Friday, 2 March 2012

Just call me Mrs Hitch (in the sense that I can hook you up, not that I'm married to Will Smith... alas)

Last Weekend I went out for a day/night in Central London with the girls, One-And-Only-Daniela and A-Very-Essex-Billie (she's new).

This involved going to Leceister Square and having a late lunch in TGI Friday's with cocktails. It was very "Sex and the City" ... for them ... as for me, I found myself sitting opposite them, while they talked about guys and the stuff they do, with my mouth open and in complete marvel that they seemed privy to a world I had never really heard of.

Anywho, we drank cocktails that appeared to be served in individual fishbowls, which of course I appreciated.

We had a first round

And then a second

It was all highly classy and sophisticated. Even though we were in TGI's instead of some swanky 5 star restaurant and I then went and spilt ketchup down my white top within five seconds of receiving my meal. I figured I could style it out for the rest of the day/night... it was meant to be there, it was a fashion choice.

Once we had eaten enough food we went to check out the awesome world of M&M... the sweets, not the rapper. We have this fairly new shop in London called M&M world and it is possible that I have never seen so much chocolate in one place in my life.

While we were looking at the complete over franchise that is M&Ms, one of my favourite tunes came on the speakers... want to see me dance? No? Well tough, because here it is.

The other fancy lady is A-Very-Essex-Billie and the laughter you can hear is from the One-And-Only-Daniela.

That aside, we disappeared off to Covent Garden (if all these names of places means absolutely nothing to you, all you need to know is that these are all London places). We found a small underground pub (meaning it was under ground, not that it was some shady illegal place... I think). It had possibly the most disgusting toilets I had ever seen but by this point, One-And-Only-Daniela and A-Very-Essex-Billie really weren't that fussed as it also sold alcohol and we were feeling... buzzed.

As the evening wore on a group of men came and stood close to our table. A man broke away and came to talk to A-Very-Essex-Billie, introducing himself as a Polish man... he did say a name but, I'm not going to lie, I have no idea what name this was. As such we shall call him Mark because... well, why not?

He was easily in his late 30s and little A-Very-Essex-Billie is in the very early stages of her 20s. She humoured him for a while, told him her name was America because that was where she was conceived and told him she was probably too young for him. He went back to his mates who were shouting comments like "Better luck next time" and "You never really had a chance mate" etc and so forth.

A-Very-Essex-Billie and One-And-Only-Daniela decided that this was the point they needed to go to the toilet for what felt like the fifteenth time... and probably was. Once they left and I was left on my own, minding my own business, I discovered inadvertantly the secret to attracting every man in your vacinity to you. This is the tip that I would now like to share with you lovely people in the hope that, by using this, you might all end up hitched and making babies by the end of the year.

I have found a new obsession on my phone since I completed everything there was to complete on the Harry Potter lego game. This is a completely free app game called 'Temple Run,' perhaps you have heard of it?

Anywho, I decided that as I had nothing better to do, I would play Temple Run on my phone until my friends returned. I began a game and became (as is per usual when I am playing it) completely engrossed in it. It wasn't until I heard a series of mumbled comments very close to where I was sitting, that I noticed I had an audience. Every one of the guys who had been standing near us were now huddled close to me and watching me play this game. The following conversation took place:

Me: Oh! Hello.
Mark: You're good at that game
Me: Yeah well, I've played it a lot recently.
Friend 1: Is that Temple Run?
Me: Yep.
Friend 1: I play that.
Me: Okay...
Friend 1: I'm really good at it
Me: Yeah, it is pretty addictive
Friend 1: What's your top score?
Me: Oh I'm not that good, I'm only just starting. I think it's 1,355,920.
Friend 1: (Looks at me silently without saying anything for about 20 seconds) You have a higher score than me.
Me: Really? Huh. That's cool.

Friend 1 disappears to talk to another friend who was still sitting at the bar

Mark: You've combined my two favourite things in the world.
Me: Really? What's that?
Mark: Video games and women.
Me: (grimaces) That's... nice.

Friend 1 comes back with the man at the bar, we shall call him Friend 2

Friend 1: Tell him what you told me.
Me: My score is 1,355,920?
Friend 2: No way. You're lying. Show me it on your phone
Me: Sure. (Shows the score on my phone)
Friend 2: I've got better than that!
Friend 1: No you haven't, look at your phone.

Friend 2 looks at his score

Friend 2: Oh... Well I only got the game last week and I've barely played it, I don't have time to play it all day like some people.
Me: I work full time and I only got the game two days ago.
Friend 3: Stop interrupting her! (Turns to me) Play the game again.
Me: Okay... (I go back to playing the game, this time I am very conscious of the six men surrounding me and leaning forward to get a better look) Quit staring at me! This is too much pressure!
Friend 1: Sorry!

(They all take a step back but I can still feel their eyes on me)

Me: (I turn off the game) Okay, well this is just getting ridiculous.

So there you have it ladies, you may think that by dressing provocatively and making sexy movements attracts all the boys to the yard, but no, all you need to do is find a shady corner and start playing video games, they will all come flocking to you.

Of course I recommend that you don't react in the way that I did, I was alas, far more interested in beating my score than actually noticing I had the attention of several men but if you want to have that attention then go forth my lovelies and get high scores on free app games.

Just in case any of you were interested, my high score is now 3,935,188 and I am beginning to grow tired of the game. If anyone knows of a new app game obsession I could take on, I'd really appreciate it!

Peace out my lovelies.

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