Thursday, 29 March 2012

I'm bleeding and it's all happiness's fault.

I cut my lip smiling yesterday... who does that? I do apparently.

It was rather ironic as I was being stupidly moody yesterday even though the sun was out and the weather was amazeballs and the day was going smoothly and it wasn't even my period time. For no apparent reason I was determined to stay in a bad mood and as Line-Manager-Monica is away this week, I had no one to take it out on but myself. As such, I scowled and called myself names which, I have to say, were pretty harsh and uncalled for.

I talked to Work-Buddy-James at lunchtime about the stupid mood I was illogically maintaining, he reminded me of all the reasons why I shouldn't be in the mood I was in... mainly all the reasons I mentioned above.

As such, in the afternoon, I decided to snap myself out of this silliness and force a smile on my face. How I chose to do this was to take the little hand held mirror Line-Manager-Monica leaves on her desk, look myself deep in the eye, and make the biggest smile I was capable of making.

I did this... I smiled big. And then, no sooner had I started this smile, I felt the crack of the skin over my bottom lip and I began to bleed. Go figure.

Needless to say, I gave up on that idea pretty sharpish and went on with my ongoing 'close to the mark' insults towards myself. You know, I can be such a bitch to myself when I want to be. I don't know how I sleep at night... wait, I don't. I just sit up crying over the really harsh insults I've received all day.

Anywho... I went home and had an 'early into the morning, let's be unbelievably girly and in touch with our emotions etc etc' conversation with Housemate-Anna. I like her. She's a lot nicer to me than I am.

This whole post was meant to be a sort of funny post about being moody but I fear it has simply come across as just plain moody... If this is how you have interpreted it, then please can you go back to the beginning and read it again but with the impression that I am now looking back on the time with an amused reflection of how silly emotions can be whilst eating an ice lolly and humming to myself. I won't tell you what I'm humming however, that I will leave for you to make up yourselves, give you a chance to let the creative juices flowing. If you do have a song in mind that you care to share, then by all means do so. It may give me something new to hum when writing one of my later blogs.

Anywho, Housemate-Anna sent me to bed all talked out and I slept like a baby so I have been singing her praises all morning. I wonder if she'll be happy to forget about the prospect of eventually marrying and having children and just live with me as Housemate-Anna for the rest of our lives... NOTE TO SELF: Find a way to ask Housemate-Anna this tonight without creeping her out.

I have a tank sized cup of coffee waiting for me so I'm going to go and get on with drinking that now.

Talk soon.

Peace out my lovelies.

Saturday, 24 March 2012

Me: Are we really sad doing this? ... One-And-Only-Daniela: No, we're fine.

One-And-Only-Daniela is around this weekend once again (I know, she might as well just live here right?). Last night we went to see The Hunger Games which was so amazing I can't even begin... I just... no words... wow.

It was a little annoying that we went at 5:20pm on the first Friday it was out. This meant that there were a lot of early teen girls in the cinema with us... Now, I tend to be of the opinion that I should tolerate all kinds of people in the world, we are all equals and worthy of the same respect... yesterday I decided that early teen females who travel around in packs and giggle incessantly throughout a movie whenever a female and male even touch each other was where I drew the line.

One-And-Only-Daniela tends to have a favourite saying that goes something like this... "I swear, I'm going to smack someone in a minute." This is usually followed by my own line of "Daniela, you have too much pent up rage, not everyone deserves a smack, let's try some love instead."

Last night however, I was there cracking my knuckles with her. There were moments when I swear I missed whole scenes because of the giggling pubescent girls surrounding us from every direction. People need to stop having fun with their friends and openly showing their enjoyment of things... it's just not acceptable.

If you want to have proper fun then you need to take a leaf out of mine and One-And-Only-Daniela's book. Last night we drank wine, talked about getting emotional, got emotional and then went to bed. It was very civilised and didn't interrupt anyone's viewing of films that they had been waiting for months to see.

This morning was even more awesome. We woke up and sat in my double bed, both with our iphones out, playing Temple Run for about an hour. This was before any real conversation. The only thing we talked about during this experience was the following comments:

OAOD: Oh wow you got the magnet power up, that's my favourite, I'm really jealous.
Me: I know it's the best isn't it?

Me: Let's start the games at exactly the same time and see who lasts the longest.
OAOD: Okay! That sounds like fun.

Me: Are we really sad doing this?
OAOD: No, we're fine.

We then progressed to watching Vampire Diaries and swooning for 45 minutes.

All in all, I think that's a Saturday morning well spent.

Peace out my lovelies.

Thursday, 22 March 2012

I prefer to rely on things that might not be real, internetually and in real life.

A phone conversation I had with Younger-Brother-Daniel last night.

Younger-Brother-Daniel has been shortened to YBD

YBD: Lisa, you and Cousin-Becky were having good old banter on Twitter last weekend and when I joined in, you both just stopped. 

Me: Oh my days, that comment you put up slayed me. I thought it was hilarious. 

YBD: So why didn't you respond? I felt like you were being mean and didn't want to talk to me. 

Me: Are you kidding? It was a perfect response to what we were saying. I even repeated it to One-And-Only-Daniela who was with me. 

YBD: Again, I ask, why did you ignore me then?

Me: Well, because it was hilarious. It would have been less funny if a comment followed it. 

YBD: This wasn't a script for some comedy show. This was just comic banter on Twitter between cousins. 

Me: Isn't that the same thing?

YBD: What? No! This is real life, you're allowed to comment on something funny, in fact it's encouraged, it makes the other person feel involved. 

Me: I'm confused. Don't you spend hours in your day thinking up funny and witty things to say on the internet?

YBD: Noooo, I generally just talk to people like we're real human beings

Me: Well, you obviously don't take the Internet as seriously as me.

YBD: You mean I don't spend 24/7 on it trying to be funny? No, I have a life. 

Me: Daniel, you're a third year university student who goes to bed at 7am, wakes up at 9pm and spends your remaining time sitting at your computer. 

YBD: Your point?


Hey guys, remember when I used to blog on this thing every day? Yeah, they were good times. Sorry I've been sucky with that. I am trying but crumminess of life keeps on getting in the way. 

One thing I have noticed over twitter this week though is that everyone seems to be having a pretty crappy week. I completely relate to all these people, I have no idea what is going on but this week just seems to suck... a lot. 

I mean, sure, I can attribute my sudden loss of cheer to having my beautiful hat stolen from me. That thing took up all my free time last week, it's a really good conversationalist (is that a word? My iPhone seems to think it is, so I'm going with it). 

I tried to create a substitute friend to help me through the dark days. Meet Ernie. 

He's pretty awesome, however he's only a couple of days old and he seems a little lonely. I'm considering making him a friend but he'll have to wait until next week because I am now off work until Monday. 

Line-Monica-Manager has threatened to destroy him while I'm away... after I told her that he's the only thing getting me through the loss of Andy-Thelans-Hat. 

When I shared my terror over this threat, she simply laughed and said "Why don't you go and blog about it?"

So I am. 

Dear Line-Manager-Monica, 

Please don't kill Ernie. I made him his own hat today and I haven't even managed to get a picture of him in it for the sake of memories etc. 

Also, it would just be plain harsh to create a person, let them sit alone watching me work for three days, and then kill him before he's even had a chance to live.

I think he's going to end up with hopes and wishes (I'm not entirely sure, I haven't figured out all of his personality yet) and you can't rip that chance away from him, it may almost definitely crush him. 

There's the added issue of my own emotions and feelings of loss. Ernie, in his short life has been 100% dependable and he is out of reach of all ninjas. If I lost another inanimate object that I have given a personality, there is no telling how my sanity challenged mind will take it. 

All that said, I look forward to coming back on Monday and seeing him smiling happily up at me the way he always has. 

Thanks very much


There, that should do it. *fingers crossed*

Peace out my lovelies. 

Sunday, 18 March 2012

For Marmie.

I want to tell you all about this amazing person in my life. A woman that I truly adore and look up to and try to model my life around in every turn I make. That woman is my mother.

(She's the one that is female and not me)

My mum is one of those people who will always put the needs of others before her own. She works really hard at providing a loving and nurturing relationship with everyone who knows her and she is absolutely amazing at it.

Growing up, she was the perfect role model to have, always caring, always conscientious of others feelings and always always open with how much she loves us. I think it's only once you're away from your family, living in a real world with access to real sadness, suffering and pain in families that you find yourself realising just how lucky you had it, how well your parents had done to shield and protect you from the things that could have damaged you in your childhood.

My mother (and my father who is also awesome) did this so well. Sure I hated them at the time for not being allowed out to the park after dark to drink with people from school at 14 years old. Now, I see it, I see how they wanted to make sure I enjoyed my childhood whilst I had it. There were plenty enough times in my adulthood to make all the mistakes I will invariably do as a human being. At that time, they were my protectors and responsible for how I would grow up, and they weren't going to take the responsibility lightly.

I want to share just one of my many amazing memories of my mother and an example of her love as it is simply awesome.

When we were young, around the years 5-10 years old, my parents (being Salvation Army Officers) would have to go away over the Easter period for a week. As such, Older-Brother-Glyn would be sent to my dad's parents and myself and Younger-Brother-Daniel would go and stay at my mum's parents. This was only one week, and to be perfectly honest, at that age, we were all much more excited that we got to go and play and Grandma and Grandad's house because there were loads of toys there and Grandma would take us out every day, so really we were completely fine about the whole thing.

My mother however, didn't want any of us to think that this meant she loved us any less, or that she wasn't thinking of us over this holiday period, and so she would make us a letter and a present for every day she was gone. Each morning we would wake up, run to our Grandma and beg her for our new installment.

I couldn't tell you now what any of those gifts were, or what any of the letters said in any detail, but I do know that they were full of love and I never doubted that my mum was thinking about each of us every day.

As I've grown up, there have been rough patches, mainly due to me being the worst grumpy teenager to my parents in the world... Seriously, it's put me off ever having girls, I was a nightmare, but after I stopped being the teenager from hell, my mum and I became close, became not just mother and daughter, but friends.

Sure we have our differences, she is the cleanest person in the world (to OCD level) and... well... I do like my clutter. There have been struggles, but when you can say that your hardest struggle in your relationship with your mother is that you fear you will never be as good a person as she is, I think you can safely say that she did a good job.

This year is the first year that my mum is without all three of her children. She's in Scotland and we're in England and I still haven't managed to get a chance to speak to her yet. Her family means the world to her, I would even go as far as saying that we are her world. I know, more than anything, that there is nothing she wouldn't do for us.

She's the woman who wrote me letters when she wasn't around, she's the woman who sat and cried with me in our bathroom when I made the decision to take a gap year instead of going to the uni I had working so hard to get into and had failed, she's the woman that, when she hears I'm upset, her gut instinct has been to come and get me and help even if she is 8 hours away, she's the woman who got on a train last year from Scotland when I was moving house, armed with a suitcase full of cleaning products, in order to ensure I had help to get everything done. She's the woman who looks at her three children and I can see how much happiness she wishes on us, how much she wants to see us married and with children, not just so that she can have Grandchildren, like we joke, but because she wants us to experience the sheer joy and happiness that she has felt marrying my dad and raising us three.

It feels really weird and kind of emotional that I'm not with her this year, and I really hate that she is without any of us on a day when we really should be spending all our time with her, singing her praises.

So instead of that, I thought that I would take a leaf out of her book and write her this. My letter to my amazing mother who I love very very much and miss with all my heart.

I love you mum. Happy mother's day.

Saturday, 17 March 2012

It truly is a very special hat

Last Sunday evening, I was crashed on Housemate-Anna's bed, discussing what our weeks had been like.

Housemate-Anna: So did you have a good time with Andy today?
Me: Yeah, it was cool, we went on the swings and got a ice cream from the ice cream truck and then we went to the cinema.
Housemate-Anna: That sounds like a busy day.
Me: It was, but you know what was the best thing about it?
Housemate-Anna: What?
Me: I have managed to gain possession of Andy's hat.
Housemate-Anna: What's so great about Andy's hat?
Me: What's so great about it? (I jump up and run to my bedroom to retrieve the hat) Look at it! It's amazing and I love it! I want it to be mine. I've been trying to make it happen but he always catches me out at the last minute and steals it back from me. But today I got the upper hand... today, I stole that hat right from under his nose and he didn't even notice! I win!!
Housemate-Anna: Wow, this is something you're quite clearly passionate about.
Me: He probably hasn't even noticed I have it yet. He's probably sitting at home blissfully unaware that I am in possession of the hat of awesome.
Housemate-Anna: (Losing interest and starting to flick through her magazine) Probably.
Me: I'll have to tell him... but I have to do it in a good way... something that will be awesome... I think I'll use facebook... (I jump up in excitement as my idea came to me) I need my camera! I need my keys to go outside and I need someplace that's woody.

And without a backward glance from me or a perplexed look from Housemate-Anna (she has grown used to my moments of awesomeness) I started what anyone who knows me on facebook will know as one of the following:

1. The most annoying Lisa has ever been on facebook week
2. The most hilarious Lisa has ever been on facebook week
or the majority vote went for...
3. The week Lisa lost her mind and took some random hat with her.

My first photo, on Sunday night was:

Let me tell you a story of Andy Thelan's hat.

One day it was sitting in Andy's car and thought to itself "I want to travel the world!" and so it took what little money it had, jumped out the window and started the magical journey of wonder that it hoped would change it's life... And it did. Oh boy it did.

I received no reply from him regarding this and so I had no choice but to continue with the following two pictures on Monday.

"Hey Lisa?" Andy Thelan's hat said with a sigh.

"What's up Andy Thelan's hat?" I asked?

"I grow tired of trying to see the world on my own, I don't really get that far because ... Well ... You know ... I don't have a map."

"You also don't have any legs Andy Thelan's hat," I added.

"You are wise Lisa, therefore I have asked if you might be my guide to see the wonders of the world I have not seen."

"Of course I will Andy Thelan's hat!"

"Wonderful!" The hat remarked. "Now... Where to?"

"Sainsburys." I replied. "It's five minutes from the flat."

"Very well," Andy Thelan's hat replied, "I shall bring the bullet of truth just in case."

"Do you need a gun for that?" I asked.

"No, just the beating heart of a sacrificed pig."

"Oh okay, let's go."

Me: Andy Thelan's hat? What are your hopes and dreams?
Andy-Thelan's-Hat: Ah well, Lisa, you have embarked on a rather tricky subject I am afraid.
Me: Oh really, why's that?
Andy-Thelans-Hat: I'm afraid young child, I am not capable of dreams as I unable to sleep, let alone dream.
Me: You mean like Edward Cullen?
Andy-Thelans-Hat: there at a few differences within that association but... Essentially yes.
Me: What? You mean like the fact you like Pringles and not blood.
Andy-Thelans-Hat: well yes, but also because I am a hat.
Me: Oh... Do you sparkle in the sun?
Andy-Thelans-Hat: (pause) No Lisa, no I do not.

Still not a single response. He was being cool about it, he didn't want to air out all his pain on a forum that everyone would see... So instead, I thought I would let him know just how much of an awesome time I was having with his hat, thus came these following photos throughout the week.

Andy-Thelans-Hat: Wake up Lisa, you'll be late for work.
Me: But I'm tired Andy Thelan's Hat
Andy-Thelans-Hat: Let me tell you about life Lisa, sometimes you spend it asleep and sometimes you spend it awake. You have slept and now you must do the awake thing. Come on, I will buy you a Cappuccino from Starbucks.
Me: Where do you keep all your money? You don't have any pockets.
Andy-Thelans-Hat: I keep it all in that magical place where unicorns frolic and Lindsay Lohan has never heard of drugs.

Andy-Thelans-Hat: You look nice today Lisa
Me: Really? Thanks Andy Thelan's Hat. You always look nice.

Me: Hey Andy Thelan's Hat, now that we're 7 episodes into 4400 what do you think of it?
Andy-Thelans-Hat: I like it, it is showing a fantasy world based around unique special powers on a highly Science Fictional level which both excites and intrigues me into wanting to see more. How about you?
Me: I think it's good but I'm still freaked out by the little blonde girl.
Andy-Thelans-Hat: I don't think she's supposed to freak you out.
Me: I know, but she was in an episode of Supernatural where she played a creepy little girl and I can't get my mind off it. I think she just needs some eye make up.
Andy-Thelans-Hat: Lisa! 8 year olds do not need to wear eye make up!
Me: But it would make her less creepy!
Andy-Thelans-Hat: Lisa. If I ever see you campaigning to put eye make up on an 8 year old then I will no longer be your friend.
Me: (grumbles) She's probably wearing make up anyway. She's on TV.
Andy-Thelans-Hat: That is not the same thing and you know it.

By Thursday I began to believe that it was possible Andy had decided he didn't want his hat back, he hadn't responded once to any of my conversations with Andy-Thelans-Hat so I decided this needed addressing, to see if I could bring out some form of emotion from him.

Andy-Thelans-Hat: What are you doing young one?
Me: I'm looking at Andy Thelan's Facebook profile.
Andy-Thelans-Hat: Why?
Me: I don't think he's noticed that you have gone travelling, either that or he doesn't care.
Andy-Thelans-Hat: The mind of Andy Thelan is a complex one. He could have many a reason for not retrieving me.
Me: Like what Andy-Thelans-Hat?
Andy-Thelans-Hat: Perhaps he sees that your need for my company is greater than his at this present time.
Me: Why would he think that?
Andy-Thelans-Hat: I am sure you must have heard before that subtlety is not your strongest talent.
Me: Does that mean you get to stay?
Andy-Thelans-Hat: I will stay for as long as I am needed to.
Me: I don't think I could ever not need you.
Andy-Thelans-Hat: We shall see young one, we shall see

Me: Sigh
Andy-Thelans-Hat: What's wrong child?
Me: Oh nothing.
Andy-Thelans-Hat: Is it because you are receiving a large amount of concerned comments about all of these conversations you are having with an item of clothing?
Me: No, it's not that.
Andy-Thelans-Hat: Is it because people are starting to change their opinion of you and have voiced their concerns that you may have crossed a line into insanity this time?
Me: No.
Andy-Thelans-Hat: ... Really? You're not bothered by that at all?
Me: I'm just concerned about what Andy Thelan's next move will be. I mean he really likes you. He's not going to let me keep you. What if I wake up one morning to find he's broken into my flat and stolen you in the middle of the night.
Andy-Thelans-Hat: You're not even bothered by the frightened look Work-Buddy-James gave you yesterday when you discussed our conversations?
Me: I've become so attached to you now I don't think my emotions could take it. Besides there are so many places I promised you I would show you... We still haven't been to the Tesco Express down the road.
Andy-Thelans-Hat: Lisa, people are beginning to find it awkward to talk to you. They fear they can't connect to you anymore.
Me: There's also the wine shop next door. I was one of their first customers, they'd make you feel welcome.
Andy-Thelans-Hat: They actually worry you may have crossed over to insanity.
Me: Can you at least promise me that if he does come to steal you in the night, you will shout out as loud as you can to wake me up?
Andy-Thelans-Hat: I promise to shout as loud as a hat can.
Me: Thanks Andy-Thelans-Hat

Throughout the week, odd people commented, friends at work avoided me, phone calls were made to me where people inquired how that hat was as well as how I was. It was all good, however there were the odd few that were starting to feel annoyed with the deep conversations I was having with my beautiful new hat. Apparently this next photo was the last straw for a certain someone.

Me: I'm running out of eyeliner Andy Thelan's Hat.
Andy-Thelans-Hat: Sometimes the world can be a really hard place.
Me: Tell me about it.

Claire-The-Bully responded in the only bullyish way she knows how.

Comment: You are fast becoming on my 'block from homepage' list!!! ;)

Naturally this concerned me as, despite being a bully, she was also a friend and like to be able to inform her of things facebook wise, which resulted in this:

Me: Andy Thelans Hat, I'm worried our friendship is upsetting one of the bullies. And she's a bully, she has the power to bully me.
Andy-Thelans-Hat: Why would she bully you young one?
Me: I believe I sometimes annoy her. I don't mean to. I love her lots but I fear even this conversation will cause her to block me.
Andy-Thelans-Hat: How are you planning to fix this.
Me: I plan on telling her she's pretty.
Andy-Thelans-Hat: Good luck.
Me: Thanks.

By Friday, I was feeling pretty confident that it was quite clear Andy did not want his hat back. Unfortunately Andy-Thelans-Hat had also picked up on this realisation and needed consoling.

Andy-Thelans-Hat: Lisa, I would like to share my despair with you.
Me: What's wrong Andy Thelan's Hat?
Andy-Thelans-Hat: I fear Andy Thelan has grown tired of me and has decided he no longer wants me.
Me: Oh Andy Thelan's Hat! I'm so sorry to hear that!
Andy-Thelans-Hat: I do not completely believe you my child. People do not normally dance a jig when they are sharing their sympathies.
Me: ... It's my "I feel sorry for you" dance.
Andy-Thelans-Hat: It's very impressive, I was not aware you knew how to do the splits.
Me: I've been practising... I hope you're not too upset though, you enjoy being with me don't you?
Andy-Thelans-Hat: Well, you do give me a lot to talk about.
Me: Literally.
Andy-Thelans-Hat: Yes, I think I shall be happy here. Now... Where to next?
Me: I have a meeting to go to, so you get to sit in my bag for a couple of hours.
Andy-Thelans-Hat: Very well.

And quite simply, that was how I came to own Andy-Thelans-Hat. It was a beautiful day and we were very happy together.

Unfortunately, this story does not have a happy ending. I'm about to tell you what happened to me at half six last night as I was walking out of the train station but there is a chance that you may not believe me. However, it did happen... ask One-And-Only-Daniela, she was there with me.

I was walking as per normal in the cold night air with Andy-Thelans-Hat firmly on my head and keeping my ears warm, when out of nowhere a guy ran up dressed as a ninja and stole the hat from my head, running off like a lunatic whilst I shouted out in despair after him.

This morning Andy Thelan posted this on Facebook.

Hat just got hand delivered by a ninja. He didn't say much.

Touche Andy Thelan, Touche.

Peace out my lovelies.

Tuesday, 13 March 2012

So... I'm not dead, just to let you know. I know you've probably been worrying yourselves silly about it all weekend. 

You'll all be pleased to know that after my last post I am safe and So-Awesome-I-Can't-Stand-It-Andy came to pick me up. I was in bed by 3am! Huzzah! However I did spend the whole of Sunday in his debt. He had formulated a list and included in it was the following:

1. I woke him up in the form of a rooster on Sunday morning. I didn't turn up at his house but I did ring him up and gave my best impression which seemed to do the trick. It also left Housemate-Anna a little confused as to the noise coming from my room that early. Fair play to her though. She must have become so used to me as she didn't question the noise, she just accepted that there must be some legitimate reason for why I was cawing like a rooster and shouting "time to get up, caw caw, time to get up."

2. I bought him the biggest steak on the menu when we went out for lunch. 

3. I ate a whole sachet of mayonnaise on its own.

I got off lightly I feel. It could have been worse. 

My father did text me the next morning after reading my blog with the following:

"Just read your blog. I trust you got home OK?  Mum is away so will be unaware of your adventure. I'd rather tell her once I know your safe. Love Dad"

I considered answering with some form of remark such as "Andy couldn't make it, I am home now but the walk took me 12 hours. Fair play to Google Maps App, it'll lead you home from anywhere."

However, I remembered how worried my parents tend to be about me at the best of times and so figured it was probably a good idea to make him feel better instead. 

Marmie rang later in the evening demanding to know why I insisted on leaving the house after sunset. I did try and argue my case but I have to hand it to her, Night time doesn't tend to agree with me given this past month...

Having said that it was an awesome night. Even though I went to the gig of a band I had never heard of and my ears had permanent white noise playing for the entire next day. Still, I'm being a hip youngster in her 20s... I'm down with that Yo. (You guys don't know it but I just made that uber cool gesture that kind of looks like you're crossing your arms but in a total hip and groovy way, yeah I still got it.)

I've also dabbled in theft this weekend but that's a whole post for another time. 

Peace out my lovelies. 

Sunday, 11 March 2012

The Plum's been silly tonight.

Hello everyone. I'm currently stuck in a place called "Stevenage." I have no clue where this place is but I'm sitting on a curb next to a station where the next train that leaves is at 5:20 this morning... It is currently 1:34am. Yes that means I am stuck without a way to get home.

This is all happening because I got on the wrong train. I thought it was the right train and in all fairness it went to my station just like I thought it would. However it didn't stop at this station, nope. It stopped here and I am now stuck. This is pretty sucky.

To my parents, who are probably reading this and thinking... Why did we let her live in London? She's quite clearly going to be attacked and never seen again... Well, yes it was rather foolish of you to think that your 26 year old daughter was sensible enough to live here without getting stuck but I do have awesome friends so the So-Awesome-I-Can't-Stand-It-Andy is on his way to pick me up. Yes I am stuck here for an hour because I am so far out from home and that's how long it will take him to get here, but the important thing is he is coming! and for that reason I will be forever in his debt!

He has already come up with a list of how I will repay him, the top of the list is for me to wake him up tomorrow morning by sitting on his bedside table, dressed up as a rooster, ready to caw my very loudest and flap my arms in a manic manner in order to wake him up in time. I'm working on making this happen. I'm planning on at least ringing him with my best caw tomorrow morning... Or this morning... However you want to look at it. However he is not happy with this version of the plan. Apparently I'm already backing out of the commitment. We'll work something out I'm sure.

Anywho, the overall gist is I'm stuck in the cold England night weather with no company other than you fine people (which is actually the best company I could ask for really)and I am cold and feeling very foolish. Shame on me for trying to e responsible and get home at a decent hour! I should have just stayed out with the rest of my girls and got some form of actual bus that would actually get me home eventually.

My fingers feel like they're going to fall off due to the cold. But the good news is that no dodgy men have turned up trying to get me into their car, so, you know... Every cloud and all that.

All in all, I'm feeling very silly and very foolish.

Peace out my lovelies and wish me luck!

Monday, 5 March 2012

I warn you now... you read this and you may find yourself judging me. If so, carry on, I'm judging me too.

Housemate-Anna and I decided on Saturday that enough is enough, we were going to tackle our kitchen, clean it, disinfect it, and see if we could locate the odd smell that had begun to emanate from it.

I think this task was always on the cards for a fairly soonish date but it was put to the top of the priority list when I opened the dishwasher two nights prior and could smell mold. Unsure where it was coming from I had a good look through the dishes and bowls stacked in there and couldn't find anything at all. Ready to give up and go on with the rest of my night in a slightly perplexed manner, my eyes fell on the culprit.

Right there in front of me were a collection of the furriest looking cutlery I have ever seen. On some of the forks I could barely see the metal underneath it! Feeling my gag reflux kick in, I grabbed a dishwasher tablet, shoved it in and slammed the door shut, pressing the 'on' button with an urgency that suggested my life depended on it.

I then went and washed my hands about three times (even though they had not come into contact with the furry knives and forks) and took a long shower to make myself feel clean again... Yes, I react slightly over the top when dealing with moldy food.

Anywho, upon telling Housemate-Anna of my ordeal, we both decided it was time we uncovered any other nasty surprises that lurked amongst our stacked up plates and today we put aside any other plans we had (which meant we didn't actually have any) and armed ourselves for the monster kitchen task ahead of us.

Housemate-Anna looked pretty much equipped for the job, she donned rubber gloves, rolled up sleeves and one of those Japanese face masks that cover the mouth and nose (I wanted to take a picture but I was told that this was not a look Housemate-Anna wanted shared with everyone on the internet, I know, I don't get it either). I, however, tied my hair back and went au naturelle with the hands, almost as if a daring the inevitable muck waiting for us to 'try their best.'

In an effort to be highly green and in love with the planet, Housemate-Anna and I had been leaving all empty jars and bottles to one side in the sink with a view to clean them ready for the recycling bin. This is all well and good, however when it gets to about two weeks in and we still haven't done anything about the messy containers, the good will behind it tends to start to ebb away.

What we were left with is forgotten containers underneath pots and pans we hadn't quite got around putting in the dishwasher yet.

So, you can imagine the feeling of dread I felt when Housemate-Anna lifted one of the pans and immediately recoiled, covering her already covered nose with her hand and instructing me to get the keys for the kitchen back door.

I did as I was told.

Housemate-Anna geared herself up again and once more lifted the pan from the kitchen sink. This time, as I was now standing by the door, I was close enough to smell the mess underneath myself. Instantly I felt another gag escape my throat and I turned my face desperately to the open window, gasping sentences like "How is it possible we let it get this bad?" and "It smells like death... surrounded by eggs... that went bad last year."

Housemate-Anna threw the pan back on top of the containers again and started dancing in agitation on the spot.

"Get a bin bag! I can't look at it for much longer!" Housemate-Anna cried out.

"Hold on." I responded, and ran out the kitchen. I grabbed a scarf and wrapped it twice around my mouth and nose. I returned and ripped a bin bag off the roll. I tried to open the bag, but it just would come apart.

"Hurry up Lisa! The smell's seeping out into the rest of the kitchen."

I let out another gag and weeped "I know!"

Finally I managed to open the bag and held it our in front of Housemate-Anna.

"Okay, I'm ready." I said.

Housemate-Anna looked at me with a face I could only describe as pure fear and dread.

"We have to do this Anna. It will only get worse if we leave it."

Taking a deep breath, Housemate-Anna nodded and took a step forward, took the pan away from the sink and, faster than I had ever seen her do anything... ever, she lifted disgusting container after disgusting container out of the sink and into the bin bag.

"Oh it's horrible." I murmured in between gags.

"I don't think I'm going to make it," Housemate-Anna cried.

"We can do this Anna, we can."

Housemate-Anna threw the last of the containers into the bin and screamed at me to shut the bin bag as soon as I can. I complied and ran out of the kitchen in my pyjamas and trainers, my scarf wrapped firmly around my face and my hand outstretched in front of me, heading in the direction of our block of flats' skips.

I reached the skip, threw open the lid, chucked the bag inside and closed it firmly behind me, leaning against it to catch my breath. As I turned to leave the skip area, I found an elderly bemused looking man staring at me quizzically.

"Hello," the man said to me, British politeness invading the awkward situation.

I looked at him for a moment as colour flooded my cheeks before I remembered I should probably respond.


"Lovely weather we're having don't you think?"

"Uhuh..." I managed, hoping he could hear me through my scarf. "Here's hoping it stays this way."

"Oh we can only hope."

I nodded and murmured my goodbye as I attempted to try and walk, with what was left of my dignity, back to my flat.

Needless to say that we then spent about two hours soaking every cm of our kitchen in pure concentrated bleach and you'll be pleased to know that it is well and truly clean now.

Also, there is no way we will EVER let it get that bad again. You should see how quickly we have been cleaning after ourselves in that kitchen since.

As the title suggests, if you are now disgusted in me, join the club. That had to be foulest think I have ever had to do.

Peace out my lovelies.

Friday, 2 March 2012

Just call me Mrs Hitch (in the sense that I can hook you up, not that I'm married to Will Smith... alas)

Last Weekend I went out for a day/night in Central London with the girls, One-And-Only-Daniela and A-Very-Essex-Billie (she's new).

This involved going to Leceister Square and having a late lunch in TGI Friday's with cocktails. It was very "Sex and the City" ... for them ... as for me, I found myself sitting opposite them, while they talked about guys and the stuff they do, with my mouth open and in complete marvel that they seemed privy to a world I had never really heard of.

Anywho, we drank cocktails that appeared to be served in individual fishbowls, which of course I appreciated.

We had a first round

And then a second

It was all highly classy and sophisticated. Even though we were in TGI's instead of some swanky 5 star restaurant and I then went and spilt ketchup down my white top within five seconds of receiving my meal. I figured I could style it out for the rest of the day/night... it was meant to be there, it was a fashion choice.

Once we had eaten enough food we went to check out the awesome world of M&M... the sweets, not the rapper. We have this fairly new shop in London called M&M world and it is possible that I have never seen so much chocolate in one place in my life.

While we were looking at the complete over franchise that is M&Ms, one of my favourite tunes came on the speakers... want to see me dance? No? Well tough, because here it is.

The other fancy lady is A-Very-Essex-Billie and the laughter you can hear is from the One-And-Only-Daniela.

That aside, we disappeared off to Covent Garden (if all these names of places means absolutely nothing to you, all you need to know is that these are all London places). We found a small underground pub (meaning it was under ground, not that it was some shady illegal place... I think). It had possibly the most disgusting toilets I had ever seen but by this point, One-And-Only-Daniela and A-Very-Essex-Billie really weren't that fussed as it also sold alcohol and we were feeling... buzzed.

As the evening wore on a group of men came and stood close to our table. A man broke away and came to talk to A-Very-Essex-Billie, introducing himself as a Polish man... he did say a name but, I'm not going to lie, I have no idea what name this was. As such we shall call him Mark because... well, why not?

He was easily in his late 30s and little A-Very-Essex-Billie is in the very early stages of her 20s. She humoured him for a while, told him her name was America because that was where she was conceived and told him she was probably too young for him. He went back to his mates who were shouting comments like "Better luck next time" and "You never really had a chance mate" etc and so forth.

A-Very-Essex-Billie and One-And-Only-Daniela decided that this was the point they needed to go to the toilet for what felt like the fifteenth time... and probably was. Once they left and I was left on my own, minding my own business, I discovered inadvertantly the secret to attracting every man in your vacinity to you. This is the tip that I would now like to share with you lovely people in the hope that, by using this, you might all end up hitched and making babies by the end of the year.

I have found a new obsession on my phone since I completed everything there was to complete on the Harry Potter lego game. This is a completely free app game called 'Temple Run,' perhaps you have heard of it?

Anywho, I decided that as I had nothing better to do, I would play Temple Run on my phone until my friends returned. I began a game and became (as is per usual when I am playing it) completely engrossed in it. It wasn't until I heard a series of mumbled comments very close to where I was sitting, that I noticed I had an audience. Every one of the guys who had been standing near us were now huddled close to me and watching me play this game. The following conversation took place:

Me: Oh! Hello.
Mark: You're good at that game
Me: Yeah well, I've played it a lot recently.
Friend 1: Is that Temple Run?
Me: Yep.
Friend 1: I play that.
Me: Okay...
Friend 1: I'm really good at it
Me: Yeah, it is pretty addictive
Friend 1: What's your top score?
Me: Oh I'm not that good, I'm only just starting. I think it's 1,355,920.
Friend 1: (Looks at me silently without saying anything for about 20 seconds) You have a higher score than me.
Me: Really? Huh. That's cool.

Friend 1 disappears to talk to another friend who was still sitting at the bar

Mark: You've combined my two favourite things in the world.
Me: Really? What's that?
Mark: Video games and women.
Me: (grimaces) That's... nice.

Friend 1 comes back with the man at the bar, we shall call him Friend 2

Friend 1: Tell him what you told me.
Me: My score is 1,355,920?
Friend 2: No way. You're lying. Show me it on your phone
Me: Sure. (Shows the score on my phone)
Friend 2: I've got better than that!
Friend 1: No you haven't, look at your phone.

Friend 2 looks at his score

Friend 2: Oh... Well I only got the game last week and I've barely played it, I don't have time to play it all day like some people.
Me: I work full time and I only got the game two days ago.
Friend 3: Stop interrupting her! (Turns to me) Play the game again.
Me: Okay... (I go back to playing the game, this time I am very conscious of the six men surrounding me and leaning forward to get a better look) Quit staring at me! This is too much pressure!
Friend 1: Sorry!

(They all take a step back but I can still feel their eyes on me)

Me: (I turn off the game) Okay, well this is just getting ridiculous.

So there you have it ladies, you may think that by dressing provocatively and making sexy movements attracts all the boys to the yard, but no, all you need to do is find a shady corner and start playing video games, they will all come flocking to you.

Of course I recommend that you don't react in the way that I did, I was alas, far more interested in beating my score than actually noticing I had the attention of several men but if you want to have that attention then go forth my lovelies and get high scores on free app games.

Just in case any of you were interested, my high score is now 3,935,188 and I am beginning to grow tired of the game. If anyone knows of a new app game obsession I could take on, I'd really appreciate it!

Peace out my lovelies.