Thursday, 3 November 2011

The zombies are here.

Work-Buddy-James and I went out to lunch today. The following conversation happened in the car after a pissed off Work-Buddy-James was cut up by the third car in the space of two minutes. 

WBJ: What the hell is wrong with you??
Me: I get a feeling that they're not going to answer that... I don't think they can hear you. 
WBJ: I swear the whole world has gone crazy this week. It's like everyone's caught a disease that makes them stupid. 

(A car slows down in front of us and WBJ yells out a few expletives whilst speeding up and overtaking.) 

Me: I don't like being in a car with you when you're angry. It makes me think that I'm not going to live for much longer. 
WBJ: What are you talking about? I'm a perfectly safe driver!
Me: (Holding onto the seat by my fingernails, staring straight ahead) Uhuh, I feel perfectly confident that I will get to our destination safely. 
WBJ: It's not me! It everyone else, all week people have been behaving like idiots. It's like they've caught some bug. 
Me: (Stops and turns slowly to face WBJ) James. You know what this might mean?
WBJ: The apocalypse?
Me: Exactly. 
WBJ: I thought that too. How many days do we have?
Me: Nine. Which is probably enough days to fully occupy the world if they had started it this week.
WBJ: Wait, who started what?
Me: The zombies! That's what's happening to the world right now. People are slowly turning. It makes sense, zombies really aren't that bright. 
WBJ: (Gasps) It's just like Shaun of the Dead had foretold it. What if we become the only ones left?
Me: I don't see that happening, I'm not the only one building a house on sticks and sleeping with a machete under my pillow. 
WBJ: I don't want to live in the trees. What if I need to get down for any reason? I'd prefer to be locked in a house. 
Me: It is a house. It's just up on sticks so the zombies can't get to it. I'm working on a big enough supply to last me in terms of food for a while. I certainly have enough to last until a week tomorrow when we'll all disappear anyway. 
WBJ: Oh. You've thought about this a lot more than me. 
Me: Which is why, should we get separated, you will inevitably get bitten and turned... Or eaten. 
WBJ: Nah, I'd fight them off with brute strength... Or I'll just be so lazy and clueless that I'll crash at home and not even notice that zombies were even here. 
Me: My money's on the last option. 
WBJ: (Pauses) Mine too. 

So there you have it people. We all think that we are getting mass colds and sickness but really the world is slowly turning into zombies, one cell at a time. 

It's time to make a stand. From now on, none of you must allow anyone, friend, foe, or random stranger in the street, to bite you at all. Not even a little bit. I know the sacrifice is a big one to ask, but guys, it's just not worth the risk

Keep to shaking hands, a possible kiss on the cheek, but only if the rule is the mouth must stay closed at all times. Should you find the temptation too high then don't even attempt it and use a wave as a form of greeting instead. 

Be strong guys and together we can beat this. 

Also, you need to be ready to decapitate friends, loved ones and family. That might suck but it'll be worth it in the long run down to the fact that you will be living and not wanting to eat human brains. 

If you already have a fetish for eating human brains then chances are you have already turned. If you have always had a fetish for human brains then get yourself to a lab, you might be patient zero and the possible cure to complete zombie world domination. 

Also, if you find yourself limping all of a sudden, drawling with half your face slumped, your skin turning a light shade of green, and a sudden urge to moan a lot then you also may have turned... Or you're having a stroke... I'm not too sure how to help you tell the difference between those two actually, you're just going to have to use your own judgement. 

I'm going to go and make the finishing touches to my new home and move in. Speak soon and good luck not turning into a monster before we all disappear forever!

Peace out my lovelies. 


  1. Wow. that horrible flu I had last week did feel like a zombie flu, but I thought I was imagining things!

    No need to decapitate me though, as I'm feeling much better now. And I have almost no cravings for human flesh anymore..

  2. I have to admit, I do feel slightly cheated by the lack of severity of this zombie apocalypse. I was lead to believe there would be a lot more running and shooting people in the head... So far I've hardly ever been approached by someone wanting to eat my flesh and even they were perfectly nice and understanding about it when I politely declined.