Tuesday, 15 November 2011

Best birthday present EVER!! ... Possibly.

I now officially have a place to live in three weeks!! I'm well excited. Anna-(nickname-TBC)-Tidey and I went to look at six new flats on Saturday and the very last flat we found... It was simply perfect. Not one thing wrong with it and we both loved it equally. We put in an offer, they accepted and now, providing all the checks go through, we shall officially have it to move into by the end of the month! 

As excited as I am and as cool as this is, I can't help but be a little nervous. You see now the credit check part takes place. This bit scares me every time. Even though I know I shouldn't have any problems with it, I still walk around paranoid that for the next couple of days my money will be under complete scrutiny. 

Regardless of how these checks are normally done and how professional and discrete I'm sure the whole process is, this is how I imagine it takes place. 

It's a dark room with only a few dimly lit lamps spread around a large wooden round table. At each lamp there is a booklet in a leather binding. High back wooden chairs sit in front of each booklet. On the front of the booklet it reads 

Lisa's money and how she manages it.
Her future is in your hands.

There is no one in the room at first but suddenly the massive oak double doors are opened and people in deep purple gowns walk sanctimoniously through the doors, humming a low chant whilst walking in a circle around the table until everyone is standing behind the seat allocated to them. 

The Chair of the meeting opens his arms wide, exposing his hands and wrists to the rest of the group. His skin is stretched thin over his bones and appears translucent, showing off purple veins underneath. 

"It is time." He calls out, his voice is low and echoes around the walls, dripping with authority and importance. 

The rest of the group bow their heads slowly in agreement. They move in complete union, not one face taking their gaze off their leader. 


The Chair calls again and the scraping of chairs back is once more completely in time. Everyone sits down at once and hold the booklet up studying it's title with a deep seriousness. 

"Open to the first page." The Chair instructs. 

Everyone opens the first page. It is a picture of me smiling unsuspectingly out at them, unaware of the scrutiny I am suddenly under. 

"Her name is Lisa Harries and she wishes to move to a different flat." The Chair continues. "She feels she is ready for this move but is she really? That is what we are here to find out."

"What is her lifestyle?" A voice asks from the other side of the room. 

"She is a single woman, just turned 26. She has lived on her own for a year, prior to that she lived with her parents. She briefly had a moment of renting from a friend but that only lasted for 18 months before she ran back home."

"Her social life?"

"It would appear it is limiting. She seems to spend a lot of time talking to people she has never met on the interweb about the end of the world, vampire chickens, the rules that should be adhered to when eating friends and the British's inability to get excited about anything. Her real life friends consist of bullies, a woman who appears to be one of a kind, a really old woman with a child and a brother who draws. Aside from that she has been known to go to the cinema and work in a Mental Health hospital during the day. It would appear, in summary, that her social life is fairly minimal."

"And her love life?"

"Non existent and she seems compelled to keep it that way. It would appear that she has no control over the matter so it is of no importance."

"How does her finance lie?"

"Again, this appears to be fairly minimal. It would appear it is the reason for her moving out of her current home. This suggests an inconsistency in her commitments which should be taken into account."

"Also her visible madness." Another voice offers. "I wonder if a full assessment should be made about the extents she is likely to go. I fear the insurance in the new flat will not cover it if any faeces is spread on the walls or if she tries to convene with the people she believes to be living in the drains."

"I see your point." The Chair agrees. "And although she has not shown any signs of reaching this stage as of yet, she has been known to engage her kitchen tap in conversation and sleep with a machete under her pillow. I shall ask for a man to be assigned to her over the next month to see if he can see anything of concern."

There is a murmur of agreement around the room at this decision. 

"Should we be more concerned about her money? Should she not have more of it?" Another voice asks. 

"We are monitoring her spending. The report of this should be on page 7."

The men shuffle through the papers until they reach the correct page. There is a gasp followed by an undercurrent of murmurs throughout the group. 

"It says here she bought a double cheeseburger from McDonalds recently. This cannot be deemed as sensible spending surely?" One man says. 

"And here, look! She got cash back whilst in a pub three weeks ago. We can only hope and pray that she spent this wisely on bread and water for sustenance on her way straight back home." Another says.

"I fear not." The Chair answers. "The cash back came with use of the debit card on a pint of cider. It would appear Lisa was buying alcohol."

The ripple of murmurs becomes louder,  there is even one shout of protest. 

"Then you know what must be done sire!" A man cries out. 

The chair stands, his head bowed solemnly. "I do," he says. "There is no other choice. She is far too reckless. Application for admittance to the new flat is denied."


I swear on my life that's how it happens. 

Peace out my lovelies. 

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