Tuesday, 26 July 2011

A little guide to the tv world in London, England.

The film Swordfish was advertised to be on tv last night. It was in the tv guide magazine and on the guide on the tv as well (by this I mean the electronic guide not another magazine that I've Sellotaped to the screen).

The film was due to be on one of the lesser upmarket tv channels out of the bog standard channels. You have BBC1 and ITV1 at the top which are the rival big channels with a plethora of Saturday night entertainment. Next there's BBC2 for the documentaries and cult comic panel shows. Then there's channel 4 which basically has all the good 'Friday night' entertainment type channels. A good one for comedy and Countdown. 

And finally there is a little channel they tagged on a good 15 years ago called Channel 5. This channel either plays mediocre and slightly suspect trashy tv shows or it feeds on the remains of the first four channels' cast offs. The latest one of these being Big Brother now that channel 4 has grown bored of it. 

Anyway, channel 5 was claiming to put on Swordfish. Sometimes, despite their tragic tv taste, they can get it right movie wise. 

I was round Rachael-The-Bully's house.

We read the synopsis of the movie. I personally was very excited over the prospect of seeing a Hugh Jackman/John Travolta classic thriller. I had not yet seen it and do love an excuse to educate myself movie wise. 

After five minutes of seeing Jessica Alba and Paul Walker jump off boats however I remember being a little perplexed. I was pretty sure I had seen this movie but I was certain that I had not seen Swordfish. 

A few minutes later two new characters came on the screen. A guy and a really skinny blonde girl. My perplexion deepened as I turned to Rachael-The-Bully. 

"This is so weird. I was so certain that I hadn't seen Swordfish but I know that girl is going to be chomped up by sharks."

Rachael-The-Bully groaned. "Aw, can we not watch it then? I'm pretty sure I'll be too scared."

"I'm sure it's fine." I said. "I'm certain I haven't seen Swordfish before."

"Yeah well, Claire made me watch Sixth Sense last week and I had to go to bed at the same time as her because I was too scared. I don't want to do the same thing with you."

"I must be making it up. She'll be fine."

An unbelievable twenty minutes later and these four actors still hadn't left the water. This was (I'm ashamed to say) the point where I began to get suspicious. 

"Um Rach." I said. 


"I'm beginning to have my doubts about whether this film is actually Swordfish. Also, I definitely have seen this before."

"But they're in the water," Rachael-The-Bully argued. "I'm sure they're about to meet the Swordfish really soon."

I watched as Jessica Alba straddled Paul Walker in a fit of passion and suddenly felt confident with my decision. 

I picked up the magazine tv guide and glanced over at the synopsis for Swordfish again. "Okay, I'm pretty sure this is not a film about 'a secretive renagade counter-terrorist co-opting the world greatest hacker. There's far too much water to be anywhere near electrics. Besides I haven't seen either Hugh Jackman or John Travolta once yet. You'd have thought they'd at least have made an appearance by now."

I got out my trusty IMDB app, made a few searches and smiled as the title of the film showed itself. 

"Into the Blue!" I exclaimed. "I have seen this film before." Memories flooded back. "Oooh, it's not that good."

Rachael-The-Bully searched the electronic tv guide and it still said Swordfish. 

"But this tv guide is never wrong! I mean it's electronic."

I gasped as the mistake suddenly was made clear. 

"Rach, we're watching Channel 5. You know how bad they are. You don't suppose they put this film on because it has Swordfish in it and they thought that that meant it was the right movie?"

"I thought that."

"Well at least we know if everything else falls down we have a mediocre career in crappy television that we'd be perfect for."

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