Monday, 20 February 2012

I'm pretty sure my body is close to filing a law suit against me for abuse.

So I'm up before 11am yeaterday morning, you know, because I'm crazy, and I realise that I should probably get me a drink of caffeine to ensure that I stay up.

As I was leaving the house, I decided to use my trusty Biohazard flask so that I could continue drinking said caffeine once outside.

As such, I went to my kitchen, fished my flask out from my cupboard, turned my kettle on and proceeded to pour my three teaspoons of coffee into the flask (I'm under the impression that if your coffee doesn't give you a buzz after you're done drinking it, then you're not doing it right).

Once I had poured the boiling hot water into the flask, I went to my fridge to grab the milk only to find that there wasn't any left. Isn't that just the way? Stupid sod's law, I can't tell you the amount of times that we have left milk in that fridge untouched until it had turned into a solid entity. We don't have milk at the moment because both Housemate-Anna and myself are on a bit of a Hot Chocolate obsession and both seem incapable of going to sleep without having a bowl sized mug of it before bed. Anywho, due to the lack of milk I realised that I really and truly was going to be buzzing today as I was going to be having my coffee black.

I shut the fridge door, went back over to the flask, noticed the time was telling me I had only ten minutes until I had to leave the house, panicked because I currently had no make up on, threw the lid on the flask and power walked back into my bedroom with flask in hand.

I went on to do my usual eye make up routine and struggled slightly as I realised how hard it was to do this task when your eyes keep on trying to close on you due to the extreme fatigue Sunday mornings before 11am brings.

Due to this I decided that I would need a shot of coffee now in order to finish the task. I took the flask, opened the lid and threw the liquid into my mouth.

It was only once I had closed my mouth again that I became aware of just how hot the coffee was... bearing in mind it was at boiling point a mere three minutes ago and it had zero amount of cold milk to have cooled it down. My mind went into panic mode, suddenly it had no idea how to make my throat swallow. No word of a lie, I had completely forgotten how to do this simple task.

As such I was left with this burning liquid in my mouth and no way of emptying it. My bedroom floor was not really a place that would respond well to having spit up coffee all over it and the sodding lid was on the flask so I couldn't spit it back in there. Before you guys start telling me that I could have simply taken the lid off the flask I want you all to remember that I, at this moment, couldn't even work out how to swallow, let alone use my opposable thumbs.

In short, this dilemma left me dancing around my room, throwing my head backwards and forwards whilst letting out little squeals with my mouth firmly shut and tears appearing in my eyes. All the while my brain is sending messages to my throat saying "Swallow damn it swallow!" Whilst my throat was repsonding saying, "Are you kidding? That liquid is hot, I ain't letting that thing anywhere near me!" In the meantime, my head was trying to throw the liquid down my throat by tossing my head back and hoping some of the liquid accidentally fell down there.

This lasted for what felt like five minutes but what I'm sure in all reality was really five seconds until eventually my brain forced my throat to comply with threats of all kinds of danger on it's family etc and it opened, allowing the scorching coffee down into my body.

My mouth, ladies and gents, is now well and truly swollen. My taste buds gave out on me all day yesterday and the roof of my mouth now has some form of swollen film all over it that does not respond well to anything hot or even luke warm coming into contact with it.

One of these days I am going to stop hurting myself accidentally and give my poor body a break. But until that day, I will at least vent to you lovely people just how stupid I can be.

Peace out my lovelies.

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