Sunday, 20 March 2011

Originally posted: 10/03/11 I think I have acidic armpits

I bought this amazing cream jumper from Jane Norman in November, it's beautiful and warm and yummy. I wore it a total of three times and I was as happy as a clam. After I moved, I wore it for a fourth time and suddenly my world was turned upside down as I went to yawn and discovered this.

A hole!!

I was sad. In fact I was near on depressed. I mean this jumper had been my interview jumper for the job I now work in. It had lived such a short life but it had already served me so well.

It was when I wore the darker jumper I had also bought from Jane Norman a mere week later that I started to really fret because, even without sleeves it had somehow been ripped and had suffered the same fate.

Although this saddened me deeply, I placed it with my other jumper and assumed it was a Jane Norman thing. One day, when I was truly grown up, I would be able to go back to those jumpers and sew them back up. But until then, I would have to settle for a simple memorial service most weekends where I would take them out of the drawer, hold them up in front of me, and sigh.

This week, I went from being accepting of what had happened to being downright outraged. I pulled out one of my favourite (non Jane Norman) jumpers, put it on, went to work, yawned and saw this!!

It's an epidemic!! My clothes are disintegrating and all in one place, under my armpits! It can only mean one thing. My armpits must be secreting some acid like substance which is leaking into my clothes and causing holes to appear. It's the only explanation that I can think of and I'm sure you'd agree.

This would be all well and good but as I mentioned before I am not far enough into my independent woman experience to know how to sew up holes and breakages in clothes. I don't even own a sewing kit... I have a cross stitch that I'm working on but if I use those threads then I'll never finish Tutankhamun's head.

But if my acidic armpits continue to strike then I will soon have no clothes left and that simply won't do. So I am asking people, if you happen to have either one of the following you will be helping a rather confused woman out.

A: A sewing kit that you are happy to give away (for free, I could pay you in hugs perhaps?)

B: A cure for the acidic armpit. Be it in tablet form, injection form or liquid form, I'm not fussy in fact I'm desperate.


C: A fashion line you are able to make instantly famous which includes holes in the armpits of garments as its main feature.

Of course the other alternative is that I simply never get tired again and so never have the need to yawn and expose my gaping armpit holes. I'll probably just go with that option, I'm already partially addicted to caffeine anyway, might as well go the whole hog.

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