Monday, 9 May 2011

365 days have passed since I last saw you.

And I’ve been thinking a lot about you recently. If I hear a dirty joke, smell a fart, have something I want to say but am too embarrassed to say it. All these things draw my mind to you. It used to hurt but I don’t mind it happening so much anymore, it’s not as painful to remember you as it once was, now it just makes me smile, it’s a sad smile but a smile nonetheless.

I’ve wanted to write something for you for a long time. Something to celebrate who you were and what you were like but it never gets past the first paragraph, I guess there really are no words to do you justice but I’ll try.

I miss you girlie, I miss your smile and your dirty laugh. Sometimes, when I close my eyes I can hear it’s loud cackle reverberate around my head. To be honest, I make a point of going through that exercise at least a couple of times a week so that I don’t ever forget it. It was impossible not to hear it, no matter where a person was in the building, if you found something funny, we would all know about it. And then like a moth to a flame I would find my feet taking me to where you were so I could find out what it was this time that was making you laugh. Usually there was mischief involved, shooting foam balls out of guns at unsuspecting colleagues or sending emails from other peoples computers to heads of the departments declaring their undying love. No matter what it was though I could be guaranteed to leave the room again a good while later shaking my head in disbelief and thinking, ‘Only you would do that.'

Only you would openly talk about your lady problems and parts in excrutiating detail in front of first time suppliers, leaving them with images they will never be able to shake. Only you would break your toe slipping on dog poo and spend three weeks wobbling about on crutches. Only you would look in the mirror the day your hair fell out and scream "I'm the bride of chucky!"

Only you would sit all the rest of us girlies down and explain absolutely everything we can expect from our bodies inside and out when we have a baby, without us ever remembering asking you to.

Only you were as fearless as you were. There was literally nothing you wouldn't do if asked. There was nothing that fazed you. Ever. Those last 6 months proved that more than anything.

I remember how strong you were. I remember admiring that so much. Not just in fighting the cancer but in being so open to help and love from those around you. You brought the whole work place together because we were all united in one goal, supporting you.

You opened your arms to us and was never afraid to show your emotions. What's more, you never apologised for them. You had something to fight and you were hell bent on fighting it. Tams, you really did fight. You gave it everything you had and yes, the stupid thing won in the end but it can't be said that you didn't go down fighting.

Life is quiet without you girlie, I won't lie. And losing you hurt like a bitch. I just hope you realised how many people adored you before you went. How many people's lives are so much better because you had been in it.

You were loud. You were completely inappropriate in almost everything you did. But we loved you every day because of it. You were our sister, our daughter, our best friend and every day you can be assured that there will be someone somewhere thinking of you and smiling because, well, how could we not?

Love you Tam Tamsarina. Always.

1 comment:

  1. Beautiful Lisa. That actually made me cry! xx
    p.s. She's a stunner!!