Monday, 5 March 2012

I warn you now... you read this and you may find yourself judging me. If so, carry on, I'm judging me too.

Housemate-Anna and I decided on Saturday that enough is enough, we were going to tackle our kitchen, clean it, disinfect it, and see if we could locate the odd smell that had begun to emanate from it.

I think this task was always on the cards for a fairly soonish date but it was put to the top of the priority list when I opened the dishwasher two nights prior and could smell mold. Unsure where it was coming from I had a good look through the dishes and bowls stacked in there and couldn't find anything at all. Ready to give up and go on with the rest of my night in a slightly perplexed manner, my eyes fell on the culprit.

Right there in front of me were a collection of the furriest looking cutlery I have ever seen. On some of the forks I could barely see the metal underneath it! Feeling my gag reflux kick in, I grabbed a dishwasher tablet, shoved it in and slammed the door shut, pressing the 'on' button with an urgency that suggested my life depended on it.

I then went and washed my hands about three times (even though they had not come into contact with the furry knives and forks) and took a long shower to make myself feel clean again... Yes, I react slightly over the top when dealing with moldy food.

Anywho, upon telling Housemate-Anna of my ordeal, we both decided it was time we uncovered any other nasty surprises that lurked amongst our stacked up plates and today we put aside any other plans we had (which meant we didn't actually have any) and armed ourselves for the monster kitchen task ahead of us.

Housemate-Anna looked pretty much equipped for the job, she donned rubber gloves, rolled up sleeves and one of those Japanese face masks that cover the mouth and nose (I wanted to take a picture but I was told that this was not a look Housemate-Anna wanted shared with everyone on the internet, I know, I don't get it either). I, however, tied my hair back and went au naturelle with the hands, almost as if a daring the inevitable muck waiting for us to 'try their best.'

In an effort to be highly green and in love with the planet, Housemate-Anna and I had been leaving all empty jars and bottles to one side in the sink with a view to clean them ready for the recycling bin. This is all well and good, however when it gets to about two weeks in and we still haven't done anything about the messy containers, the good will behind it tends to start to ebb away.

What we were left with is forgotten containers underneath pots and pans we hadn't quite got around putting in the dishwasher yet.

So, you can imagine the feeling of dread I felt when Housemate-Anna lifted one of the pans and immediately recoiled, covering her already covered nose with her hand and instructing me to get the keys for the kitchen back door.

I did as I was told.

Housemate-Anna geared herself up again and once more lifted the pan from the kitchen sink. This time, as I was now standing by the door, I was close enough to smell the mess underneath myself. Instantly I felt another gag escape my throat and I turned my face desperately to the open window, gasping sentences like "How is it possible we let it get this bad?" and "It smells like death... surrounded by eggs... that went bad last year."

Housemate-Anna threw the pan back on top of the containers again and started dancing in agitation on the spot.

"Get a bin bag! I can't look at it for much longer!" Housemate-Anna cried out.

"Hold on." I responded, and ran out the kitchen. I grabbed a scarf and wrapped it twice around my mouth and nose. I returned and ripped a bin bag off the roll. I tried to open the bag, but it just would come apart.

"Hurry up Lisa! The smell's seeping out into the rest of the kitchen."

I let out another gag and weeped "I know!"

Finally I managed to open the bag and held it our in front of Housemate-Anna.

"Okay, I'm ready." I said.

Housemate-Anna looked at me with a face I could only describe as pure fear and dread.

"We have to do this Anna. It will only get worse if we leave it."

Taking a deep breath, Housemate-Anna nodded and took a step forward, took the pan away from the sink and, faster than I had ever seen her do anything... ever, she lifted disgusting container after disgusting container out of the sink and into the bin bag.

"Oh it's horrible." I murmured in between gags.

"I don't think I'm going to make it," Housemate-Anna cried.

"We can do this Anna, we can."

Housemate-Anna threw the last of the containers into the bin and screamed at me to shut the bin bag as soon as I can. I complied and ran out of the kitchen in my pyjamas and trainers, my scarf wrapped firmly around my face and my hand outstretched in front of me, heading in the direction of our block of flats' skips.

I reached the skip, threw open the lid, chucked the bag inside and closed it firmly behind me, leaning against it to catch my breath. As I turned to leave the skip area, I found an elderly bemused looking man staring at me quizzically.

"Hello," the man said to me, British politeness invading the awkward situation.

I looked at him for a moment as colour flooded my cheeks before I remembered I should probably respond.


"Lovely weather we're having don't you think?"

"Uhuh..." I managed, hoping he could hear me through my scarf. "Here's hoping it stays this way."

"Oh we can only hope."

I nodded and murmured my goodbye as I attempted to try and walk, with what was left of my dignity, back to my flat.

Needless to say that we then spent about two hours soaking every cm of our kitchen in pure concentrated bleach and you'll be pleased to know that it is well and truly clean now.

Also, there is no way we will EVER let it get that bad again. You should see how quickly we have been cleaning after ourselves in that kitchen since.

As the title suggests, if you are now disgusted in me, join the club. That had to be foulest think I have ever had to do.

Peace out my lovelies.

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