Tuesday, 17 June 2014

How to prepare a really lazy but high protein dinner after being in the gym... I am using the term 'dinner' incredibly lightly here.

I don't understand why the world is built in such a way that all the amazing tasting food is bad for you and all the food that is supposedly good for you is bland... Before everyone jumps onto their high horse and starts suggesting to me recipes of great tasting food that's cheap and easy to cook, I am aware. I have researched it fully, and spent a ridiculous amount of time searching through SORTED Food's website for something tasty and fun. There is plenty to be cooking, but I am currently living in a house where I share a kitchen with three other guys and very limited kitchen utensils to use for cooking.

On top of that, my usual laziness for cooking has been increased. Before, the thought of coming home from work and then putting something together from scratch use to make me immediately want to take a nap. However, this laziness has only been increased over the past couple of weeks since I have begun attending the gym after work every day. This is good for the losing weight shizzle, and I am doing fairly well so far. Plus I'm no longer coming out of my gym sessions looking like I've been sunburnt terribly:

I know, hella sexy right? That was taken after my second workout at the gym. However, now I'm finishing my sessions only soaking with sweat, as opposed to blending into my pink top... this is progress people.

But, as I'm putting all my focus on the workout aspect of the weight loss, I am leaving hardly any energy for the cooking part. So I have devised a diet of the same food every day to make my exercise and food go together. This is Porridge, Tuna Salad, and then two cans of Tuna in the evening. The first two are prepared by my work cafeteria, and the last I tend to do myself. It's very fancy. Basically, the recipe is thus:

1. Take two cans of 'tuna in spring water' out of your cupboard.
2. Desperately search for the can opener that works, as opposed to the three others in the drawer that probably do also work but you can't, for the life of you, work out how to use them.
3. Finally find the can opener after spending 10 minutes only picking up the ones you can't use and screaming "Why are you even in here??" at them until the frustration is out.
4. Open the cans with the correct can opener. This should preferably be done in the sink, as there will be spillage involved and who can be arsed to clean that?
5. Once both cans are opened, put the can opener in a place where you know to find it, as you will be needing it again tomorrow night.
6. Using the lid of the can, pressed up against the side, (or a sieve, if your posh), drain the tuna of all the excess spring water.
7. Take the tuna over to a bowl and empty the contents into it.
8. Take a moment to feel a little overwhelmed by the sheer amount of tuna that is now in your bowl. You will have to eat this soon, and quickly wonder whether this, coupled with the tuna in your salad earlier in the day, will eventually result in mercury poisoning, should you eat this repeatedly for the next month.
9. Push that thought from your mind, filing it under something that 'future you' can deal with, should it come up.
10. Grab and fork and stab at the tuna repeatedly until all big chunks are now pretty little flakes. NB: If you have had a particularly stressful day, this can be used as a good release, should you need it. Feel free to use as much gusto as you would like, the Tuna is already dead so it's not inhumane at all.
11. Take a bottle of light mayonnaise and light salad cream and squirt both generously into the bowl with the tuna. You want to make it an equal amount to each other, with perhaps a tiny bit more of the mayo.
12. Don't recoil at what you've just done. I know that mayo and Salad Cream together have never worked together before, but when applied to tuna, all previous rules are thrown out of the window. This will, most definitely, become the most beautiful thing you've ever tasted. Not to mention the only way you will eat tuna in the future. Trust me, I've done field testing on this particular subject. People are adamant they are going to hate it and then collapse into a heap of heaven when they actually experience the taste.
13. Use your stabbing fork to mix this concoction together. Take a few tastes every so often to judge whether you have got the balance of mayo and salad cream right. Trust your taste buds, they know what they want, and the first time you taste that perfect balance, your mouth will spend the rest of its life trying to  get that taste back.
14. Take your bowl to wherever you want to go to eat your tuna.
15. Eat your tuna.

Yup, that's how I cook. And Yup, that's what I constitute as cooking.

Now I know I've contradicted myself by saying that the fattening food is the nice food and the healthy food is bland, and then gone on to talk about the taste sensation that is Tuna, mayo and salad cream, but trust me, when this is all you plan to eat for the next month, that shizzle is going to get bland again.

Not to mention, porridge and tuna are both dank and grey looking. Salad has a bit more of a chipper upbeat look to it, but it still doesn't hold a candle to a cake that looks like this:

So, that's about as far as my culinary expertise will take you on this blog. You are very welcome.

Peace out my lovelies.

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