Friday, 13 May 2011

There's a huge reason why I haven't become a prostitute - I can't sell myself at all... that and the self dignity thing I guess

For those of you who don't know I have written a book! Yes, that's right, it's a whole book with pages that have words on and everything.

I started writing this book 3 years ago and finished it last summer. It's pretty much my life and has everything I love and everything that makes me, me in it.

It's basically me in a book without it actually having to do with A. Me, B. Anything I've ever encountered or C. Ever will do.

Intrigued? Ha ha! Well then maybe you should buy it! It's called Serenity and my name isn't Joss Whedon, so don't get confused...


What's that I hear? You can't find it?

Yeah, that would be because it isn't published yet. Alas, it just sits on my hard drive and iphone and looks up at me with expectant eyes as if to say "Right, you've created me, now what are you going to do with me?"

I want to say "I'll give you a front cover and put you in the windows of bookshops worldwide" but here's a little fun fact: The book industry, it turns out, is a tough little cookie to crack.

All the writer's handbooks, magazines and websites will tell you there is a certain process you have to go through in order to input your 'manuscript' (which is a fancy word for book).

You need to hand in two things usually with your book.

1. A synopsis
Basically your whole book's plot all jammed into one A4 page (I suck at this by the way).

2. A cover letter
An A4 page declaring all your amazing achievements as a writer and how you came to write your amazing manuscript (I'm not too bad at this, I just don't have that many achievements to speak of).

One thing 'The Writer's Handbook' is particularly good at, is telling you exactly how to present both these things (I have multiple highlighted areas and several notes in the margins, thank you 'Writer's Handbook').

It also tells you how not to do it. Warning you against seeming unprofessional and definitely tells you to steer clear of begging.

I fully trust 'The Writer's Handbook' and I would never say a word against it but on the off chance that there are publishers or agents reading this, if in the future you ever receive a letter from me, behind the carefully placed, grammatically correct words, this is what I would prefer to be saying.

Dear Publishers and Agents of the book variety,

I've written a book! I printed the whole thing out the other day and it's well thick!

So here's what happened. Three years ago I moved to a little place in Essex, became a hermit and did nothing but research and write about a kick ass topic that I fell in love with.

Unfortunately, due to the black market 'story-plot' burglars that roam the dark alleys of the internet, I can't disclose what my little vulnerable book is about but I can tell you this! There is an absolute certainty that this might possibly be the best thing you've ever read... maybe.

And if I haven't sold it to you, then do it for Sam. Sam is this skinny layabout, 20 year kid with blond scruffy hair and an affection for long naps. He's also the main character in my book.

Sam, you see, kind of likes that there is a book about him (though he would never admit it). Unfortunately at the moment he only exists in my head and the heads of about 18 others. I think he's getting lonely.

Not to mention he's getting on my nerves a bit because he doesn't do any housework and just leaves my brain in a complete tip. Yesterday a found a month old half eaten sandwich up there. It was disgusting.

Now that I've lowered your expectations of what my imagination is like, I can assure you the book is a lot better than that.

Here are some peoples testimonials after they finished it.

"It was good." Daniel Harries

"That bit where he touched her back was hot." Daniela Graham

"I hope you have started the next one." Jo Tucker

"Hey! It's Kelly, I'm hooked on your book." Kelly Holdstock

"I've finished it. It was alright." Rachael-The-Bully

(You may not be acquainted with Rachael-The-Bully but that's high praise indeed.)

(Also there were better comments than the above ones but my crippling awkwardness when people compliment me prevented me from putting them up)

If that hasn't made you want to throw all your money at me, then I don't know what will.


Also there might be a chance I need help in marketing.

Email me a check if you fancy it!




  1. Is the third time 'the charm'? I certainly hope so because I've now tried to comment TWICE here and both times Blogspot simply twitched slightly and gave up on me. Let's see!

    I've been quite the selfish lurker of late - reading regularly, but writing for no one, not even myself. But I had to comment here, Plum. I just had to.

    First: bravo on writing a book! I mean it. It's a real accomplishment that puts you into a club that's open to only a select few humans from the time we learned to throw berries at cave walls to make deer-like splotches. I'm lucky(?) enough to have a few friends who are writers. Some are published, some are not. But I marvel that they - like you - can throw words onto a page and make them stick there.

    Second: bravo on letting others read your manuscript! That's a hard thing to do - letting your feelings Out There to run amok. On those rare occasions when I've been asked to read a friend's manuscript, I feel the weight of it all amd wonder if I could ever do the same.

    As for getting the thing published, I wish I had those secrets for you. But all I have are my best wishes and a few thoughts:

    - Self-publish. Have some copies made and then prostrate yourself at local shops, hoping for a bit of consignment-grade shelf space.

    - eBook. Digitize your tome and offer it up as a very cheap download online (e.g. via Amazon). This has proven lucrative for some folks.

    My final thought on the matter is to visit my friend David's blog at He's British (in London), is a published author, is a massive Who fan, and seems to have a supernatural connection to Essex (like you). Perhaps somewhere in his ramblings you can find something useful.

    Good luck!

  2. Wow, that's a lot of advice!! Thanks Crazylegs. I'm little nervous about the whole self publishing/downloading thing as I don't know enough about copyright etc. but I shall have to look into it!

    The book is my baby and hopefully one day it will get to be something other people get to read.

    Getting other people to read it was really nerve racking the first time but actually in the end it was the reason I finished it as everyone was so supportive and kept on wanting to read the next chapter. Definitely the best choice I've made.

    We will have to see what happens in the future... one day, maybe. perhaps.

    In the meantime I can dream! Oh and I will definitely be checking out your friend David's blog the moment I get a chance!

  3. I wanna read it! Give me a copy - you know I'll buy the book even if I've read it as I wanna see my name in print!

    "Dedicated to Claire-the-bully/ally..."


  4. I sent it to you last week. I'll send it to you again actually coz I've been editing it to make it even sexier than before!