Friday, 26 August 2011

My house has been invaded by a monster that wants to eat me... Slowly and in a way that will involve pain.

I found a spider the size of my fist in my bedroom this morning. I'm not usually afraid of spiders but this one scared the crap out of me. So much so that I was an hour late leaving my house because it took me forty minutes to psych myself up to leave the room. 

There was even one moment where I yelped and jumped up onto the bed. If I had worn a skirt and bloomers you may have caught me lifting the skirt and screeching "eeek!" I might as well have for the rest of the stereo type I was shamefully portraying.  

I can show you a picture of the spider but I would like to clarify now, this photo does NOT do it justice. She was bigger than this, I promise. 

Eventually I had to result to grabbing my make up and sprinting out of the room when I was sure her head was turned. I assure you she had a head. She had eyes and a mouth and I swear at one point she licked her lips and gave me a look tat said, "I've been nibbling on your brain while you sleep."

When I eventually left the house I realised the predicament I had left my little home in. You see, as I left I thought to myself "If I leave it alone it will escape by the time I get back." Unfortunately there was a severe lack of a way out of my house for the spider beast as I had shut all windows and doors on my exit. 

This of course means that not only is that spider still in there but I will not have a clue where she is hiding and planning her new attack. Also I'm a clutter person so she's got loads of places to hide in. 

What's more, she won't have anything to do all day as she can't escape so I bet she just creates babies instead and introduces them to my flat as the new family home. 

Then of course when I get back there will be giant webs everywhere, big enough to fit a human, like something out of Lord of the Rings and they'll trap me and nibble on my brains when I'm awake instead of waiting for me to fall asleep. And they'll get away with it because there will be so many of them. 

There is no other option then, I will just have to never go back in there and live in the back garden under a box... You know until the baby spiders are big enough and want somewhere to play outside. When that happens I'll just move to the bus stop instead, at least I'll never have to wait for a bus because they will come straight to my house. Silver lining and all. 

Also the spider family would probably be able more comfortably afford my flat as she'll have child support to rely on. *Sighs* And the government fails me again. 

There is a glimmer of hope in this story though, a last chance of gaining control of my flat once more. 

I sent the above picture to Rachael-The-Bully half way through the day with a text roughly saying "Help me!" 

She has promised to come round and capture the spider for me! I knew she was useful for something! She loves herself a good spider. So providing I can find the spider's secret lair and where she has stashed her children then Rachael-The-Bully will use her tough act on them! 

Wish us luck!

Peace out my lovelies. 

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