You say "jump," I say "you come anywhere near me again and I'll snap your neck.

I'm going to the cinema tonight (check out my review page for more on that).

Film-Buddy-Kezia suggested a scary one. I'm a little bit of a wimp when it comes to this. There's a large chance I may cack myself. Mind you it may not actually be that scary but just one of those films that try to be. That wouldn't be as bad I suppose. 

You see it's not even the scary prospect that gets me (although little girl ghosts should be banned from all tv screens). It's more if a film has the 'Jump Factor' included. 

Take 'Snakes on a Plane' for example.



Before you start goading me, I did not find that film scary but you couldn't make me watch it again if you paid me. 

It was just so jumpy! Every 5 seconds something new was popping out of nowhere and scaring the crap out of me. 

I remember coming out of that film physically exhausted. Not to mention I was completely on edge. Anyone who so much as touched me for about a day afterwards would get an instinctive slap from me whilst I yelped "I don't even like snakes!" (this was to the great amusement of those who were with me).

Anywho, this film I'm about to see looks like it won't be particularly scary but the trailer alone made me jump so I'm a little terrified of what the actual thing will do. 

Poor Film-Buddy-Kezia, I fear she may end up with a black eye by the end of the night. 

Wish us both luck and catch you in a few hours on Filmsworthseeing!

Dreaming of Joe Walker makes England rain and (fingers crossed) my kitchen sink unclog.

Sometimes writing a post is really easy, sometimes it's not. Today is a 'not' day.

I guess that doesn't help sell the post to you or make you want to continue reading but truth is I can't tell you what to do with this one because I have no clue whether it'll be interesting, at this point I have no clue what's going to be written!

I guess in a way it's sort of fun, like we're both going on an adventure into the unknown together. Who knows what kind of treasure we'll uncover...


...

I could tell you about the dream I had last night! I dreamt I was dating Joe Walker from Starkid, which was nice because, as anyone who just clicked on that link will see, he is not too bad on the eye. In the dream I was in a production Starkid was doing which was how the whole 'dating him' thing happened... I don't remember much else other than that. Apart from of course waking up and thinking "hmmm that was nice, at least my dream self isn't too neurotic to date" (sometimes she is, but every so often she catches a break).

The rest of the day has been spent working hard to keep Ufahriseal at bay. I succeeded and was rewarded by England doing what England does best... right now as I write, lovely and familiar dark clouds are taking over the sky with four days worth of rain ready to offload. Hello bad weather, I knew you'd be back.



I've also discovered a completely irrational thing I do on my way home from work (shocker I know).

In order to utilise my time as effectively as possible (because I'm a stupid over achiever at times) I tend to hand write these posts during my hour and a half train journey home. (SIDE NOTE: Ha ha, someone just got on the tube, sat down, realised it was the wrong train and almost tripped over himself to try and get off the train again before the doors shut (he made it, but the panic amused me)).

Anywho, as I was saying, my first draft of this (which inevitably ends up being the actual draft as I'm really not that fussy) is done during my journey. But what I get really antsy over is if anyone is looking over my shoulder and reading it whilst I'm writing.

This is UTTERLY ridiculous, given that it will only be uploaded onto this website before the day's out for the whole world to see (Not that I delude myself into thinking that whole world does read it (unless there really are only 86 people in the world as that's what my stats tell me is the amount of readers that randomthoughts gets a day (yes that may have been a little brag, I'm quite proud (even if the majority of the viewings are down to people google imaging 'Geese in a V formation' (my, my, these are a lot of open brackets, I wonder how many closing brackets I would need to end this (the answer is six)))))).

I actually had to re-read that last bit because I completely forgot what I was talking about. I'm back on track now.

I'm going to end this post with an appeal. For those who have read my last two posts, you'd know I'm having a little trouble with my kitchen sink. It's blocked and even Mr Muscle won't solve the issue. I am dangerously close to taking 'Crazylegs' advice and just moving house but I thought I might try fixing it by unclogging the U bend bit myself first... this is the bit where I need help.

I cannot stress how much I am a complete noob with this 'keeping a house' milarkey. If someone can explain how I do this in the SIMPLEST of terms (I'm not kidding, treat me like a five year old) I would be most grateful!

Also for those of you who actually continued reading this far - WELL DONE! I really didn't sell this well enough to warrant that kind of dedication. To reward you I may even give you a prize. Feel free to tell me what that should be below.

Peace out my lovelies.

The completely dangerous and highly complex issue of unclogging my sink for the very first time.

This post is going to be marked as a real time account of my new milestone in my flat. I do need your help and advice in this so please PLEASE keep reading.

16:30
Okay, so as a result to yesterday's post whereby I discovered (amongst many other very important revelations) that my kitchen sink was blocked I was advised to purchase a Mr Muscle cleaning foam type thing as a way of cleaning it all again.

I have bought that product and by way of advertisement I suppose, here it is.



(Mr Muscle feel free to send my check in the post)

I heard something from Good-Buddy-Hannah that if I were to pour this stuff down the sink the wrong way I would cause a foam explosion and this would be bad. I looked at the bottle's instructions, determined not to do this but could not find a particular rule on which is the right way to pour the stuff down the sink!

My panic now risen as I realised I would have to guess and risk possibly coating myself in a substance of foam that I'm pretty sure is toxic to human skin, I took the plunge, crossed myself, and tried.



...

I'm not quite sure if what has happened is right. I need advice please. Although you'll be pleased to know that there was no explosion and so none of my skin has melted off my body. A lot of the foam seemed to have missed the plug entirely and has spread itself across the surface of my sink, like so.



I have to wait an hour now for it to do it's work. But is this normal?? Should I be worried? Or should I be cheering the foam on for doing such a good job? Please let me know before my house potentially blows up due to my complete lack of knowledge in household cleaning appliances.

UPDATE: 17:11

Completely unrelated news, but I've just found out that Robert Sheehan isn't returning to do the third series of Misifts... I think I just heard my heart break into two. I'm going to go and cry now. I'll post an update of the unclogging sink once I'm allowed to test it and I've stopped weeping into a pot of ice cream.

UPDATE: 17:28



Looking good... I think. Although the joy of this seems tainted now. I'm now living in a world where Robert Sheehan's not in Misfits. What's the point in anything anymore? And before you say anything, this is not dramatic. This is raw and real and sad.

UPDATE: 17:55

Robert Sheehan and Mr Muscle didn't work.



This day sucks.

There's something quite poetic about having several revelations in a day where I have done absolutely nothing.

Today on our fourth day of sun I have not left the house once. I thought about it, I even got changed into a strap top and three quarter lengths and spent a long time gazing out the window, but the action to leave the house never came. This was silly. Especially as it's predicted to rain tomorrow.

In spite of all of this I have discovered a plethora of amazing revelations today and I would like to share them with you.

1. People should not be allowed to make a film if they are going to try and realistically sell a scene whereby a massively drunk man is watched by 100 wedding guests get into a car and drive off without one person making a protest. They couldn't even hide this behind it being a comedy! Mind you, Miley Cyrus was the main character of this particular film so I shouldn't be expecting too much out of it.

2. When my kitchen sink takes 45 minutes to empty I should probably come to terms with the fact that there is a blockage somewhere in the pipes.

3. I have no idea how to unblock a kitchen sink.

4. I have a very 'head in the sand' attitude towards sink blockages as I'm convinced that if I leave it a day it will have magically fixed itself.

5. I may have finally reached the point where I am bored of spending an entire day on my own. First time in 4 months of flat living.

6. I have no short term memory at all and am rather prone to turning the tap on in the kitchen sink just a mere 20 minutes after I have finally emptied the sink of water.

7. Hot weather, a glass of Pimms and curtains open in my living room are the secret solution to making me do housework.

8. My kitchen floor is so much nicer now my feet don't stick to it as I walk to my cooker.

9. Blood does not come off my bath tub. Not even after four months of bleach.

10. I can now sing all the harmonies to Starkid's "Not alone."

11. Sitting on my sofa in my pyjamas past three o clock makes me smell.

12. Watching "So you think you can dance" makes me depressed I can't bend my leg back over my head and jump into the air like they do.

That's all.

Oh and if anyone knows how to unblock a sink I would really appreciate your input.

So it turns out I'm the victim of bullying so intense I didn't even realise it was happening.

So I tend to write about a lot people on this blog. Depending on whether they've done something in my vicinity that I have deemed to be interesting. Yes granted, the jury is still out as to whether this is actually interesting but you get the idea.

Two people that seem to have dominated a lot of my posts however are my good buddies Rachael and Claire. (Remember? That one about Pork and then the one about Geese and then the one about the Fire?)


NB: I had a much more awesome and kick ass photo up but Claire made me remove it. So instead I have a 'nice' one of her. Spoil sport.

I was out with both of these lovely ladies again last night. It was day three of the sun and I wish more than I have ever wished before that I could have got a picture of the pub garden we went to after work. If I ever needed a perfect example of what I was talking about in my blog about Brits and the sun then yesterday was it.

The pub garden we were in was tiny but that did not stop us from utilising a Friday evening possibility of sun and Pimms. Everyone was standing outside in the little square of grass literally like sardines. No one could actually move due to the amount of people desperate to enjoy what could possibly be our only chance at a summer.

Anywho we stood there for a while and then decided to go back to Rachael's. I had not heard anything from Claire and Rachael regarding my post on the life and death situation that was the fire so I decided to ask them what they thought.

"Hey guys." I said as we left the Chinese with our order.

"Hmmmm?" Claire murmured.

"Did you get a chance to read my blog I did on our fire a couple of weeks ago?"

"You have a blog?" Rachael said. "I didn't realise."

I looked at her blankly. "Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit you know."

Rachael grinned back.

"I read it." Claire said. "I got to say, I'm beginning to see a pattern in the way we come across in all of your blogs."

"What's that?" I asked.

"Well, it seems that whatever you are doing with us we always end up being the ones who just roll our eyes at you or throw you tired looks."

I thought for a moment.

"I was just saying that to some people at work the other day!" Rachael piped in. "I said that it seems like we're the parents tolerating you. If we actually were I'm pretty sure we'd get done for abuse based on what you write."

I nodded my head as I re read the three posts in my brain.

"You guys have a point." I said. "You should probably start being nicer to me then."

Claire threw me a tired look.

"You're the ones who are acting this way." I said. "You keep on behaving like that and I'll keep on writing it."

"You may be embellishing it for dramatic purposes." Claire said.

"I don't think I am."

"Well, I haven't read the fire post yet." Rachael said. "We'll read it when we get back to mine and decide."

We got back to Rachael's and I gave my very first live performance of a blog. Pretty much at every line they both started laughing as the memories of that night came back.

"Was I lying?" I asked.

Claire thought for a moment before answering.

"Nah, that's pretty much how it went."

"I guess we're just abusive then." Rachael added.

"I guess you are."

One more post to add to the case.

Oh and in related news. Rachael almost fire to her house again last night. This time with some tin foil, a lighter and some coal... That story actually sounds a lot more interesting that the one I just told but I've written it now and am too sleepy to re-write anything more. I also ended the night by throwing cards at Rachael, calling her a cheater and storming out of the house... That one also seems like a better story. Ah well.

I think my brain exploded today. Just thought you should know.

Question: Does anyone know what side effects someone can expect if their brain does explode? Because I'm pretty sure it happened to me but I can't be certain without an MRI and I stupidly left the hospital I work in without getting one.

Truth is I couldn't leave work fast enough today on account of the afore mentioned brain explosion so i really didn't think to stop and be sensible/overdramatic (depending on your opinion of the likelihood that this explosion actually happened).

Today I have cast aside my normal identity and transformed into the superhero 'Uber-Fast-And-Highly-Responsible/Incredibly-Stressed-Executive-Assistant-Lady' (or Ufahriseal for short).



This superhero identity may not be the most exciting of my many superhero personalities (Like Almost-Quite-Fast-Girl-Woman for example) but she does have many superhero traits and they are as follows.

1. She has the ability to snap at all who cross her path with anything that doesn't immediately relate to her task at hand.

2. She has the ability to hold down 7 cups of coffee at double dose in the morning alone.

3. She can often be found mumbling incoherent 'magical' words to herself which seems to make her anger double.

4. She has the ability to growl menacingly at inanimate objects, instilling the fear of God into them until they actually start to shake.

5. At heightened moments she is able to physically push her own stress out of her and insert it into the heart and souls of those around her.

6. She is a solitary hero, choosing to work alone. Her most iconic catchphrases are:

"There's so much to do."

Closely followed by

"No you can't help, I can do it myself."

Which is then followed shortly by

"Why the hell did I say that?"

7. She is a determined hero, refusing to stop until the work is done or she is dead.

8. Unfortunately Ufahriseal can only exist for a maximum of 7 hours at a time. Any longer and the following side effects can occur:

- Spontaneous crying (an action that she will promptly scold herself for as a sign of being weak)

- The urge to lie down in the fetal position until the bad 'To do' list goes away.

- The inability to make any sounds that can be formed into real words.

- Brain explosion.

I became Ufahriseal for 8 hours today. Just five minutes ago something squsihy fell out of my ear and now I can't remember a single thing that happened in my 9th year of life.

Stupid Ufahriseal. You're my least favourite of my personalities.

This is why I love us Brits. One glimpse of the sun and we all go nuts.

It's sunny today. And fairly warm, which is hot to us in rainy England. The excitement tied to this revelation has been unanimous throughout.

I woke up this morning to Lisa Snowdon on my radio telling me we would reach 22 degrees and immediately thought to myself, today will be pandemonium.

For those of you who may not be reading this from England and so are unaware of what a little sun can do to us, I refer you to the below video.



The thing is, having any kind of sunshine in this beautiful country of ours is so rare that when it does happen we know we have to utilise it straight away otherwise we will lose it forever.

Even if the forecast will predict a week of good weather, we can never trust it because you can guarantee that a stray rain cloud will find it's way into the sky somehow and those things always travel in packs.

My predictions for England's reaction to the day's weather were spot on. The train to work displayed the first skirts and short sleeved shirts of the year and the train journey home smelt funkily like a bunch of Brits who were not quite prepared, deodorant wise, for the sudden change in climate.

Lunchtime at work caused the entire hospital to appear like a ghost town whilst the grass and picnic areas (which has previously been avoided like the plague) were now packed with staff in sunglasses, applying suncream.

Facebook and Twitter have been overrun with "Look at the sun!" statuses (myself included) and it had been the only source of conversation for the whole day.

There is something so gorgeous about these rare sunny days. The world seems brighter (wait... that would be because it is) and people are smiling for no apparent reason!

Now I'm not saying we're a miserable bunch in England but rather cynical and socially awkward. We tend to need a reason to be smiling, especially if we're on our own. If we don't have a reason, there are usually confused looks by other people who don't quite understand what point there is to the random smile (I have been responsible for receiving and giving this look) but on this day the world allows us to smile because today we aren't in England, today we're in the Caribbean, 5 minutes away from grabbing our bikini tops.

Now I have said earlier that we enjoy this weather so much because of it's rarity. There is a reason for the briefness of the sun. The weather knows what it's doing. Because as amazing and fun as we find it for a day/2 days/even a week, if it lasts any longer than that, our brains can't handle it - the magic goes and we quickly lose patience with it.

This is because any longer than a week, the hosepipe bans will start, the heat stops being refreshing and starts to become sticky and then of course the grumbles begin.

"If I wanted to be this hot and sweaty I'd go on holiday."

"Seriously, all my windows and doors are open, I have 5 fans on and I still can't sleep."

"I don't want to move, it's too hot."

"Why won't it rain?"

"I blame global warming."

"When will the winter get here?"

Mind you, the weather can't win, because if it rains all summer like it did last year, we'll spend a solid three months mumbling sentences with the words 'global warming' in (yes the O Zone is blamed in both circumstances).

And that people, is why I love us Brits.

Want to know how to sabotage any chance of starting up a relationship? Hi, I'm Lisa and I'll be your guide.

Last week
(Work-Buddy-James shortened to WBJ)

ME: Some guy asked me out on a date the other day.
WBJ: What did you say?
ME: It's hard to tell. All I remember is cold sweat followed by a feeling somewhere between panic and doom at the bottom of my stomach. After that, the conversation went by in a bit of a haze.
WBJ: Because you liked him?
ME: No.
WBJ: Because you were repulsed by him?
ME: No.
WBJ: Then why?
ME: Because he asked me out on a date.

Pause

WBJ: I don't get it.
ME: Neither do I.
WBJ: So are you going to go out with him?
ME: I don't think so. I'm pretty sure I said no... I may have told him I'd check my diary.
WBJ: Are you going to say yes?
ME: I don't know... I hope not.
WBJ: Is that decision not up to you?
ME: I'm not exactly my most responsive when there's flirting involved.
WBJ: Why's that?
ME: Because there's flirting involved.

Pause

WBJ: I don't think I follow
ME: Neither do I.
WBJ: Does this happen with all flirting?
ME: When I'm aware it's flirting yes. Otherwise I just assume I've made a new friend. I usually have to be informed by an outside source if it's otherwise.
WBJ: You should blog about this.
ME: Nah
WBJ: Why not?
ME: Because it makes me look crazy
WBJ: I think that ship's already sailed.


3 months ago

RACHAEL: Have you seen that guy you liked that smiled at you the other day yet?
ME: I'm over that now
RACHAEL: Did you talk to him?
ME: No
RACHAEL: What happened?
ME: More than one person found out about it and it became this thing. That's too much pressure.
RACHAEL: Did he find out?
ME: No.
RACHAEL: Does he at least know your name yet?
ME: No.
RACHAEL: Have you even seen him since?
ME: No.
RACHAEL: So where's the pressure?
ME: I don't know for sure but I feel better now I've decided not to like him.



8 months ago

ALWYN: You've been grinning into your phone for half an hour now.
ME: Have I?
ALWYN: Do you have a new guy friend by any chance?

Pause.

ME: Maybe
ALWYN: What's he like?
ME: He's really nice. He's ginger. I met him at my best friend's wedding. He was working. I complimented his hair. His mate gave me his number and we've been texting ever since. He's funny and really nice... of course he lives on the other side of Essex so it would only work if he had a car as I don't drive... But I can't expect him to do all the driving, that wouldn't be fair... I suppose I could offer to pay for petrol... I'm not sure if I can afford that at the moment though... plus he works most evenings so it would have to be at weekends and if I give up anymore of those then I'll never finish my book...

*Looks at phone*

...I don't know if he does drive... it seems like a lot of hassle to get organised... plus he might decide it's not worth the travel... ah well. It was fun while it lasted.

Pause

ALWYN: (looks at watch) 30 seconds. That's a new record.



1 year ago

ME: I think I like him
DANIELA: Oooh, can I tell him?
ME: No!
DANIELA: Why not?
ME: Because we're not in High School
DANIELA: Well, are you going to tell him?
ME: No.
DANIELA: Why not?
ME: Because then he'll know.
DANIELA: Are you afraid he might not like you back?
ME: Or worse. What if he does like me?


1 year/3 years/10 years/11 years ago

ME: I like you.
HIM: I'm gay.


In case you ever wondered why I've been single for so long.

Now you know.

25 going on 50

Apologies for my lack of communication for the past two days. I found myself uncharacteristically with a life this weekend and so instead of chilling on my sofa with my lap top for 48 hours I was... how do you say it?... 'Outside the house.'

If it's any consolation, it felt weird.

So this weekend was the weekend of birthdays apparently. My Grandad celebrated his 80th on Friday night and so me and my family piled into the Honda and made the long journey to Swindon to surprise him. My younger brother Daniel and I acted like true grown ups the whole way there.



It was nice. Due to all of my dad's side living in Swindon we usually only ever see them at Christmas so... bonus!

Say hi to the uncle.



Saturday night was a little more hard core. My friend Daniela turned 22 and we went to this club in London called 'Tiger Tiger.'

I spent the first half of the night in McDonalds because apparently it is uncool to meet at the time agreed. Apparently the cool kids all arrive an hour and a half later... Well at least I know now I guess.

It was the 1st time I had ever been to a club where our name was on the list and we were escorted to our own private booth. I felt very Sex and the City like.

There there was a lot of classy white girl dancing on my part and posing incessantly for cameras.



I then got on a bus at silly o'clock and didn't arrive home until after 4am.

I guess there was the possibility that I could have written a blog yesterday as I barely moved from my sofa (I did go to the cinema however, see Killing Bono review for more).

I did try to write a post. I even opened up the 'New post' page, but I had no energy because - and this is the point of the whole blog - I went out Saturday night with the body of a 25 year old and came back with the body of a 50 year old.

No, nothing sags, and as far as I can tell I haven't any wrinkles but, oh.my.DAYS! I felt like I had just run a marathon the next morning! I really don't get how other people in their 20's do it.

I mean it is now 2 days later and I'm still knackered and feeling aches in very weird places.

I can't believe the travesty in the words I'm about to utter, but I fear I may be getting too old for this milarkey.

For my birthday I'm going to have Cross Stitching in the morning, nap time in the afternoon then a good Pride and Prejudice viewing in the evening.

Wanna come?

Caterpillars...

Since I have moved into the awesome place that is my own house, I have thrice now discovered caterpillars roaming around.

I have found this bizarre. Why are there caterpillars in my house? What is their purpose for being there? I was not aware that finding caterpillars in one's abode was the norm in England. Is it?

I disposed of the caterpillar I found this morning out of my window but now I fear that I've separated it from it's family. What if I've just upset mummy and daddy caterpillar? Or what if that was the mummy or daddy caterpillar and now there are baby caterpillars somewhere in my house who are now without parents?

All this made me sad so I stopped thinking about it.

Then I had a better thought. Maybe it's the same caterpillar which keeps on finding it's way into my house each time I throw it out. Like some kind of awesome 'will-not-be-defeated' caterpillar.

If that's the case then game on Caterpillar, I'll see you in a month's time when you find your way back...