Saturday, 17 March 2012

It truly is a very special hat

Last Sunday evening, I was crashed on Housemate-Anna's bed, discussing what our weeks had been like.

Housemate-Anna: So did you have a good time with Andy today?
Me: Yeah, it was cool, we went on the swings and got a ice cream from the ice cream truck and then we went to the cinema.
Housemate-Anna: That sounds like a busy day.
Me: It was, but you know what was the best thing about it?
Housemate-Anna: What?
Me: I have managed to gain possession of Andy's hat.
Housemate-Anna: What's so great about Andy's hat?
Me: What's so great about it? (I jump up and run to my bedroom to retrieve the hat) Look at it! It's amazing and I love it! I want it to be mine. I've been trying to make it happen but he always catches me out at the last minute and steals it back from me. But today I got the upper hand... today, I stole that hat right from under his nose and he didn't even notice! I win!!
Housemate-Anna: Wow, this is something you're quite clearly passionate about.
Me: He probably hasn't even noticed I have it yet. He's probably sitting at home blissfully unaware that I am in possession of the hat of awesome.
Housemate-Anna: (Losing interest and starting to flick through her magazine) Probably.
Me: I'll have to tell him... but I have to do it in a good way... something that will be awesome... I think I'll use facebook... (I jump up in excitement as my idea came to me) I need my camera! I need my keys to go outside and I need someplace that's woody.

And without a backward glance from me or a perplexed look from Housemate-Anna (she has grown used to my moments of awesomeness) I started what anyone who knows me on facebook will know as one of the following:

1. The most annoying Lisa has ever been on facebook week
2. The most hilarious Lisa has ever been on facebook week
or the majority vote went for...
3. The week Lisa lost her mind and took some random hat with her.

My first photo, on Sunday night was:

Let me tell you a story of Andy Thelan's hat.

One day it was sitting in Andy's car and thought to itself "I want to travel the world!" and so it took what little money it had, jumped out the window and started the magical journey of wonder that it hoped would change it's life... And it did. Oh boy it did.

I received no reply from him regarding this and so I had no choice but to continue with the following two pictures on Monday.

"Hey Lisa?" Andy Thelan's hat said with a sigh.

"What's up Andy Thelan's hat?" I asked?

"I grow tired of trying to see the world on my own, I don't really get that far because ... Well ... You know ... I don't have a map."

"You also don't have any legs Andy Thelan's hat," I added.

"You are wise Lisa, therefore I have asked if you might be my guide to see the wonders of the world I have not seen."

"Of course I will Andy Thelan's hat!"

"Wonderful!" The hat remarked. "Now... Where to?"

"Sainsburys." I replied. "It's five minutes from the flat."

"Very well," Andy Thelan's hat replied, "I shall bring the bullet of truth just in case."

"Do you need a gun for that?" I asked.

"No, just the beating heart of a sacrificed pig."

"Oh okay, let's go."

Me: Andy Thelan's hat? What are your hopes and dreams?
Andy-Thelan's-Hat: Ah well, Lisa, you have embarked on a rather tricky subject I am afraid.
Me: Oh really, why's that?
Andy-Thelans-Hat: I'm afraid young child, I am not capable of dreams as I unable to sleep, let alone dream.
Me: You mean like Edward Cullen?
Andy-Thelans-Hat: there at a few differences within that association but... Essentially yes.
Me: What? You mean like the fact you like Pringles and not blood.
Andy-Thelans-Hat: well yes, but also because I am a hat.
Me: Oh... Do you sparkle in the sun?
Andy-Thelans-Hat: (pause) No Lisa, no I do not.

Still not a single response. He was being cool about it, he didn't want to air out all his pain on a forum that everyone would see... So instead, I thought I would let him know just how much of an awesome time I was having with his hat, thus came these following photos throughout the week.

Andy-Thelans-Hat: Wake up Lisa, you'll be late for work.
Me: But I'm tired Andy Thelan's Hat
Andy-Thelans-Hat: Let me tell you about life Lisa, sometimes you spend it asleep and sometimes you spend it awake. You have slept and now you must do the awake thing. Come on, I will buy you a Cappuccino from Starbucks.
Me: Where do you keep all your money? You don't have any pockets.
Andy-Thelans-Hat: I keep it all in that magical place where unicorns frolic and Lindsay Lohan has never heard of drugs.

Andy-Thelans-Hat: You look nice today Lisa
Me: Really? Thanks Andy Thelan's Hat. You always look nice.

Me: Hey Andy Thelan's Hat, now that we're 7 episodes into 4400 what do you think of it?
Andy-Thelans-Hat: I like it, it is showing a fantasy world based around unique special powers on a highly Science Fictional level which both excites and intrigues me into wanting to see more. How about you?
Me: I think it's good but I'm still freaked out by the little blonde girl.
Andy-Thelans-Hat: I don't think she's supposed to freak you out.
Me: I know, but she was in an episode of Supernatural where she played a creepy little girl and I can't get my mind off it. I think she just needs some eye make up.
Andy-Thelans-Hat: Lisa! 8 year olds do not need to wear eye make up!
Me: But it would make her less creepy!
Andy-Thelans-Hat: Lisa. If I ever see you campaigning to put eye make up on an 8 year old then I will no longer be your friend.
Me: (grumbles) She's probably wearing make up anyway. She's on TV.
Andy-Thelans-Hat: That is not the same thing and you know it.

By Thursday I began to believe that it was possible Andy had decided he didn't want his hat back, he hadn't responded once to any of my conversations with Andy-Thelans-Hat so I decided this needed addressing, to see if I could bring out some form of emotion from him.

Andy-Thelans-Hat: What are you doing young one?
Me: I'm looking at Andy Thelan's Facebook profile.
Andy-Thelans-Hat: Why?
Me: I don't think he's noticed that you have gone travelling, either that or he doesn't care.
Andy-Thelans-Hat: The mind of Andy Thelan is a complex one. He could have many a reason for not retrieving me.
Me: Like what Andy-Thelans-Hat?
Andy-Thelans-Hat: Perhaps he sees that your need for my company is greater than his at this present time.
Me: Why would he think that?
Andy-Thelans-Hat: I am sure you must have heard before that subtlety is not your strongest talent.
Me: Does that mean you get to stay?
Andy-Thelans-Hat: I will stay for as long as I am needed to.
Me: I don't think I could ever not need you.
Andy-Thelans-Hat: We shall see young one, we shall see

Me: Sigh
Andy-Thelans-Hat: What's wrong child?
Me: Oh nothing.
Andy-Thelans-Hat: Is it because you are receiving a large amount of concerned comments about all of these conversations you are having with an item of clothing?
Me: No, it's not that.
Andy-Thelans-Hat: Is it because people are starting to change their opinion of you and have voiced their concerns that you may have crossed a line into insanity this time?
Me: No.
Andy-Thelans-Hat: ... Really? You're not bothered by that at all?
Me: I'm just concerned about what Andy Thelan's next move will be. I mean he really likes you. He's not going to let me keep you. What if I wake up one morning to find he's broken into my flat and stolen you in the middle of the night.
Andy-Thelans-Hat: You're not even bothered by the frightened look Work-Buddy-James gave you yesterday when you discussed our conversations?
Me: I've become so attached to you now I don't think my emotions could take it. Besides there are so many places I promised you I would show you... We still haven't been to the Tesco Express down the road.
Andy-Thelans-Hat: Lisa, people are beginning to find it awkward to talk to you. They fear they can't connect to you anymore.
Me: There's also the wine shop next door. I was one of their first customers, they'd make you feel welcome.
Andy-Thelans-Hat: They actually worry you may have crossed over to insanity.
Me: Can you at least promise me that if he does come to steal you in the night, you will shout out as loud as you can to wake me up?
Andy-Thelans-Hat: I promise to shout as loud as a hat can.
Me: Thanks Andy-Thelans-Hat

Throughout the week, odd people commented, friends at work avoided me, phone calls were made to me where people inquired how that hat was as well as how I was. It was all good, however there were the odd few that were starting to feel annoyed with the deep conversations I was having with my beautiful new hat. Apparently this next photo was the last straw for a certain someone.

Me: I'm running out of eyeliner Andy Thelan's Hat.
Andy-Thelans-Hat: Sometimes the world can be a really hard place.
Me: Tell me about it.

Claire-The-Bully responded in the only bullyish way she knows how.

Comment: You are fast becoming on my 'block from homepage' list!!! ;)

Naturally this concerned me as, despite being a bully, she was also a friend and like to be able to inform her of things facebook wise, which resulted in this:

Me: Andy Thelans Hat, I'm worried our friendship is upsetting one of the bullies. And she's a bully, she has the power to bully me.
Andy-Thelans-Hat: Why would she bully you young one?
Me: I believe I sometimes annoy her. I don't mean to. I love her lots but I fear even this conversation will cause her to block me.
Andy-Thelans-Hat: How are you planning to fix this.
Me: I plan on telling her she's pretty.
Andy-Thelans-Hat: Good luck.
Me: Thanks.

By Friday, I was feeling pretty confident that it was quite clear Andy did not want his hat back. Unfortunately Andy-Thelans-Hat had also picked up on this realisation and needed consoling.

Andy-Thelans-Hat: Lisa, I would like to share my despair with you.
Me: What's wrong Andy Thelan's Hat?
Andy-Thelans-Hat: I fear Andy Thelan has grown tired of me and has decided he no longer wants me.
Me: Oh Andy Thelan's Hat! I'm so sorry to hear that!
Andy-Thelans-Hat: I do not completely believe you my child. People do not normally dance a jig when they are sharing their sympathies.
Me: ... It's my "I feel sorry for you" dance.
Andy-Thelans-Hat: It's very impressive, I was not aware you knew how to do the splits.
Me: I've been practising... I hope you're not too upset though, you enjoy being with me don't you?
Andy-Thelans-Hat: Well, you do give me a lot to talk about.
Me: Literally.
Andy-Thelans-Hat: Yes, I think I shall be happy here. Now... Where to next?
Me: I have a meeting to go to, so you get to sit in my bag for a couple of hours.
Andy-Thelans-Hat: Very well.

And quite simply, that was how I came to own Andy-Thelans-Hat. It was a beautiful day and we were very happy together.

Unfortunately, this story does not have a happy ending. I'm about to tell you what happened to me at half six last night as I was walking out of the train station but there is a chance that you may not believe me. However, it did happen... ask One-And-Only-Daniela, she was there with me.

I was walking as per normal in the cold night air with Andy-Thelans-Hat firmly on my head and keeping my ears warm, when out of nowhere a guy ran up dressed as a ninja and stole the hat from my head, running off like a lunatic whilst I shouted out in despair after him.

This morning Andy Thelan posted this on Facebook.

Hat just got hand delivered by a ninja. He didn't say much.

Touche Andy Thelan, Touche.

Peace out my lovelies.

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