Friday, 4 November 2011

Thomas the 'Dank' engine more like... Yeah that's right, I went there.

A lot  of people seem to be talking about Thomas the Tank Engine lately. I've seen it in tweets and Facebook statuses, I've even caught it being brought up in real life conversations. 

On all of these occasions, one factor stays the same, people really seem to like the guy. This upsets me. 

Thomas the Tank Engine is not a nice train guys. He may come across as pleasant and jolly and always smiling but I assure you, that little blue engine is compensating for something... he is trying too hard. 

A lot of my issues stem from the fact that, being a frequent commuter, I don't trust there is anything remotely good about any trains. That alone would be fine. We commuters know they're bad, they act bad. Cut and dry. Simple as that. 

However, this is where Thomas pisses me right off. Because he doesn't follow suit. He pretends that he's good and helpful and friendly with all his other jolly train friends. Why? 

The only conclusion I can come to is that Thomas the Tank Engine and chums are hiding something. Something sinister. They try their very hardest to appear joyous and entertaining but late at night as they all say goodnight and the Fat Controller tucks them into their little garages...

I haven't gotten as far as to work out what it is that the trains are up to but I have my suspicions and all of them result in the same conclusion, Thomas and friends are pure evil. 

I've been working on this theory for a little over a month now. It has been over this month however that people have suddenly started to express their love internetually for Thomas. I can only conclude that this means I am on the right tracks (pun intended) and they are now working overtime to keep his name clean. 

Who's "they"? I hear you ask? Well, I don't know for sure but what I am 80% sure of is it involves a gang devoted to animal sacrifices and a bit of dabbling in cannibalism. 

I began my feud with Thomas a month ago and I will publicly go forth with this until I bring justice and personally destroy the evil they have been subconsciously feeding into our brains since childhood. 

For those of you shaking your head and reaching for the "that's just bizarre" box below, I agree this may be one of the more outrageous claims I have made but it doesn't make it any less likely to be possibly true. 

To those who agree with me, make covert contact with me and I'll tell you the password, handshake and underground location of my super secret society. 

Peace out my lovelies and have an awesome weekend. 

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