Tuesday, 1 November 2011

The upcoming apocalypse: Where you should be progressed to now.

We have now entered the month of November, otherwise known as the month when the world will end... Possibly... Kinda... I think. 

As such I thought I might show off my expertise once more in the world of surviving the apocalypse. Trust me, you'll thank me later... Possibly... Kinda... I think. 

Okay, so now that we are officially 11 days away, let me provide you with a checklist of things that should be completed by now in order for you to succeed maximum preparation. 

1. You have established a relationship and regular interaction with the people you are sure will be joining you when the rapture comes.

Hell goers: You should now have identified the perfect companion to hang around with once you are in hell. By this point you should have made initial contact, possibly by contacting the prison warden and passing a letter through to them. If you have taken this route then you should have started to gain this person's trust, slipping in photos with the letters that show the intricate tattoo you have been carving onto your body, showing a clear map of the prison grounds and suggesting that there might be a way out of where they are (there's no reason to tell them the way out is probably via hell, it'll just bum them out and they'll probably take it the wrong way anyway).

Whatever you do, make sure you offer them everything they want. The important thing here is to become their most reliable friend. It doesn't matter if you can't deliver on your promises because it won't matter in 11 days anyway and they're locked up so they'll hardly be in a rush to get what they need. 

What you want to achieve is the intent to have been an awesome friend because that's what they're going to remember when you get down there. 

Heaven goers: There really isn't much more you need to do in terms of making friends because, regardless, people are going to be loving you once you get up there anyway so you might as well just catch up on some extra sleep and finish that Sudoku puzzle book you've had sitting in your house for the past three years. 

2. You have finished writing your bucket list and are now working through the thing chronologically.

The most important thing about creating this bucket list is that you have made the goals realistic. You do only have 11 days left, so if you do have a large list, you should be at least two thirds through it by now. 

Also you need to make sure your goals won't get in the way of your preparations for your new home. For example: if you are going to heaven, it would be inadvisable to put something on your list like "drown a bunch of kittens in a large bucket" as this act might ruin your chances of getting into heaven and it is getting too late to only start preparing for hell now... I feel it is important to point out to anyone who may indeed be planning to drown kittens or something of that equivalent that you might want to recheck your guarantee into heaven. There may be a chance that you are deluding yourself... Unless you have a genuine reason, then who am I to judge?

All in all, you should probably only have enough time for about 11-12 more goals on your list, so if you have more I'd begin to prioritise. 

3. Start getting comfortable with being naked in public.

By now you should have ventured out and made at least three attempts of being publicly nude. For some reason, one of the consistent rules in reading about any rapture is that humans are allowed to go to heaven and hell but clothes are not. As such you will be naked from the 12th November onwards so you need to start preparing yourself for that. 

Another thing to consider are any embarrassing tan lines that you may have. Or whether you are tanned at all. Hell goers: this might not be as much of an issue because after one day, chances are you will have all been toasted to the same crisp colour but if you want to avoid that embarrassing first couple of moments then perhaps buy some sun bed appointments? Or even fake tan?

Really examine how you will look naked when you get to where you're going. There will be a lot of people in the same boat as you and just imagine how amazing you would feel if you were the one person that had prepared? That would be awesome. You could lord it over everyone there. 

Above all you need to ensure you are comfortable in your skin. Whichever way you go, you are going to have a lot of new things to concentrate on and the last thing you need is to be distracted by the embarrassment of being naked. 

Okay so, if you have all of this in hand then you are well and truly on your way to being prepared and well done, if not then... There is still hope, it just may be a little more hectic for you for the next week. Good luck!!

Peace out my lovelies. 

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