Sunday, 20 March 2011

Originally posted: 03/03/11 I'm a super hero and I never even knew it

For those of you who are friends with me on Facebook you may have noticed a certain status update recently announcing my new and exciting power. I shall now explain the accounts of how I discovered this amazing super power and allow you all to soak in my marvellousness.

The day of discovery
It was a Tuesday, I had just had an incredibly intense day at work. It had been good, but exhausting. I had taken off the 7 inch stiletto's I use at work to give people the illusion that I'm the same height as some of the 'small to average' people that walk around me and had slipped into my 'very old but very comfortable' trainers for the hour and a half journey home.

The first stretch of my journey home is a ten minute walk to get to the bus stop. This I tend to do in a sleepy haze with very little attention made on where I am going. On this particular Tuesday however my sleepy haze lasted only five minutes into the walk as everything changed after that.

Near the bottom of the road I walk down there is a speed limit sign. It's one of those flashing ones that tells the driver as they go by to slow down if they are going too fast. This one is set at 20 miles per hour.

So I'm walking, head down, earphones in and singing 'Papa, can you hear me' Glee version in my head whilst imagining myself on stage with a candle singing it to millions of people. (This is something that would terrify me if it ever happened but in my head, where it's safe, it's pretty cool) Suddenly a flash of yellow and red catches my attention and I look up to see what all the commotion is about. There, about twenty feet away from me is the speed limit sign, announcing that something is going over 20 miles per hour and needs to slow down. It seems a little weird to me so I look in both directions on the road to try and find the speeding vehicle only to discover that the whole street is deserted. This could only mean one thing... That speed sign was for me.

I had a super power. And it's fast.

The reason why you have to believe me, even though it sounds as if there could be another perfectly rational explanation.
Now for all you skeptics out there who are reading this and thinking... oh sweetie, your deluding yourself, the sign was clearly broken. I thought so too at first!! I understand how you could have jumped to that conclusion, it makes a lot of sense. But then a thought came to me, one that I couldn't shake, one that made me realise that having a super power could be the only feasible explanation.

I don't run. I don't even brisk walk. I'm lazy and I'm constantly daydreaming so when I do walk, it will always be at a very leisurely pace. The sign is located outside a hospital in a well built up area. There was no way that Boris Johnson, our wonderful mayor, would even dream of letting a sign stay in operation that is so clearly broken it would pick up me walking. I mean I have a lot more faith in Boris than that. I believe that he's not just a reason for me to have a little giggle at his expense during the local news. I believe that he's not just there to say things that are wildly inappropriate and then spend the next week apologising for them. I believe that he cares. I believe that he would not stand for letting a sign so grossly close to causing an accident stay unfixed. And I know you all do too. I mean after all, it's why we voted for him right? (Vote Boris: I'm not political but I love his face and floppy hair)

So the only other explanation there is is that I was in fact speeding faster than 20 miles per hour. Woah... amazing.

Now how fast I was going I'm not sure. You see I didn't even realise I was doing it at the time so my mind must be just as fast as my legs to take in everything around me at just the same speed as a dawdle. I'm guessing though that it's not that much faster than 20 miles per hour due to the fact that not much time is shaved off my journey. I would predict at this stage that I'm probably averaging at 21-22 mph.

Okay, okay. I know it doesn't seem that impressive next to Clark Kent or that little boy from 'The Incredibles' but I bet I could win a few gold medals at the Olympics with it... (FYI: No need to worry, I would never do that, I appreciate that due to my super abilities I would be at an unfair advantage and it wouldn't be fair for the other runners)

Obviously I haven't got it all worked out yet. I mean, no one else seems to notice that I'm going fast at all which I don't understand. My current theory that I'm working on is that with my semi-super speed I can also alter peoples minds so that it appears as if I am just walking. (I think it's very clever of my subconscious for doing that as a way of protecting my identity. Hoorah to you subconscious.) It would explain why I've never been aware of my super ability until now, my secret identity is so secret not even I knew who it was. Interesting.

I think I've proved my case.

I'm gonna go by the supername of 'Almost-quite-fast-girl-woman.' I think it has a ring to it.

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