Friday, 21 October 2011

Your guide to surviving the inevitable apocalypse.

Line-Manager-Monica and I have ever so slightly OD'ed on coffee today. Come 3pm onwards we have both been twitchy and overactive. 

Work has actually benefited from this as I have been working at double the speed I usually do, however I am now trying very hard to slow my heartbeat back down before I go into cardiac arrest. 

On the plus side, the apocalypse failed to happen today. So congrats people! We get to live another day! 

To those who weren't even aware that the apocalypse was due to happen this morning:

A: Where have you been this week in terms of the internet?

B: You really should learn to be a little more informed and prepared, I mean it is the end of the world we are talking about. 

So with that in mind I feel it is my duty to inform you the next set date for the apocalypse to hit the earth is apparently 11th November 2011. 

For those of you who are rolling your eyes right now and muttering "another date? When will the religious extremists get a clue and realise that there is no point in guessing when this day will happen because they only look stupid when it turns out to be another typically boring day?" I say in reply... Judging by the previous experiences of these guesses you are almost certainly right but just ask yourself the question... What if this time you're wrong?

This is how I choose to look at each apocalypse prediction. Chances are we will likely live to a ripe old age or die prematurely from some accident/disease of some kind, but when someone suggests otherwise and gives me a date to aim for I can't help but begin to prepare. 

So how does one prepare for an Apocalypse? 

Well first off it's probably best to work out which side of the fence you will likely end up on when the day comes, be it firey or fluffy. 

If firey might I suggest investing in some sunglasses, heat resistant jump suits and one of those hand held electric fans that also squirts water... Also a lot of batteries to continue to operate said fan. 

It might be advisable to grab yourself some E45 cream and aloe Vera as well as a first aid kit with a lot of bandages and general dressings in the event that you do come into contact with the never-ending flames that threaten to engulf you for eternity. 

I'm not too sure what the currency will be down there to buy yourself favours should you need it but I would advise against taking things like matches, lighters, hay, aerosol sprays... Basically anything that produces fire or is highly flammable will turn out to be pretty redundant when you arrive. You might have more luck with portable coolers, air conditioning units, a map showing the way out of hell... You know, useful things like that. 

It could also be useful to associate yourself with other people you are certain will be going to hell as well... I won't make suggestions here as they are all far too predictable but all I will say is that you all know at least 9 or 10 people in your area who you need to start being chummy with. Go forth and make frenemies. I obviously don't need to tell you that the more evil the better as they will probably have more standing in the afterlife and therefore give you the social class you need to stop yourself from being as horribly mutated as some of the lower "unprepared" people. 

The rest, such as food and sleep and bathing and whatnot I'm afraid is a little unclear to me as to whether they will be important or not once you are dead. But just in case, bring lots of marshmallows, a frying pan, a large knife to cut up all the evil animals who have been transported there, some flame resistant sleeping bags, and a lot of ice to cool down the almost certainly boiling water that will be awaiting in your bath. 

Providing you have all of this available to you then I shouldn't foresee any problems with your future eternity. Good luck and remember the boy scout way ... "Be Prepared!"

If you know you are going to heaven then... I can't imagine that there is much you should need to do, just practice your curtseys and bows, buy some decent pastel coloured clothes and work on decent conversations to have with the likes of angels and Jesus. Actually, probably best to spend a lot of time on that, last thing you want to do is appear boring and have them change their mind. 

Might I suggest working on some cloud and heaven related jokes. Oldest-Friend-Cafrin came up with an awesome one when we were 14... I'm surprised she didn't become a comedian with this wit. 

Why do clouds float?

Because they don't have legs. 

I know. Now that's being prepared... However you should all come up with your own ideas as well, as the angels might start to get bored with that one after the 1001st time of hearing it. 

It also might be advisable to learn to play the harp. Also, if you are afraid of heights, I would go and see an therapist now because that shizzle might ruin your whole experience. 

For everyone who wants to get an idea of what heaven and hell might be like, there are plenty of visual aids to choose from. A few suggestions are:

1. What dreams may come (movie)
2. The lovely bones (movie)
3. Supernatural (series: particularly season 4 onwards)
4: Bill and Ted's bogus Journey

There is also some reading literature that might help such as:

1. The lovely bones (better reference than the film)
2. The bible
3. Any other religious reference book (especially those with the words heaven or hell in the title).

All in all there is plenty that you should be doing to prepare yourself and less than a month in which to do it in. 

If you're still acting all pessimistic about the whole ordeal then don't start grumbling the moment you find yourself consumed with fire and without aloe Vera or face to face with an angel and without a thing to say...

Peace out my lovelies and have an awesome weekend. 

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