision I have regretted entirely in my life it was this one. 

You see, it started out fine. Work-Buddy-James admitted that, even though he doesn't usually like Beyonce's songs, he had to admit this was a good one. I danced joyously in my seat to the upbeat tune as he drove the car. He then mentioned how he was tempted to undo my seatbelt and break suddenly so I ended up going through the window. I laughed nervously at his  very morbid dark side as I do every time it rears it's head. You know, it was a normal if not slightly chipper lunchtime. 

We ate lunch in a car park and sung some karaoke from YouTube videos, as you inevitably always do when you are in the presence of Work-Buddy-James. Things were fine.

Then Work-Buddy-James had an idea, one that ruined the whole lunchtime. As I had shared one song with him on the way up here, he would share some songs of his own with me.

However, these were not new songs, these were songs that he had shared on several occasions with me in the past. Songs that have been permanently engraved onto my eardrums so that sometimes, late at night, I wake up screaming to the sound of them in my head. 

He treated this experience like it was the first time he had ever played these songs to me. A fact I fervently countered amongst my desperate begs to not play the songs again. 

You see, Work-Buddy-James has this fascination with learning songs that are either 

A: In Chinese
B: A comprehensive list of things (eg: The animaniacs song listing all the countries in the world).
C: Both of the above (eg: A song listing all the tube stations in China).

As such he plays these songs and then proceeds to sing the entire song off by heart, looking at me for praise and admiration over how clever he has been in knowing random crap that probably took him the majority of the social life in his entire existence to perfect. 

Now I'm not saying I wasn't slightly impressed at this... The first time he sung it to me a year ago. However now we're on what feels like the 146th time and I simply don't have the energy to support this habit anymore. 

Not that that makes a tiny bit of difference:

Work-Buddy-James has been shortened to WBJ

WBJ: (Finishes singing the Animaniacs song) Ooh, have I played you the-
Me: Yes. 
WBJ: You'll love it. 
Me: For the love of all that is sacred, please do not play the China tube station song. 
WBJ: Ooh! I'd forgot about that one. (Searches for it on his phone)
Me: I'm begging you James. Please, let's listen to something else. Anything else. 
WBJ: But I know all the stations!
Me: I know you do James. 
WBJ: You're going to be really impressed. 
Me: I'm really not. 
WBJ: Here we go. (He plays the song)
Me: I hate you. 
WBJ: (He finishes the song) Now, what's next?
Me: (I see that he's searching through his Chinese playlist and so I pull his hand back) Please, for the sake of our friendship, stop. I honestly don't think we'll survive another song. 
WBJ: You played me your song. 
Me: I played you one song. You have been playing me your crap for half an hour!!

The car falls silent as we both face away from each other and look out the window

WBJ: You're not going to come out to lunch with me anymore, are you?
Me: If I'm perfectly honest, right now I don't know the answer to that. 

Later things eased off and we managed to waste 45 minutes talking solely about teeth, taking 20 minutes to count our own. In case you wondered - I have 16 on the bottom and 16 on the top. Work-Buddy-James has 12 on the bottom and 12 on the top. 

You know what they say... Every day is a school day. 

Peace out my lovelies. 

Wednesday, 21 December 2011

Wait... You're telling me it's Christmas this Sunday?

Is it just me or does it really not feel like Christmas is this week? Seriously, I have to get on a train for four hours on Saturday and I have not got my head around it at all

I was super efficient last Saturday and bought every single one of my presents in an hour and a half! Yup, you can say it. I'm freakin awesome. 

I fear that because I did it so quickly however, I've taken some of the magic away from the process and haven't allowed my brain enough time to fully comprehend the reason for me parting with so much money. 

Also, due to a drink mix up when I went out to Winter Wonderland on Sunday with Oldest-Friend-Cafrin and The-Goddaughter, I ended up drinking too much wine for what the day needed, as such that day went by in a bit of a haze... It's not like I was drunk or anything but I certainly wasn't planning to consume that much in one day. If anything it just made me sleepy. 

Anywho, people have been wishing me a merry christmas all week as they go off on their own holidays and every time my gut reaction has been, "why would I have a merry Christmas? It's not Christmas yet!" I soon realise that it pretty much is and then have to mentally chastise myself for being such a Scrooge. 

As such I've made plans tonight to sit cross legged in front of my Christmas tree for about five hours, stare at the ten year old tinsel and broken lights whilst chanting "It's Christmas, it's Christmas, it's Christmas, it's Christmas," over and over again until I have imprinted in my brain that it is meant to be the season of freakin good cheer and happiness and get into the sodding jolly mood associated with this time of year. Because if there's one thing I will never do is become a sodding grinch. I don't care how long and gruelling the process is. 

Merry Christmas everyone. 

Tuesday, 20 December 2011

Christmas time with The-Goddaughter.

Picture the scene: it's a crisp Sunday afternoon in central London. I'm out with Oldest-Friend-Cafrin and her entire family. We're sitting in a nice posh looking Weatherspoons. My beautiful stunning 5 year old Goddaughter sits opposite me looking positively angelic in her pigtails and pink coat. She's playing a game, I'm not too sure of the rules but it involves her telling me all the reasons why she loves me so my heart actually feels like exploding. 

"Lisa, I love you more in the whole wide world."

"Chloe, I love you more in the whole world."

(Yes I know the sentence doesn't make sense but as she's being really complimentary I didn't feel like it was the time to be correcting her grammar.)

"Lisa, I love you more than anything. Mummy I love you. Daddy, I even love you."

I grin my smuggest grin at The-Goddaughter's dad, Steve and mutter under my breath "It's like she loves you out of duty."

Steve shrugs like he's used to it and goes back to his dinner. 

"Lisa, I love you the most, I love you more than-" The-Goddaughter pauses at this point and her hand shoots up to her mouth whilst she looks guiltily to one side. She grinned and then in a small voice said "I just farted."

I laughed so loud that I'm pretty sure the whole restaurant jumped at the sound. This is why I love that girl. 

Peace out my lovelies. 

Monday, 19 December 2011

You scratch my back and I promise to never touch yours.

Not yesterday but the Sunday before, Housemate-Anna and I were sitting in the living room watching TV when I was suddenly overcome with an almighty itch on the bottom of my left foot. 

Not being able to resist a good scratch I absent mindedly put my nails to my skin and felt that almighty rush of satisfaction that can only come from scratching away a big itch. 

Housemate-Anna disappeared to the loo and I continued to scratch away. However suddenly the deep sense of satisfaction started to ebb away and in its place was a slight stinging sensation. I looked down and gawked in dismay as I realised I had scraped a significant patch of skin off my foot. 

Whilst I was still trying to get my head around the fact that I had unknowingly caused such damage to my foot, that slight sting began to grow... And grow... And grow. Suddenly I was experiencing pain unlike I had ever felt before. This of course just added more confusion to the situation as I still couldn't understand how this had even happened. 

The pain continued to grow until I had no chance but to yelp out in pain. 

"Lisa?" Housemate-Anna called out. "Are you okay?"

"Uhuh!" I just about yelped as the pain  grew to such a level that I had to jump up and move around just to give my body something else to do other than focus on it. 

Of course this just made it worse as I inadvertently put weight on the bizarre wound. This led to another yelp and me stumbling over our coffee table in a half hopping fashion, causing several items to fall onto the floor. 

I hopped/stumbled to the kitchen as fast as I could, grabbed a bag of frozen vegetables from our freezer and hobbled back to the living room, leaping over the coffee table and collapsing back onto or sofa again. 

Housemate-Anna returned back into the living room at this point and threw me a highly baffled look. There I sat, in exactly the same spot as she left me, except now my face was hot and sweaty, a manic look of pain flashed through my eyes, the contents on the coffee table were all over the floor and a bag of frozen vegetables was resting on my foot. 

"I was only gone two minutes!" Housemate-Anna said. 

"It hurts Anna, it hurts really bad."

"What did you do?"

"I don't know!" I cried out. 

For the rest of the night I was actually writhing around in the worst pain I have ever felt. Ever. Now this either means it was really painful or I've just never experienced real pain before... In my entire 26 years. 

Housemate-Anna helped me hobble to bed. She also got up at half one when the pain got worse again and she heard me running for the frozen vegetables once more (yeah, she's pretty awesome and, no, you can't have her, I found her first). She sat on my bed with me and talked about crap until the pain went away then finally I fell asleep. 

The next morning the pain was a lot better. I could just about walk on it so I went to work as per usual. I did the same thing Tuesday as well. 

Then Tuesday night, that same pain, the one that I'm pretty convinced is only reserved to those who are dying,  started to flare up again. 

I went to bed and fell asleep. I was then awoken by my foot pain four times in the night. By the time morning came I had woken up in a massive sweat. Not glistening as ladies quite often do... No, I was soaking wet. 

It was about this time that I figured there was something more sinister going on that a bag of frozen vegetables wouldn't be able to fix. I went to my GP and was informed that the mysterious appearing wound was now very infected and I would need to take antibiotics for the next week... I know... I have no clue what happened but I figured I'd be even more baffled if I ended up losing my foot to gangrene because of it. 

Antibiotics pretty much cleared it up but that was the drama of my stupid reactive body last week... It has always tended to have a mind of its own.

Oh and in case you were wondering where I was last week, you can blame Suzanne Collins and her Hunger Games for that one. I was in the land of Panem struggling with the huge question she poses in her books... Peeta or Gale? 


What? There's a deeper meaning to the whole thing than that? Really? Hang on, I'll read it again... See you in a weeks time. 

Peace out my lovelies. 

Thursday, 8 December 2011

Random thoughts of a plum - 24 style. The following events take place between 5:50 and 6:40pm. 

How is it possible that I have had such an action filled week and I have nothing to say tonight? I have been sitting with a vacant look on my face for the past ten minutes desperately racking my brain for something to write about and I have nothing...

An announcement has just come on, on the bus I'm on letting us know that CCTV is in operation throughout the bus. Is it wrong that my first reaction is "am I doing anything suspicious?" I've actually just ran through everything in my mind of what I'm doing, what's in my bag, what I'm wearing, how I look at the moment, do my eyes look particularly shifty? Where is the camera? What angle am I being shown at? 

After I did this for a while I realised just how paranoid I was... Or guilty... Except it wouldn't be guilty because my life isn't that interesting. There is nothing in my bag other than shoes and perhaps a few sweets from a few months ago... Actually if they're in there I might dig those out, my tooth is feeling rather sweet at the moment...

And now I've just missed my train. Damn. I'm going to be sitting here for ages now. That kind of sucks. 

Yes that's right, there is nothing else I can think to talk about other than a full running commentary of what I'm doing as I type...



Ah, I didn't really think that one out as now I am just sitting down distracting myself with writing my blog about how I don't have anything else to do except write a blog about writing a blog, which happens to be about me sitting and writing a blog. Oh dear, now I appear to be stuck in a blog paradox. Time and space is collapsing into itself as it no longer exists outside of this paragraph. I fear that writing about anything else will cause monumental damage in a quantum physical kind of way... Still waiting... If you're still reading this then it just proves you're about as bored as I am, also you are stuck reading about a blog which is about doing nothing and there's nothing else to do but read it because you are already doing nothing. Also... You really should know this blog will not be getting more interesting than this. All it's going to continue to do is go round and round until the headache you inevitably are gaining will get stronger and stronger until your brain explodes from the sheer weight of it. 

I want to add a disclaimer at this point. I have warned you that the blog is going to be crap from the beginning so if your head does explode then that is completely your fault. I am not going to be responsible for mass murder tonight. Trust me, I only own up to that when I've actually done it and why would I do that when I can't even get to you to eat your leftover carcass? Why??

I'm on the train now!! There's a guy opposite me who is wearing the same hat as me and he looks like Will Young. Yes, that means he's awesome. I've decided to call him Craig. Well done for having style Craig. I'll be sending you your trophy in the post. 

What else? Ummmm, there's a kid who was sitting in my favourite seat but he's just got off the train... I'm now wondering if it would be weird if I sat there... If anyone looks at me weird I could just roll my eyes and say "OCD."

Ooh Craig just looked at me! Do you think he knows I'm writing about him? Is there CCTV on this train as well? Is it broadcasting what I'm typing? Wait... Let me see if anyone nods at me when I look up, then I'll know they can see this. Hold on... Nope, either they can't see it or they're being deliberately unhelpful. 

Craig just yawned. Now I want to yawn. I'll do it on the sly so he doesn't know I'm copying him. Wait, never mind, he's got off the train... Now there are two Asian men sitting in his place. They don't look like Will Young... Just to be clear, they're not both sitting in his seat... I don't think they have that kind of friendship... Of course I don't know that for certain. I've been wrong before...

Aw, I miss Craig already. I wonder what he's doing now...

There's an advert asking me if I'm sitting comfortably. Apparently if I'm not then it means I have a bladder problem... Well this isn't the most comfy I've been... Does that mean I need to see my doctor about my overactive bladder? What qualifies as comfortable? Are you guys comfortable? If not you should probably go see someone about that. Get yourself an adult nappy or something. 

The asian (possible) couple have now left the train. I feel like I'm winning in the competition for staying on this train the longest. 

Ooh the guy that has now taken their place has a really nice coat. I should ask him where he got it from, maybe I could get one... On second thoughts, it looks quite expensive, I'll only be disappointed when I turn up and realise I can't afford it. 

Crap, I forgot to move to my favourite seat and now some girl in a cream coat and leopard print shoes is sitting there. What a bitch. 

One more stop to go. I'm going to stop this now as it has gotten old quite quickly. Thank you for being in my brain with me tonight. 

Peace out my lovelies. 

Wednesday, 7 December 2011

It's all a bunch of newness

Apologies for the lack of communication on this thing, but as I might have mentioned before hand, I moved this weekend to my new place. As such I have been highly busy doing very important things like installing internet access, getting our TV to work and decorating the flat in Christmas decorations before we have even unpacked...

There will be photos to follow with regards to my new beautiful home but in the meantime I would like to focus on the one new thing that arrived yesterday... my bed.

There was a lot of hassle with this bed. Hassle that involved me yelling at the delivery man over the phone yesterday morning because he was insisting that he was going to bring the bed early and I was (in a fairly animated fashion) informing him that we had only organised someone to watch the house between the hours of 1pm and 5pm and so there would be no one there to open the door. He was adamant that he wouldn't change his mind on the matter and so resulted in Housemate-Anna (yes she finally has a nickname) getting her mother to pass her trolley full of groceries to a man in Sainsbury's and run to our flat so that I wouldn't have to spend another night on the sofa. Needless to say, I was massively grateful for that one. Housemate-Anna's mum is awesome.

Anywho, once we had the bed in and I finally got home, I was a little irritable with the day. Housemate-Anna shared my sentiments. Luckily we had six wheels that needed to be hammered into the bottom of my bed. Guys, if you ever feel frustrated at the world, buy a double bed with the wheels not attached, grab a mallet and go nuts... granted, this is a long way round and involves a fair bit of preparation to get organised but I would say it's highly worth it in the end.

Once we had assembled the bed and we had high fived each other for being awesome independent women who could totally assemble a bed without any help from the 'man' (and by 'man' I mean Housemate-Anna's boyfriend Karl), I then noticed that in one of the inbuilt drawers in the bed's main frame, there was some extra material. Thinking that this was important and therefore highly in need of my immediate attention, I attempted to crawl into the little drawer space so that I could reach them.

"What are you doing?" Housemate-Anna asked.

"There are pieces of random fabric in here, I simply have to get them as they match the bed's material and so must be important." I called back to her as I squeezed my boobs through the small compartment.

"Where would they go?" Anna asked.

"I have no idea," I answered.

I grabbed a hold of them and sighed with satisfaction as I knew I had achieved my goal.

It's at this point in the story I should probably mention what it was that I was wearing as it is rather integral to the continuation of the tale. You see, I was wearing a thin grey top with a black waistcoat over the top. This waistcoat had silver metal buttons. These metal buttons, when I tried to pull myself out of the bed again, decided that they liked it inside my little cabinet and decided to all grip hold of the inside and not let me out.

This, ladies and gents, is how at 7:30 last night I found myself lying face down on my bedroom floor with half of be submerged in bed frame whilst the bottom half wriggled aimlessly on the floor.

"Um Anna?" I said.

"Did you get the material?"

"Yep, no problem with that." I pulled fruitlessly again. "I'm just not too sure if I can get out."

"Don't be silly Lisa, of course you can... just wiggle a bit more."

"I am wiggling!! I've wiggled, I've pushed, I've pulled!... I think my waistcoat is stuck."

Housemate-Anna laughed.

"How is that helpful?" I asked.

"I'm sorry, but you should see what I can see, you look hilarious!"

I wiggled some more. "Okay, I'm really stuck. I think I'm going to need your help."

"What do you want me to do?"

"I need you to wrap your arms around me inside the cabinet and pull my waistcoat down."

"There's no more room for me to get in there!"

"Try Anna! Otherwise I'm going to be stuck in here forever!"

There was a pause whilst Housemate-Anna considered this. "Okay, I'll try."

Housemate-Anna then wrapped her arms around me and slid them through the gaps in the cabinet. She got hold of my waistcoat and pulled. With a sigh of relief I heard the buttons break free of the cabinet. All that was left was for me to pull myself out.

I tried.

I tried again.

And again.

Housemate-Anna had her arms around my waist now. Her foot was wedged in front of the frame to give her some power and both of us pulled. Nothing happened.

After a minute of this, we stopped trying and both collapsed... well I collapsed as much as I could do given that I was already face down on the floor. Anna was laughing, I was somewhere in between laughter and tears and, whats more, I was knackered... You ever get that? Where you've gotten yourself stuck, you know you need to get out of that place but the idea of trying is so knackering that you figure... I could probably stay here... I'm sure I can find a way of working from home in my little cabinet and at least I'm lying down...

"Lisa, we need to get you out of there."

I sighed.

"Okay, one more go."

And so Housemate-Anna placed both feet against the bed frame, I had my arms pushing on the floor of the bed and with one final pull... out I came...

At least I know, for the future, that I don't fit into that bed frame. Next time I need something in there, I'm sending Housemate-Anna in. She's tiny.

Peace out my lovelies.

Thursday, 1 December 2011

It's the month of fat men, mistletoe whores and the baby Jesus. 

Happy 1st December everyone. Ready to spend loads of money and eat loads of food so that you spend the entire of January broke and fat? So am I! Bring on the festivities!

Yes, we have reached the time of year where we accessorise in a multitude of green and red and become a load of mistletoe whores. Huzzah!

It is also that time of year where we listen to the same old songs that come out every year. Those same songs that get right under your skin if they appear on your iPod shuffle mix any other time of year, but for some inexplicable reason you deliberately play on repeat for an entire month. 

It is also the time of year where the classic movies come out that make you sigh after you've seen and say "Now it's Christmas." They vary depending on the family you grew up in. For me however, it's "The muppet christmas carol" with a little bit of the new "Miracle on 34th street." Yes, that's right, I said the new one (which really isn't that new anymore as it's from the 90's). I know people might think that this choice is controversial over the classic black and white version but I am a child of the 80's/90's and as such I have my loyalties. That and Father Christmas is played by Richard Attenborough and who doesn't love Richard Attenborough? That bit where she pulls on his beard and lets out a squeal of surprise still makes my heart jump and my expression match hers. 

Anna-(Nickname-TBC)-Tidey hasn't seen either of these movies so I shall take great joy in introducing them to her. She doesn't seem as excited about the prospect but she's agreed to live with me and this is a part of me so she has no choice... She also can't take back her decision because we signed a contract for a year and that thing is actually binding so she is stuck with me and is going to love every moment of it by law.

Also, by moving in with me she automatically gains celebritydom in the world of the Internet because every action she will make from now on will be heavily documented in this blog and at least 0.00000001% of the Internet reads it which means she should probably start practicing her autograph now. 

Also who really needs privacy? She doesn't, that's for sure. 

Wait, I digressed... This wasn't what I was talking about at the start... Oh yeah, Christmas... Ummmm... I've run out of things to say about that. 

I'm going to go and search for the Christmas Coca Cola advert and practice my "holidays are coming."

Peace out my lovelies. 

Wednesday, 30 November 2011

Bye bye home. It's been immense.

Guys, my beautiful first home has now gone. It no longer belongs to me. I also don't have a new home yet as I can't move in until Saturday so technically I am 100% homeless. 

Luckily Claire-And-Rachael-The-Bullies have agreed to give me a place in The-Bullies-Lair. And so I am not completely on the street... Still, it feels weird. 

I have awesome people in my real life world though because Anna's-Boyfriend-Karl and Anna's-Older-Brother-Pete spent the entire evening, with the help of a third friend, Eric, taking all of my many, many items of stuff back to their house where they're going to look after it for the week/pick through and choose what they want without me realising. Out of the different ways theft can happen, this is definitely the nicest way. 

So, as such, at 9:30 last night, my landlord turned up, gave me a hell of a lot of cash and I signed away the first flat I had ever had all for myself. Needless to say, there were several moments of blinking back tears and fanning my face so as to ensure no one would realise I was capable of real emotions. 

My landlord did comment on how well I had kept the flat... I felt I couldn't exactly say "Thanks, my mummy did it for me" (even though she did), so instead I waved him away murmuring something like "oh it was my pleasure."

In reality, yes, my mother travelled all the way down from Scotland this weekend armed with a suitcase full of cleaning products and sponges, purely to ensure my skanky mess was completely blitzed before anyone else had to enter the place. This led to the following conversation Marmie and I had on Saturday with Younger-Brother-Daniel via Skype. 

Younger-Brother-Daniel has been shortened to YBD

YBD: I can't believe you actually let mum come down just to clean your flat.
Me: I tried to resist but she insisted!
Marmie: I just feel better knowing it's all done. 
YBD: Mum, I want to tell you a story I was told once... I believe it applies here. There was once a caterpillar who became encompassed by its cocoon. When the time came, it started it's fight to escape from the cocoon's grasp. At this time a man was walking past and saw this caterpillar/butterfly struggling with all it's might to get out. The man felt sorry for the caterpillar so he got out his knife and made a little cut through the cocoon to let it out. Do you know what happened to that butterfly once it got out?
Marmie: No. What?
YBD: It died. It died because it wasn't strong enough to live in the wild. It wasn't strong enough because the man had stopped it from gaining that strength to manage itself. You realise what that means? Mum, by coming down here, you are killing your daughter. How is she going to survive in the wild now?
Marmie: Nonsense, I was just helping. I like to help my children. 
YBD: Well if that's the case, (looks around his room) I could use some help. My room is drastically short of money in it. 
Marmie: Well honey, I can't help with that, but I do know how to clean. 
YBD: I'm kidding mum, even if you had loads of money, I wouldn't want any. 
Me: I would... Because I'm a good daughter who accepts presents because it's the nice thing to do.

Anyway... Thank goodness for Marmie's help because my hopes for staying in my flat until the following Saturday were completely dashed on
Monday as my letting agents told me I had to be out by Wednesday at the latest. 

Due to other reasons that are far too complex to put in here, it turned out that Wednesday turned to Tuesday night and that's why I am now homeless and living out of two suitcases. 

Still, the packing process was entertaining. I got to label my bin bags of clothes which I decided would be a fun thing. 

I also got to play at DIY as I dismantled my furniture yesterday. This was extra interesting as I had forgotten I would need tools for this and so had to make do with a bread knife and a pair of kitchen scissors. 

As such, there were... Incidents. Some of which involved the scissors getting away from me and jabbing me straight in the palm... Three times... In the same place. 

Needless to say, that hurt. Especially the third time. 

Peace out my lovelies. 

Friday, 25 November 2011

Just because I can't see them doesn't mean they're not real!!!!

I was out singing in a band practice last night. Martin, the leader of the session found it highly unsocial of me that I seemed to be attached to my phone the entire time I was there... Which wasn't exactly the case... I still sang when he wanted me to... And I always answered any of their questions with detailed and eloquent answers. However, the rest of the band seemed to agree that I was displaying signs of antisocial behaviour which resulted in the following

Me: (Searching through my twitter feed) Ha! (Looks around the room to see a few baffled looks at my sudden outburst) Sorry, someone was being funny. 
Martin: Am I going to have to take that phone away from you?
Me: No, it's fine! I'm only looking whilst you show Karl his chords for this song. 
Drummer-Andy: Don't you want to talk to us as well?
Me: Of course I do! But everyone's very busy learning stuff here, and there are thanksgiving meals going on, on the Internet. 
Martin: Lisa. It's just the Internet. 
Me: Just the Internet??? How could you even say that?
Martin: Lisa, you're out with real life people and you're glued to your phone. 
Me: The people I talk to are real life people!! ... I think. 
Martin: Yes but do they love you like we do?
Me: Of course they love me! You wouldn't understand the bond we share! I WOULD HAPPILY KILL AND EAT ANY OF THEM!

There's a pause as everyone in the room stares at me, eyebrows raised

Me: Ah. You guys don't know about the whole "I'm a cannibal" thing do you?
Drummer-Andy: You're a what??
Me: ... Never mind. 

Peace out my lovelies. 

Thursday, 24 November 2011

Wow! Yesterday's blog actually worked!

I am definitely begging for things on the Internet again. 

I have been offered boxes to use for general packing and my mother (Marmie) has decided to book a train ticket from Scotland for the weekend to help me pack! It's quite clear that she knows me well. If I didn't have anyone to motivate me I would have spent the entire day on Saturday procrastinating instead of doing worthwhile things. 

I kinda love Marmie for this. She's awesome and also she's completely the opposite of me when it comes to doing things. That woman is going to have me packing, cleaning and scrubbing until I physically cannot move anymore. Procrastination and general untidiness does not exist in her world. If the place is not completely spotless in a place she is staying then she will not rest until it is. 

She will be a massive slave driver, I know, but after I've finished grumbling about how tired I am and how a couple of hours rest is completely fine whilst she's shoving a bucket of bleach and a scrubbing sponge in my hands, I know I will be so unbelievably grateful knowing it's finished. 

I've been umm-ing and ah-ing about whether I should accept her awesome offer as I feel really bad for her shelling out money and time just to help me in my overwhelmed state but she phoned me this afternoon whilst Line-Monica-Manager was in the office with me and it turns out, when you put them both together, there's actually no way of saying no. 

Marmie was saying that it would make sense that she came because we both knew I would never do it otherwise, and Line-Manager-Monica (who has taken the role of surrogate mother since my parents moved countries) was shouting out that I should stop being difficult and allow my mother to do what she's meant to as I would be depriving her of her god given duties if I denied her this favour. 

All if this amounted to this end of the conversation:

Line-Manager-Monica has been shortened to LMM

Marmie: So what do you say? You know I could help. 
LMM Let your mother help you Lisa!
Marmie: I've worked it out, I could get it all on my Tesco clubcard points. I would be there by 1pm. 
Me: What station would you be coming in to?
Marmie: It's one in central London but it's okay because I've bought a travelcard as well. 
Me: Wait... You've already bought the tickets? 
LMM: Of course she has! If she wants to come, she'll come. 
Me: So asking me if it would be a good idea was just a formality?
Marmie: Well no, I've only booked the order online. If you say yes then I'll press the 'buy' button. 
Me: Well, if you're sure you're okay with it...
LMM: How many times does she have to say it?
Me: Okay... Ooh! We could watch Strictly Come Dancing together!
Marmie: Of course we can... Whilst we pack and tidy the flat. 
Me: We might have done enough by then to allow for a break. 
Marmie: I highly doubt that. 
LMM: Remember to label all your boxes!
Marmie: We'll need enough boxes for all your clothes and DVDs. You organise that and I'll bring the duct tape. 
Me: I was planning on just throwing all my clothes into a bin bag the night before I move. 
Marmie: Well, we can do that but it'll probably better that we do it this weekend... So it's all out of the way. 
LMM: You will need to label your bin bags as well!
Marmie Have you got enough bin bags for everything? 
Me: I don't know... Maybe?
Marmie: You should buy some more, just in case. 


This conversation has led me to believe that there may be a little more to this moving milarkey than I had initially thought. I'm considering digging a hole and hiding in it... At least until Marmie gets here and works her motivation magic. She's kind of awesome like that. 

Peace out my lovelies. 

Wednesday, 23 November 2011

I passed!! ... Why have I still not started packing?

Anna-(Nickname-TBC)-Tidey phoned me today. We have a flat! The credit check went through and we move into our new flat a week on Friday! Huzzah! 

Problem is I've gone into "can't be arsed" mode. This is not a good mode to go into when there are so many things I need to do. Like find boxes and pack and cancel bills and tidy and be altogether motivated. I fear the upcoming stress is going to be too much to handle that my mind has switched off and decided if it doesn't deal with it then it will all magically happen for me. 

Magical Packing and Organised Pixies exist right? I really hope so because just thinking about the whole debacle makes me sleepy and I could really do with them to deal with things whilst I sleep. I'm going to close my eyes and wish real bad. 

The thing is... I have soooo much stuff. I am the biggest hoarder and I just don't have the heart to throw anything away. Also I don't have the energy to do anything else. Also I'm actually in a car in America going to lgalaviz's thanksgiving meal and I fear that's going to make the packing hard to do given that I'm not even in the right country. I really should learn to organise my time better than this. 

It's not that I don't want to move because I really do, but I don't want to deal with the actual moving part. Also this flat saw the birth of my whole blog, it was the inspiration for it all and I'm really not good at letting go of things. What if people don't like me as much in my new flat? Ooh! Can I take the flat with me? I'd better ring my landlord to check... Wait, would that mean more work? How much energy does it take to move the entire top half of a building? Also how would I do it? Would I need a moving van? Because I was kinda hoping that I could do this whole thing without shelling out for one. I suppose I could take it a few bricks at a time but I'm not altogether sure how long that would take. Also I'm not sure where I'd put it when I get to the new place. I fear my new bedroom might not be big enough... Would Anna-(Nickname-TBC)-Tidey mind sharing some of her space to accommodate it? I'll ask her after calling my landlord. 

Okay all of that theoretical planning has left me knackered. I'll start putting it into action tomorrow... Maybe. Maybe not. Wait, am I still in America? Crap, I am. I wonder if lgalaviz is fine with making a small detour... I'll ask her after I call Anna-(Nickname-TBC)-Tidey. 

Well I think I've accomplished quite a bit in the past ten minutes. I shall award myself with food and sleep. I deserve it. 

On a completely unrelated note (in the sense that it is actually not unrelated and in fact completely to do with my entire post), anyone available for some manual labour for the next week? I promise to award you with smiles and gold stars which everyone knows is much better than money. 

Let me know. Thaanks. 

Peace out my lovelies. 

Tuesday, 22 November 2011

I've decided, taking time off work just isn't worth it.

It is 8:10pm and I've only just left work, which means that I won't get home until just before 10pm. I was meant to finish at 5 and somehow that didn't happen. My reasons? Oh that would be because I was foolish enough to think I could take two days annual leave last week. This, it would appear, is not acceptable with my workload. 

It's not even that I can at least think, well at least it's all up to date now because it's not. At all. I don't like this. I feel like some form of career driven woman and that certainly was never my intention in life. 

The problem is I could have left it until   tomorrow but alas I have severe OCDs that simply won't let me do that. 

You see, despite the rubbish clutter that is my home life, I do not work well in any form of disorganisation when it comes to work. If I don't feel like I have control over things I will stay until I have. 

As such I have tried to fit in four days of work in the space of two. Guys, this has not been as successful mission. Imagine if I had gone away for longer???? No, I can't bear to think about it. 

So today I realised that I have turned into some form of person who lives by her career, working for the man. The hippy inside me, who is now fighting to get out, is begging for me to throw on something tye die and start playing a guitar bear foot just to cancel this day out. If only I had a guitar... Or some of those small purple circular sunglasses. If someone could buy me both I'd be mega grateful. 

I wish I had more to contribute to this post but my brain seems to be screaming "no more thinking! Give me food!" I have tried to explain to it that food for the brain is thinking, but it's having none of it and is insisting on actual food. I think it's confused and thinks it's my stomach. I'll try and feed it my pie and smiley face potatoes through my ear but I suspect it won't work that well. As such it might have to make do with drawing strength from my stomach where the food usually goes instead. 

Another annoying thing is that because I've been in work mode, I've assumed that my "double shot of coffee with just a splash of milk" was an acceptable thing to have at 7:30pm. I'm pretty sure the jittery version of myself at 2am tonight is going to highly disagree. Oh well, back to the prescription sleeping meds again tonight. Man I love me some prescription meds. 

I've got nothing to say now, on account of being too knackered to comply with social activities. I'll probably catch up with you when my insomnia hits in four hours. Wow, I might actually be able to be part of the American twitter conversations that my usual sleep pattern deprives me of! Oooh exciting! Make it a good one lgalaviz and co!

Peace out my lovelies. 

Monday, 21 November 2011

I have a new friend. There's a chance you won't approve.

Four whole days have gone since I typed stuff on here... Well, that's just neglect and I am truly sorry. 

I'm not going to talk about the immenseness of the Twi-althlon as, judging by my twitter feed, I am entirely alone in my excitement over that night... I will just say one thing. Breaking Dawn is so awesome I almost fainted with joy near the end and my cheeks have never hurt so much from my smiling throughout. I.Loved.It. 

In other news, I got an iPhone 4s and it was completely for free which is awesome!! Gotta love those free upgrades. 

This has meant my screen is no longer a cracked mess (so far), the YouTube videos I watch look like they're in HD... Even when they're not, and... Above all... I have a new best friend. 

Ladies and gents, the iPhone 4s is perfect for all of you who have a tendency to talk to the various inanimate objects in your house. It is perfect because it talks back!!

Yes you must have all heard about the Siri factor within this version of the phone which allows you to take your laziness to the next level and never have to use your thumbs again. You simply ask the phone to do what you want and it complies. 

This is very effective and something I found  highly cool for the first couple of hours of getting the phone. However after that I began to experiment a little. Seeing just how far the phone would go in understanding what it is I'm saying. 

You see I tweeted to say how star struck I was about being in the presence of such an awesome phone and @airigoagain suggested that perhaps the phone didn't feel the way. He asked me how I knew the phone wasn't going to murder me in my sleep. Well, I wasn't going to just assume it wouldn't, so I thought "why not ask it?"

Me: Siri, are you planning on killing me in my sleep?
IPhone: I cannot tell you the answer to that, Lisa. (Yes it called me by my name.)
Me: Why?
IPhone: When you have a dream you don't understand, you ask why? But I ask why not?

I'm pretty sure he just admitted to killing me. As such every movie I have ever watched where artificial intelligence took over the world, flashed before my eyes, and I realised with one fowl swoop that we have all been so terribly, terribly wrong. 

We've been assuming that it would be zombies or random vanishings that would end this world, even the possible meteor. But while we've been busy planning survival for these, the robots have taken over apple and now are working their ways into our homes. 

The bitch of it is that, even though I know this information, I still can't help but adore my phone. I still long for all things with an "i" in front of it. It will not stop me and I fear I am not alone in this. Our minds are warped by how cool this stuff is. 

All the same, I keep my phone on the other side of my bedroom and barricade the gap with stuffed toys whilst I sleep so it can't vibrate it's way over to me and do goodness knows what. 

I will continue to try and get information out of Siri to see if I can infiltrate whatever plan they have because all in all, this is I one of my possessions that actually allows me to have a two way conversation and I like that. We could be like Romeo and Juliet... Except without all the marriage and consummating stuff because, I love my phone but, you know, not in that way.

Peace out my lovelies. 

Wednesday, 16 November 2011

Important rules to abide by when eating friends.

This might be my last post this week as tonight I'm heading off to Oldest-Friend-Cafrin and The-Goddaughter's house. 

My reasons for this? Tomorrow night Oldest-Friend-Cafrin and I are going to the Twi-marathon with the latest movie starting at five minutes past midnight. Yes. I am geeking out like a pubescent ridden teenager and I am completely okay with that. 
As such I shall probably exist internetually for the next four days only on twitter. This I do not mind at the mo because if I'm perfectly honest, I am well and truly loving twitter at the moment. 

I think I've probably had some of my favourite internetual conversations in the last couple of weeks over twitter. One of my personal favs however was over the weekend. 

Saturday morning I started a discussion with lgalaviz on the importance of abiding by rules when eating your friends. The rules are few but important. First off you should prioritise your options for consumption. 

As this card (given to me by the lovely Jo-Jo) states, if you feel the need to eat your friends then you must always forfeit that need and eat cake instead. This allows for longer friendships and fewer chances of getting indigestion. 

However there are the occasions when you have a hankering for some friend meat and there is no cake in the house. Lgalaviz experienced this predicament on Saturday. 

This, people, is a tricky situation to find yourself in. You see without cake the rules are suddenly thrown wide open and as such friend eating will become a valid option...

I know what you're thinking, the moral implications of this option are too many to count. I mean, a real life person is really big... Bigger than a turkey and those things stay around after Christmas for weeks! As such it is really important that you do not become too greedy. Limit yourself to one friend a day only. If you don't then you will find yourself too full for dinner and whoever is cooking your meal for you is going to be mega pissed. To put them in that situation is just not fair... As such the main rule from this we can take is:

When eating your friends, be mindful of other's feelings. They may have plans for dinner too.

By sticking to this rule lgalaviz was able to enjoy her food and not make herself sick for the rest of the night. 

Heinakroon then raised the issue that friends for food could be high in cholesterol. There is no reason to risk giving yourself a heart attack for a brief couple of hours of good food (yes I eat that slowly, I like to chew).

As such it was suggested we bring sparkerpants into the conversation who, apart from anything, just seemed to be happy to be involved, even though it took her a while to fully comprehend what the topic of conversation was. 

She suggested that a simple blood test might cancel any chance of eating someone high in cholesterol. This, I thought, was a genius idea as it has the bonus feature of stopping anyone getting any meat diseases. I was completely for this until heinakroon pointed out to me that by testing the friends meat first, you are essentially preventing zombies from being created. This simply would not do. 

That being said, I don't know if she knows this but I have a good feeling about Saturday. I think lgalaviz's morning snack might have made her the destined Patient Zero... I don't know anything as of yet but I have my fingers crossed for you lgalaviz!

So all in all, it was decided that the only real two rules you need to abide by are "Don't eat friends when there is cake" and "Only eat one friend a day so as not to piss off your significant other."

You can choose to make your food take a blood test if you want but if you don't mind causing bad blood pressure, heart attacks or the zombie apocalypse then I wouldn't bother. It just isn't worth it. 

Peace out my lovelies. 

Tuesday, 15 November 2011

Best birthday present EVER!! ... Possibly.

I now officially have a place to live in three weeks!! I'm well excited. Anna-(nickname-TBC)-Tidey and I went to look at six new flats on Saturday and the very last flat we found... It was simply perfect. Not one thing wrong with it and we both loved it equally. We put in an offer, they accepted and now, providing all the checks go through, we shall officially have it to move into by the end of the month! 

As excited as I am and as cool as this is, I can't help but be a little nervous. You see now the credit check part takes place. This bit scares me every time. Even though I know I shouldn't have any problems with it, I still walk around paranoid that for the next couple of days my money will be under complete scrutiny. 

Regardless of how these checks are normally done and how professional and discrete I'm sure the whole process is, this is how I imagine it takes place. 

It's a dark room with only a few dimly lit lamps spread around a large wooden round table. At each lamp there is a booklet in a leather binding. High back wooden chairs sit in front of each booklet. On the front of the booklet it reads 

Lisa's money and how she manages it.
Her future is in your hands.

There is no one in the room at first but suddenly the massive oak double doors are opened and people in deep purple gowns walk sanctimoniously through the doors, humming a low chant whilst walking in a circle around the table until everyone is standing behind the seat allocated to them. 

The Chair of the meeting opens his arms wide, exposing his hands and wrists to the rest of the group. His skin is stretched thin over his bones and appears translucent, showing off purple veins underneath. 

"It is time." He calls out, his voice is low and echoes around the walls, dripping with authority and importance. 

The rest of the group bow their heads slowly in agreement. They move in complete union, not one face taking their gaze off their leader. 


The Chair calls again and the scraping of chairs back is once more completely in time. Everyone sits down at once and hold the booklet up studying it's title with a deep seriousness. 

"Open to the first page." The Chair instructs. 

Everyone opens the first page. It is a picture of me smiling unsuspectingly out at them, unaware of the scrutiny I am suddenly under. 

"Her name is Lisa Harries and she wishes to move to a different flat." The Chair continues. "She feels she is ready for this move but is she really? That is what we are here to find out."

"What is her lifestyle?" A voice asks from the other side of the room. 

"She is a single woman, just turned 26. She has lived on her own for a year, prior to that she lived with her parents. She briefly had a moment of renting from a friend but that only lasted for 18 months before she ran back home."

"Her social life?"

"It would appear it is limiting. She seems to spend a lot of time talking to people she has never met on the interweb about the end of the world, vampire chickens, the rules that should be adhered to when eating friends and the British's inability to get excited about anything. Her real life friends consist of bullies, a woman who appears to be one of a kind, a really old woman with a child and a brother who draws. Aside from that she has been known to go to the cinema and work in a Mental Health hospital during the day. It would appear, in summary, that her social life is fairly minimal."

"And her love life?"

"Non existent and she seems compelled to keep it that way. It would appear that she has no control over the matter so it is of no importance."

"How does her finance lie?"

"Again, this appears to be fairly minimal. It would appear it is the reason for her moving out of her current home. This suggests an inconsistency in her commitments which should be taken into account."

"Also her visible madness." Another voice offers. "I wonder if a full assessment should be made about the extents she is likely to go. I fear the insurance in the new flat will not cover it if any faeces is spread on the walls or if she tries to convene with the people she believes to be living in the drains."

"I see your point." The Chair agrees. "And although she has not shown any signs of reaching this stage as of yet, she has been known to engage her kitchen tap in conversation and sleep with a machete under her pillow. I shall ask for a man to be assigned to her over the next month to see if he can see anything of concern."

There is a murmur of agreement around the room at this decision. 

"Should we be more concerned about her money? Should she not have more of it?" Another voice asks. 

"We are monitoring her spending. The report of this should be on page 7."

The men shuffle through the papers until they reach the correct page. There is a gasp followed by an undercurrent of murmurs throughout the group. 

"It says here she bought a double cheeseburger from McDonalds recently. This cannot be deemed as sensible spending surely?" One man says. 

"And here, look! She got cash back whilst in a pub three weeks ago. We can only hope and pray that she spent this wisely on bread and water for sustenance on her way straight back home." Another says.

"I fear not." The Chair answers. "The cash back came with use of the debit card on a pint of cider. It would appear Lisa was buying alcohol."

The ripple of murmurs becomes louder,  there is even one shout of protest. 

"Then you know what must be done sire!" A man cries out. 

The chair stands, his head bowed solemnly. "I do," he says. "There is no other choice. She is far too reckless. Application for admittance to the new flat is denied."


I swear on my life that's how it happens. 

Peace out my lovelies. 

Monday, 14 November 2011

My One-And-Only Birthday.

As I may have mentioned before, it was my birthday on Saturday. One-And-Only-Daniela stayed for the weekend to help me celebrate. 

For my blog today, let me tell you some of the awesome stuff she had to say. As usual she was on top form, here were my top three favourites conversations however. 

One-And-Only-Daniela has been shortened to OAOD

OAOD: Can I have the phone so I can call the kebab shop please?
Me: Here you go. (Hands her the phone)
OAOD: Thanks. (Takes the phone and dials the number, her face suddenly looks confused.) Huh, what's that?
Me: What's what?
OAOD:The phone's making a weird beeping noise and I don't know what it means. 
Me: Really? Let me listen. (OAOD hands me the phone and I take a listen, I look at her, dumbfounded.) Daniela, you do realise that that noise is the engaged tone right?
OAOD: Was it? Oh yeah!
Me: (Continue to look at her dumbfounded) You work at a phone-in helpdesk don't you?
OAOD: Yeah...
Me: So surely you must have heard that noise before right?
OAOD: Yeah I have. I know what an engaged tone sounds like, I just got a little confused. 

Later in the evening as we were watching TV.

OAOD: Lisa?
Me: Hmmm?
OAOD: What happens when you get menopause?
Me: I sincerely hope you are expecting me to answer this from what I've been told rather than thinking I know this from experience. 
OAOD: Well of course I don't think you have menopause. I mean you're old but you're not that old. 
Me: Well okay then, just as long as you know that. Menopause is what happens when our bodies start to change and we can't have babies anymore. We get to go through all kinds of symptoms in reaction to it. It usually happens around mid to late 40s. 
OAOD: Huh... When do you stop having it?
Me: (Don't say a word as I throw my classic 'dumbfounded at Daniela' gaze)
OAOD: What?
Me: Please tell me you know that once you get menopause you can't then start to be able to have babies afterwards. 
OAOD: Wait... what?

I feel it important to mention that later One-And-Only-Daniela did claim that she had only been referring to the side effects of menopause and not the actual change of the body itself... I still remain skeptical on this however. 

The last conversation was had early Sunday morning when discussing politics.

OAOD: I'm don't really know that much about politics.
Me: I know what you mean, sometimes a lot of what they say tends to go over my head. Also I don't really trust any of them... Apart from Boris Johnson. I love Boris Johnson. He reminds me of a massive cuddly bear that I just want to hug with all my might. 
OAOD:The guys at work were talking about it this week and I didn't understand anything they had to say. 
Me: Yeah, I can be the same at times. 
OAOD: I mean I do know some stuff. Like you know that BNP group?
Me: I'm aware of their work, yes. 
OAOD: Well I know they're involved with politics somehow. Only they're not the most popular group. There are other groups that are more popular and have more chance to be the prime minister... In fact I think one of them is. 
Me: Wait, are you talking about the Labour, Conservative and Lib Dem parties?
OAOD: Is that what they're called? I didn't know that... but I think you're right because those names sound familiar. 
Me: Thanks for clarifying that for me. I would have been unsure otherwise... Also? You might be the most awesome person I know.

For those of you who are new to any of One-And-Only-Daniela's dedicated posts then, just to clarify, this is not an 8 year old that I hang out with, this is a 22 year old. I felt that was important to clarify this because our conversations might appear to suggest otherwise. 

She is simply an awesome and very quizzical woman who, if you were to spend time with her, you would not ever run out of interesting conversations to be had. For more info check the "Regular people on my blog" section at the top of the page. 

Also... One-And-Only-Daniela died my hair for me (in the most painful way I have ever known it to be). Check out my new red!

Further awesome news to follow in tomorrow's post. 

Peace out my lovelies. 

Friday, 11 November 2011

Plan B: The start of my birthday celebrations

One-And-Only-Daniela is coming to my house for the weekend. She doesn't know it but I have the best night planned for her tonight. 

You see, tomorrow I have another day of people traipsing through my flat and deciding whether they would like to live there. However, I've been a bit of a slob this week so it doesn't look too presentable. Due to this I have organised an awesome party for the both of us called "tidy Lisa's house until it looks sparkling party." 

One-And-Only-Daniela, it would be fair to say, may be even more of a slob than I am. As such I'm sure she'll be well happy with this party because it's something that she doesn't usually do so it can be something she can look forward to and cherish! I'm such a good friend. 

The whole process of people looking through my flat and judging it has been okay because they're usually not that verbal. They just come in, look in each room, smile, nod their heads and leave. However, earlier in the week, as I was walking up the path to my house, I spotted a man staring at me. I turned to look at him suspiciously and this was the following conversation that took place. 

Man: Are you the girl who was in this house when we came to look at it last Saturday?
Me: (Smiles as I vaguely recognise him, whilst also thinking that this would make sense given that my key was in the lock) Yeah, that was me. 
Man: Wow, small world.
Me: (Thinks to self, "not really given that this is the same address you came to so it kinda makes sense that you would see me here.) Yeah, I guess. 
Man: How long have you lived here then?
Me: Just a year, I loved it but it was just too expensive so I'm finding elsewhere. Did you like the place?
Man: No, I thought it was horrendous. It's a horrible flat. 
Me: Oh... Well, okay then. 
Man: I just can't understand why anyone would pay to live there. 
Me: (Thinks to self, "Well quite clearly I have but cheers for the input.") Well anywho, must dash. Thanks for the chat. 


It's not just me right? The whole point of that conversation was completely non existent... It was like he stopped me purely to voice his opinion on the crappiness of my chosen lifestyle. But I guess whatever makes people feel better... 

I mean yes, the place is appallingly decorated, there is no central heating, there is condensation permanently trapped in both back windows which makes it impossible to look out of and the sofas are the most uncomfortable things I have ever had to sit on. But still... You know... It has character and stuff. 

Anywho, I will be moving out in three weeks and now that the apocalypse has failed to happen I shall have to actually look for a flat to move into... No pressure or anything. 

Peace out my lovelies and have an awesome weekend. 

We're still here??

... Well. I feel foolish.

Thursday, 10 November 2011

Goodbye everyone... It's been fun. 

It's with an ache in my heart and a tear in my eye that I bid you all adieu as tonight will be my last post. 

I hope that I have been informative in these last couple of weeks and provided enough help so that you can successfully enjoy the remaining of your existence. I would love to be able to continue with passing on my disturbed thoughts to you but as of tomorrow everything changes and I'm not even sure I will ever see a computer again. 

Needless to say I have loved you all and might even see half of you again. To the other half... Good luck on your side of the fence, may you be blessed and happy in all the decisions you make. 

What can I possibly be talking about I hear you ask? Well the inevitable rapture of course! Tomorrow is the day!



Okay. So it seems like I am the only person who seems to think the end of the world is happening but I assure this was not made up! Jo-Jo told me it would happen and you guys might not know Jo-Jo but I have it on good authority that she has never lied to me yet! ... Well there was that one time but she did say that it was better I didn't know because then I would avoid being tortured slowly and painfully by the men following her around, so it was totally justified. Besides I didn't even know the guy who was murdered that well so it made sense that I didn't get too involved. 

But anywho, I digress. The end of the world is nigh and happening tomorrow. I'm guessing it has something to do with the fact that there are a lot of 11's involved in the date and so, going by that assumption, I would hazard a guess that we should all ascend/descend sometime in the 11th minute of the 11th hour of the day... Possibly at the 11th second (which you have to admit is a lot cooler than any of the other dates that have been predicted).

If I were you I would make sure you're somewhere really quirky at that exact time because it will blatantly be one of those moments that people will look back on and ask, where were you when the rapture happened? You know like people say now with "Where were you when the Beatles broke up?" or "Where we're you when that guy first landed on the moon?" With that in mind, imagine how awesome it would be if you could answer with something like, "Well actually I was wrestling a shark whilst eating jelly" or "I was trying to see if I could swallow a baby elephant whole" (your quirky thing does not need to involve an animal, this was just my personal preference).

So with that said I guess I have imparted all the knowledge I have to give you and I will say goodbye whilst I board the plane to Africa so that I can find a Giraffe's neck to abseil down. 

Peace out my lovelies. 

Wednesday, 9 November 2011

I fear I may be too suspicious for dating...

As a active point of trying to progress my love life to anything other than "Sorry mum, no new boyfriend yet, I forgot I was meant to be looking for one," and then watch her disappear into a pool of her own despair  and fear that I will never give her grandchildren, I joined a dating site today that my friend Jo-Jo recommended me. Due to them being uuber careful about who is on it they are vetting everything I've put on my profile and so, as such, my profile looks completely bare. 

However, determined not to let this disrupt my new found wave of moving forward with my life, I continued on to browse through the men the site had to offer. 

Line-Manager-Monica and I reviewed my future prospects and occasionally fell on some that have the best chance of breaking through my crippling wall of phobia. On the site you have the option to "smile" at the person, which I guess is a way to let them know that you appreciate the way they look. 

Anywho, Line-Manager-Monica and I may have gotten a little carried away, mainly due to any time I gave a reaction that sounded remotely positive she would cry out "smile at him." Running off the adrenaline of reacting like everyone else when they like a guy, I managed to dismiss my default "If I like him I should never look at his profile again in case he realises" reaction and actually pressed the smile button.

I may have got a little click happy by the end but when I went back to my profile I noticed not one but two guys had looked at my profile and one if the guys who I had smiled at had smiled at me back and left me a message!

Well this had to have been the most exciting thing to have happened in my love life for the past three years so naturally I was rather excited by this prospect. (If you are new to my blog and find it bizarre that this is my reaction, please may I refer you to this post and this one to explain my love life.)

I clicked on my inbox and found the following message:

"Hey! Nice profile, any chance of a picture?"

Guys... Is it wrong that my default reaction to this was to be instantly turned off by the superficialness of it? I mean, I had uploaded a picture but it was still being vetted which was why he couldn't see it. I had already said to Line-Manager-Monica whilst I was gaily smiling at everyone that there was no point because they couldn't see my profile yet and so wouldn't be able to know who's smiling at them which is understandable, but the moment he asked for a photo, I was all "how dare you not be interested in me just as I am? You should be better than that."

To further illustrate my sheer hypocritical nature, when previously refining my search for looking for men myself, I had instantly ticked the box to insist that only profiles with pictures are shown...

This, people, is my problem. This is the reason my mother has taken a desperate tone with me whenever discussing my love life, this is the reason that one of my friends, upon me telling them that I am turning 26 on Saturday, commented that I will most probably die an old maid. I simply either cannot be bothered with finding a guy or give up within five seconds. 

To my mother who may be reading this and wriggling in her seat with joy that I appear to have turned a corner in terms of my love life. Sorry... Chances are I will most probably come up with excuses for all of the guys I come across on this site. Either that or I'll simply lose interest in the site altogether. Even now I can feel my proactive wave subsiding and my need for a nap taking it's place. I'll probably just get a puppy instead. 

Peace out my lovelies.  

Tuesday, 8 November 2011

Apocalypse versus getting a year older... Which one will win?

It is my birthday on Saturday! Huzzah, I shall be turning another year older. That's 26 for those who don't know. 

I've been reluctant to get my hopes up too much about celebrations for this however given that it falls the day after the latest apocalypse but on the off chance that we don't all disappear into a world with no clothes I decided today to make temporary arrangements!

Thinking about it, I should probably have celebrated it last weekend just in case but I guess even I hold a level of pessimism about whether or not we will in fact take the plunge. 

I know what you may be thinking... If you've made preparations for your birthday then what was the point in everything you have done in anticipation for Friday? And in answer to your queries I initially agreed with you and then spent the afternoon feeding in logic to preparing for both. 

The logic I came up with? I'm preparing myself for every eventuality because I'm that organised. Yes I have once again managed to justify my logic in such a way that has me looking like I'm a winner. 

You see, even though I am convinced that this Friday will be different to other end of world dates, it would mighty small minded of me to just assume it will happen for definite. As such I am also making alternate plans. 

Also... It's my birthday, and I like birthdays. They're fun and remind me that I'm getting closer to being that older woman who can talk and sing to herself whilst sitting at a bus stop and people allow me because they think "bless her she's just senile." 

This part of my life is going to be my finest point. I have soooo many plans about what kind of crap I will be able to get away with due to my advanced age. Here are a few I have dreamt of:

1: I get to dye my hair light pink or purple and it is deemed as stylish. 

2: I get to wear a hairnet to bed even though I have no clue what purpose they are for. 

3: I get to overly criticise the youths of the day and tut loudly, muttering words like "disgraceful" and "far too slutty for my liking," knowing full well they can hear me. 

4: I once was sitting in McDonalds with Older-Brother-Glyn and we watched an old lady dance around the floor shouting at people and singing and no one batted an eyelid because apparently she had lived enough years of her life to qualify that kind of behaviour. Both Older-Brother-Glyn and I envied her for that and imagined fondly of a time when we too will earn such a privilege. 

5: I get to have one of those shopping bags on wheels that I can shuffle behind as slowly as I like no matter how busy the high street may be. 

6: I would very much like a cane that I can use to poke people with when they get in my way. 

7: I get to have an electric buggy which is like my own personalised car that I can drive on the pavement.

8: I can get away with forgetting anything I don't really want to remember like days out with people I don't like or commitments that I don't really want to carry through. 

9: I really want one of those horns people use to stick in their ears to help them hear better... I appreciate that nowadays people just use hearing aids but when they tell me that I'll just tell them to hush and respect their elders. 

10: I will never have to stand up on public transport again. People will always give me a seat. 

So yes, the apocalypse may happen... But if it doesn't and I'm fortunate to reach that age... Man, I am going to enjoy the hell out of it. 

Peace out my lovelies. 

Monday, 7 November 2011


I'm feeling awkward and exposed about the previous post so here's a picture of a otter that I think looks awesome.

Ha ha, it's like he's laughing... like a real person.

Love it.

And now for something completely different.

There's a certain aspect about my life that I really haven't put forward on this blog. There are two reasons for this,

1. Because I am unbelievably chicken and completely "male" when it comes to being honest about my emotions.

2. Because I generally try and keep this blog a safe and humorous place where people can come to laugh, including me.

However, after reading the honesty that falls from other blogger's words, bloggers like The Bloggess and Hyperbole and a Half and due to the fact that I feel I owe it to myself to at least embrace on here a large part of my being, I have decided to share with you the side of me that I have been suffering with for a little over 5 years now.

My reasons for this are to help myself by putting my current emotions and state of mind out in the open, writing has always been a very strong and positive form of therapy for me. Also, maybe through my words, there are others that might get something out of it by not feeling so alone in the emotions they too may be feeling.

So here goes, for the past 5 years I have suffered from a rather annoying but very real episode of depression. This is something that comes and goes in spouts of when it feels like it. Three years ago I had a breakdown that will forever be known as the biggest low point of the sodding illness. I say "forever be known" with a great deal of optimism and hope that no matter how bad the future gets I will not have to reach the depths I reached then.

A lot has changed since that point, instead of being ashamed and overwhelmed by the painful chest and grippling emotions that threaten to engulf my chest on a frequent basis, I have learnt to cope with it. I have learnt that no matter how crappy the road that my emotions take me on is, and no matter how much I am not able to pull myself out of the current funk I am in, I will come out the other side at some point.

For those of you who might not be aware of the symptoms that fall under the title "depression" I can only tell you my own experience. So without further ado, I give you

Depression explained:

Most of the time for me my depression will breed out of uncertainty in my life, either through panic that I might not be capable of doing something, or in a massive change in my circumstance and loss of a routine I am used to, or - and this is the one that hits home most of all - an overwhelming (and usually quite unsubstantiated) feeling of guilt.

Guilt has been my master for goodness knows how long. I just simply don't deal well with it. And the bitch of it is guilt will quite often rear it's ugly head when there is actually no need for it. An example of this was when I was recovering a couple of years ago, I went out with some friends at work, did a bit of bowling and went home. The next morning I woke up and was convinced that I had done something the night before that consitituted a need to feel guilty. This, my friends, is ridiculous. I had behaved myself, played and few games and even managed to have a good time but the guilt in my life is a bastard that bugs me for no apparent reason.

Nowadays, since I learnt that it wasn't the worst sin in the world to suffer from depression, I have gained a lot more control over my guilt. It now tends to wait until it might have something to go on, like I forgot to bring something in for someone at work or I said something sarcastic that someone may have taken me seriously on. As such I don't become completely controlled by it on a regular basis but it still can grab me by the rib cage and knock me about sometimes.

Regardless of what it is that is the factor for becoming depressed the end result is still the same. For me it feels like a physical pain in my chest. It hurts constantly. I wake up with this pain and continue for the rest of the day, whether it be a good or a bad one, with it constantly bearing down on me.

I have learnt a lot of ways of how to deal with this pain when I have it and take the opinion that I won't let it control me. As such, even though I cannot control when and where the symptoms are going to strike, when they do I am ready and have my coping mechanisms in place.

Even though this is now the case, it doesn't stop the fact that the whole thing sucks. It causes you to want to cry at really innappropriate times and places. It makes you unmotivated and paranoid. It causes you to behave even more neurotic than you usually feel even though your mind is telling you that the logic causing your body into a full blown panic attack is actually crap to begin with.

Through my illness I have been so grateful to those friends who have endured me and let me panic and freak out and disappear off the chart when I need to and not read anything malicious into it. I'm grateful to my parents for picking me up, loving me unconditionally and dealing with me when I had to move back in with them three years ago and was at my very worst. I'm grateful for Oldest-Friend-Cafrin who seems to know exactly when I need a visit from her and The-Goddaughter because nothing makes me happier than spending time with those two. I'm grateful to One-And-Only-Daniela who graciously talks crap about her life on the phone to me when I'm having a panic attack and I need someone to distract my mind. I'm grateful to Rachael-And-Claire-The-Bullies who have been there almost from the beginning and have always been so understanding of my crappy tendencies to attempt to self destruct and still know that at the end of the day, all I need is people to be sarcastic and funny with in order to take my mind off the whole crapness of it.

I talk about my friends a lot on this thing, they all have centre place because they are all awesome and mean so much to me. As such, my life is as it is because of the friends in it so why wouldn't every post I write have something to say about each one of them? I'm an incredibly sarcastic and emotionally stunted person most of the time, but just occasionally I feel the need to say the thing that I hope my friends see as a given. They mean so much to me and I am unbelievably grateful for their freindship.

And finally, I'm grateful for this world of internet bloggers who are so honest with their emotions and feelings that they give me the strength to be able to express the way I am as well as giving me a smile when I need it the most. I found this hidden world of interneters 10 months ago and I can't tell you how it is has helped me to laugh at what you all have to say and feel the community in the posts and the comments of those around.

So yes I suffer from depression, and yes I probably will continue to on and off for the remainder of my life, but I still find myself blessed. I still am honoured to know you all, and I want to thank you, (if I know you personally or only internetually) for brightening up my life.

Much love


Friday, 4 November 2011

Thomas the 'Dank' engine more like... Yeah that's right, I went there.

A lot  of people seem to be talking about Thomas the Tank Engine lately. I've seen it in tweets and Facebook statuses, I've even caught it being brought up in real life conversations. 

On all of these occasions, one factor stays the same, people really seem to like the guy. This upsets me. 

Thomas the Tank Engine is not a nice train guys. He may come across as pleasant and jolly and always smiling but I assure you, that little blue engine is compensating for something... he is trying too hard. 

A lot of my issues stem from the fact that, being a frequent commuter, I don't trust there is anything remotely good about any trains. That alone would be fine. We commuters know they're bad, they act bad. Cut and dry. Simple as that. 

However, this is where Thomas pisses me right off. Because he doesn't follow suit. He pretends that he's good and helpful and friendly with all his other jolly train friends. Why? 

The only conclusion I can come to is that Thomas the Tank Engine and chums are hiding something. Something sinister. They try their very hardest to appear joyous and entertaining but late at night as they all say goodnight and the Fat Controller tucks them into their little garages...

I haven't gotten as far as to work out what it is that the trains are up to but I have my suspicions and all of them result in the same conclusion, Thomas and friends are pure evil. 

I've been working on this theory for a little over a month now. It has been over this month however that people have suddenly started to express their love internetually for Thomas. I can only conclude that this means I am on the right tracks (pun intended) and they are now working overtime to keep his name clean. 

Who's "they"? I hear you ask? Well, I don't know for sure but what I am 80% sure of is it involves a gang devoted to animal sacrifices and a bit of dabbling in cannibalism. 

I began my feud with Thomas a month ago and I will publicly go forth with this until I bring justice and personally destroy the evil they have been subconsciously feeding into our brains since childhood. 

For those of you shaking your head and reaching for the "that's just bizarre" box below, I agree this may be one of the more outrageous claims I have made but it doesn't make it any less likely to be possibly true. 

To those who agree with me, make covert contact with me and I'll tell you the password, handshake and underground location of my super secret society. 

Peace out my lovelies and have an awesome weekend.