Saturday, 16 July 2011

I don't think I have ever cacked myself as much as I did last night.

I spent the evening introducing Rachael-And-Claire-The-Bullies to One-And-Only-Daniela last night.

When One-And-Only-Daniela and myself got back from our night out I couldn't find my mobile phone so I decided to ring it with my home phone. I rang it once and it rang through, I then rang it again and it cut off. 30 seconds later my home phone started to ring with my mobile number showing on the screen. I answered the phone and the following conversation took place.

Me: Hello?
Woman's voice: Hello? Who is this please?
Me: My name's Lisa. I couldn't find my phone so I rang it. I'm taking it you have it.
Woman's voice: It was brought into the Police Station. We have it now.
Me: Oh! Is there anyway I can come and pick it up?
Police Woman: I'm going to need proof that this phone is yours.
Me: Of course. It's an iphone 3GS, it has a load of cracks on the front screen and it has a picture of my god daughter in a pink dress as the wallpaper. Is that enough?
Police Woman: Not really. Can you let me know the last text you sent from it?
Me: Ummm. I sent a text a message to my friend Rachael telling her I was stuck at Finsbury Park station on the train and I would be late to meeting her.
Police Woman: ...
Me: Can you find it?
Police woman: That is a text message on there but it isn't the last one there.
Me: Really?
Police woman: What can you tell me about the text message you sent from this phone asking someone for Cocaine?
Me: (Starts to panic) I'm sorry, what??!!
Police woman: There is a text message sent from your phone asking for cocaine. What can you tell me about that?
Me: I promise you I didn't send that! I've never taken Cocaine in my life.
Police Woman: Well how do you explain the message?
Me: It must have been sent by whoever found the phone. I promise you, I've never taken any drugs in my life. I drink alcohol occasionally but I PROMISE you I would not be asking for Cocaine... Who was the text message sent to?
Police Woman: Someone called Harry.
Me: It really wasn't me, I can't say that enough!
Police Woman: ...
Me: Am I in trouble?
Police Woman: I think it's best if you come down to the station so we can talk to you about that.
Me: Now? It's about 1 in the morning!
Police Woman: We just have a few questions we would like to ask you.
Me: Well I'm in my pyjamas at the moment, it might take me a while to get changed but of course I'll come down. I should be there in half an hour.
Police woman: ...
Me: Is that okay?
Police woman: (Starts to laugh) Lisa you arse! It's me!
Me: What??!!... Claire?
"Police Woman": I can't believe you fell for that!
Me: I can't believe you did that!! THIS is why you are called Claire-The-Bully!

Ladies and gents, that was by far the most scared I have ever been in my life. One-And-Only-Daniela was also completely terrified as she had to sit by and listen to me apologising to an officer about cocaine use.

I honestly thought this was going to end up being one of those things you see on TV where I was going to end up in prison for something I hadn't done. My mother would have cried, my permanent record would have been down as a druggie and I would end up never being able to get a job and end up living on the streets until eventually I died of malnutrition or some kind of disease.

Having said all that, I've never been so happy that it was a joke. I also have to agree that Claire-The-Bully got me pretty good.

Well done Claire-The-Bully, I tip my hat to you.

1 comment:

  1. Oh that's brilliant. I am sitting here giggling like a lunatic. I think I might have to read this one again.