We're still here??

... Well. I feel foolish.

Goodbye everyone... It's been fun.

It's with an ache in my heart and a tear in my eye that I bid you all adieu as tonight will be my last post. 

I hope that I have been informative in these last couple of weeks and provided enough help so that you can successfully enjoy the remaining of your existence. I would love to be able to continue with passing on my disturbed thoughts to you but as of tomorrow everything changes and I'm not even sure I will ever see a computer again. 

Needless to say I have loved you all and might even see half of you again. To the other half... Good luck on your side of the fence, may you be blessed and happy in all the decisions you make. 

What can I possibly be talking about I hear you ask? Well the inevitable rapture of course! Tomorrow is the day!

...

...

Okay. So it seems like I am the only person who seems to think the end of the world is happening but I assure this was not made up! Jo-Jo told me it would happen and you guys might not know Jo-Jo but I have it on good authority that she has never lied to me yet! ... Well there was that one time but she did say that it was better I didn't know because then I would avoid being tortured slowly and painfully by the men following her around, so it was totally justified. Besides I didn't even know the guy who was murdered that well so it made sense that I didn't get too involved. 

But anywho, I digress. The end of the world is nigh and happening tomorrow. I'm guessing it has something to do with the fact that there are a lot of 11's involved in the date and so, going by that assumption, I would hazard a guess that we should all ascend/descend sometime in the 11th minute of the 11th hour of the day... Possibly at the 11th second (which you have to admit is a lot cooler than any of the other dates that have been predicted).

If I were you I would make sure you're somewhere really quirky at that exact time because it will blatantly be one of those moments that people will look back on and ask, where were you when the rapture happened? You know like people say now with "Where were you when the Beatles broke up?" or "Where we're you when that guy first landed on the moon?" With that in mind, imagine how awesome it would be if you could answer with something like, "Well actually I was wrestling a shark whilst eating jelly" or "I was trying to see if I could swallow a baby elephant whole" (your quirky thing does not need to involve an animal, this was just my personal preference).

So with that said I guess I have imparted all the knowledge I have to give you and I will say goodbye whilst I board the plane to Africa so that I can find a Giraffe's neck to abseil down. 

Peace out my lovelies. 

I fear I may be too suspicious for dating...

As a active point of trying to progress my love life to anything other than "Sorry mum, no new boyfriend yet, I forgot I was meant to be looking for one," and then watch her disappear into a pool of her own despair  and fear that I will never give her grandchildren, I joined a dating site today that my friend Jo-Jo recommended me. Due to them being uuber careful about who is on it they are vetting everything I've put on my profile and so, as such, my profile looks completely bare. 

However, determined not to let this disrupt my new found wave of moving forward with my life, I continued on to browse through the men the site had to offer. 

Line-Manager-Monica and I reviewed my future prospects and occasionally fell on some that have the best chance of breaking through my crippling wall of phobia. On the site you have the option to "smile" at the person, which I guess is a way to let them know that you appreciate the way they look. 

Anywho, Line-Manager-Monica and I may have gotten a little carried away, mainly due to any time I gave a reaction that sounded remotely positive she would cry out "smile at him." Running off the adrenaline of reacting like everyone else when they like a guy, I managed to dismiss my default "If I like him I should never look at his profile again in case he realises" reaction and actually pressed the smile button.

I may have got a little click happy by the end but when I went back to my profile I noticed not one but two guys had looked at my profile and one if the guys who I had smiled at had smiled at me back and left me a message!

Well this had to have been the most exciting thing to have happened in my love life for the past three years so naturally I was rather excited by this prospect. (If you are new to my blog and find it bizarre that this is my reaction, please may I refer you to this post and this one to explain my love life.)

I clicked on my inbox and found the following message:

"Hey! Nice profile, any chance of a picture?"

Guys... Is it wrong that my default reaction to this was to be instantly turned off by the superficialness of it? I mean, I had uploaded a picture but it was still being vetted which was why he couldn't see it. I had already said to Line-Manager-Monica whilst I was gaily smiling at everyone that there was no point because they couldn't see my profile yet and so wouldn't be able to know who's smiling at them which is understandable, but the moment he asked for a photo, I was all "how dare you not be interested in me just as I am? You should be better than that."

To further illustrate my sheer hypocritical nature, when previously refining my search for looking for men myself, I had instantly ticked the box to insist that only profiles with pictures are shown...

This, people, is my problem. This is the reason my mother has taken a desperate tone with me whenever discussing my love life, this is the reason that one of my friends, upon me telling them that I am turning 26 on Saturday, commented that I will most probably die an old maid. I simply either cannot be bothered with finding a guy or give up within five seconds. 

To my mother who may be reading this and wriggling in her seat with joy that I appear to have turned a corner in terms of my love life. Sorry... Chances are I will most probably come up with excuses for all of the guys I come across on this site. Either that or I'll simply lose interest in the site altogether. Even now I can feel my proactive wave subsiding and my need for a nap taking it's place. I'll probably just get a puppy instead. 

Peace out my lovelies.  

Apocalypse versus getting a year older... Which one will win?

It is my birthday on Saturday! Huzzah, I shall be turning another year older. That's 26 for those who don't know. 

I've been reluctant to get my hopes up too much about celebrations for this however given that it falls the day after the latest apocalypse but on the off chance that we don't all disappear into a world with no clothes I decided today to make temporary arrangements!

Thinking about it, I should probably have celebrated it last weekend just in case but I guess even I hold a level of pessimism about whether or not we will in fact take the plunge. 

I know what you may be thinking... If you've made preparations for your birthday then what was the point in everything you have done in anticipation for Friday? And in answer to your queries I initially agreed with you and then spent the afternoon feeding in logic to preparing for both. 

The logic I came up with? I'm preparing myself for every eventuality because I'm that organised. Yes I have once again managed to justify my logic in such a way that has me looking like I'm a winner. 

You see, even though I am convinced that this Friday will be different to other end of world dates, it would mighty small minded of me to just assume it will happen for definite. As such I am also making alternate plans. 

Also... It's my birthday, and I like birthdays. They're fun and remind me that I'm getting closer to being that older woman who can talk and sing to herself whilst sitting at a bus stop and people allow me because they think "bless her she's just senile." 

This part of my life is going to be my finest point. I have soooo many plans about what kind of crap I will be able to get away with due to my advanced age. Here are a few I have dreamt of:

1: I get to dye my hair light pink or purple and it is deemed as stylish. 

2: I get to wear a hairnet to bed even though I have no clue what purpose they are for. 

3: I get to overly criticise the youths of the day and tut loudly, muttering words like "disgraceful" and "far too slutty for my liking," knowing full well they can hear me. 

4: I once was sitting in McDonalds with Older-Brother-Glyn and we watched an old lady dance around the floor shouting at people and singing and no one batted an eyelid because apparently she had lived enough years of her life to qualify that kind of behaviour. Both Older-Brother-Glyn and I envied her for that and imagined fondly of a time when we too will earn such a privilege. 

5: I get to have one of those shopping bags on wheels that I can shuffle behind as slowly as I like no matter how busy the high street may be. 

6: I would very much like a cane that I can use to poke people with when they get in my way. 

7: I get to have an electric buggy which is like my own personalised car that I can drive on the pavement.

8: I can get away with forgetting anything I don't really want to remember like days out with people I don't like or commitments that I don't really want to carry through. 

9: I really want one of those horns people use to stick in their ears to help them hear better... I appreciate that nowadays people just use hearing aids but when they tell me that I'll just tell them to hush and respect their elders. 

10: I will never have to stand up on public transport again. People will always give me a seat. 

So yes, the apocalypse may happen... But if it doesn't and I'm fortunate to reach that age... Man, I am going to enjoy the hell out of it. 

Peace out my lovelies. 

Ahem...

I'm feeling awkward and exposed about the previous post so here's a picture of a otter that I think looks awesome.

Ha ha, it's like he's laughing... like a real person.

Love it.

And now for something completely different.

There's a certain aspect about my life that I really haven't put forward on this blog. There are two reasons for this,

1. Because I am unbelievably chicken and completely "male" when it comes to being honest about my emotions.

2. Because I generally try and keep this blog a safe and humorous place where people can come to laugh, including me.

However, after reading the honesty that falls from other blogger's words, bloggers like The Bloggess and Hyperbole and a Half and due to the fact that I feel I owe it to myself to at least embrace on here a large part of my being, I have decided to share with you the side of me that I have been suffering with for a little over 5 years now.

My reasons for this are to help myself by putting my current emotions and state of mind out in the open, writing has always been a very strong and positive form of therapy for me. Also, maybe through my words, there are others that might get something out of it by not feeling so alone in the emotions they too may be feeling.

So here goes, for the past 5 years I have suffered from a rather annoying but very real episode of depression. This is something that comes and goes in spouts of when it feels like it. Three years ago I had a breakdown that will forever be known as the biggest low point of the sodding illness. I say "forever be known" with a great deal of optimism and hope that no matter how bad the future gets I will not have to reach the depths I reached then.

A lot has changed since that point, instead of being ashamed and overwhelmed by the painful chest and grippling emotions that threaten to engulf my chest on a frequent basis, I have learnt to cope with it. I have learnt that no matter how crappy the road that my emotions take me on is, and no matter how much I am not able to pull myself out of the current funk I am in, I will come out the other side at some point.

For those of you who might not be aware of the symptoms that fall under the title "depression" I can only tell you my own experience. So without further ado, I give you

Depression explained:

Most of the time for me my depression will breed out of uncertainty in my life, either through panic that I might not be capable of doing something, or in a massive change in my circumstance and loss of a routine I am used to, or - and this is the one that hits home most of all - an overwhelming (and usually quite unsubstantiated) feeling of guilt.

Guilt has been my master for goodness knows how long. I just simply don't deal well with it. And the bitch of it is guilt will quite often rear it's ugly head when there is actually no need for it. An example of this was when I was recovering a couple of years ago, I went out with some friends at work, did a bit of bowling and went home. The next morning I woke up and was convinced that I had done something the night before that consitituted a need to feel guilty. This, my friends, is ridiculous. I had behaved myself, played and few games and even managed to have a good time but the guilt in my life is a bastard that bugs me for no apparent reason.

Nowadays, since I learnt that it wasn't the worst sin in the world to suffer from depression, I have gained a lot more control over my guilt. It now tends to wait until it might have something to go on, like I forgot to bring something in for someone at work or I said something sarcastic that someone may have taken me seriously on. As such I don't become completely controlled by it on a regular basis but it still can grab me by the rib cage and knock me about sometimes.

Regardless of what it is that is the factor for becoming depressed the end result is still the same. For me it feels like a physical pain in my chest. It hurts constantly. I wake up with this pain and continue for the rest of the day, whether it be a good or a bad one, with it constantly bearing down on me.

I have learnt a lot of ways of how to deal with this pain when I have it and take the opinion that I won't let it control me. As such, even though I cannot control when and where the symptoms are going to strike, when they do I am ready and have my coping mechanisms in place.

Even though this is now the case, it doesn't stop the fact that the whole thing sucks. It causes you to want to cry at really innappropriate times and places. It makes you unmotivated and paranoid. It causes you to behave even more neurotic than you usually feel even though your mind is telling you that the logic causing your body into a full blown panic attack is actually crap to begin with.

Through my illness I have been so grateful to those friends who have endured me and let me panic and freak out and disappear off the chart when I need to and not read anything malicious into it. I'm grateful to my parents for picking me up, loving me unconditionally and dealing with me when I had to move back in with them three years ago and was at my very worst. I'm grateful for Oldest-Friend-Cafrin who seems to know exactly when I need a visit from her and The-Goddaughter because nothing makes me happier than spending time with those two. I'm grateful to One-And-Only-Daniela who graciously talks crap about her life on the phone to me when I'm having a panic attack and I need someone to distract my mind. I'm grateful to Rachael-And-Claire-The-Bullies who have been there almost from the beginning and have always been so understanding of my crappy tendencies to attempt to self destruct and still know that at the end of the day, all I need is people to be sarcastic and funny with in order to take my mind off the whole crapness of it.

I talk about my friends a lot on this thing, they all have centre place because they are all awesome and mean so much to me. As such, my life is as it is because of the friends in it so why wouldn't every post I write have something to say about each one of them? I'm an incredibly sarcastic and emotionally stunted person most of the time, but just occasionally I feel the need to say the thing that I hope my friends see as a given. They mean so much to me and I am unbelievably grateful for their freindship.

And finally, I'm grateful for this world of internet bloggers who are so honest with their emotions and feelings that they give me the strength to be able to express the way I am as well as giving me a smile when I need it the most. I found this hidden world of interneters 10 months ago and I can't tell you how it is has helped me to laugh at what you all have to say and feel the community in the posts and the comments of those around.

So yes I suffer from depression, and yes I probably will continue to on and off for the remainder of my life, but I still find myself blessed. I still am honoured to know you all, and I want to thank you, (if I know you personally or only internetually) for brightening up my life.

Much love

Lisa

Thomas the 'Dank' engine more like... Yeah that's right, I went there.

A lot  of people seem to be talking about Thomas the Tank Engine lately. I've seen it in tweets and Facebook statuses, I've even caught it being brought up in real life conversations. 

On all of these occasions, one factor stays the same, people really seem to like the guy. This upsets me. 

Thomas the Tank Engine is not a nice train guys. He may come across as pleasant and jolly and always smiling but I assure you, that little blue engine is compensating for something... he is trying too hard. 

A lot of my issues stem from the fact that, being a frequent commuter, I don't trust there is anything remotely good about any trains. That alone would be fine. We commuters know they're bad, they act bad. Cut and dry. Simple as that. 

However, this is where Thomas pisses me right off. Because he doesn't follow suit. He pretends that he's good and helpful and friendly with all his other jolly train friends. Why? 

The only conclusion I can come to is that Thomas the Tank Engine and chums are hiding something. Something sinister. They try their very hardest to appear joyous and entertaining but late at night as they all say goodnight and the Fat Controller tucks them into their little garages...

I haven't gotten as far as to work out what it is that the trains are up to but I have my suspicions and all of them result in the same conclusion, Thomas and friends are pure evil. 

I've been working on this theory for a little over a month now. It has been over this month however that people have suddenly started to express their love internetually for Thomas. I can only conclude that this means I am on the right tracks (pun intended) and they are now working overtime to keep his name clean. 

Who's "they"? I hear you ask? Well, I don't know for sure but what I am 80% sure of is it involves a gang devoted to animal sacrifices and a bit of dabbling in cannibalism. 

I began my feud with Thomas a month ago and I will publicly go forth with this until I bring justice and personally destroy the evil they have been subconsciously feeding into our brains since childhood. 

For those of you shaking your head and reaching for the "that's just bizarre" box below, I agree this may be one of the more outrageous claims I have made but it doesn't make it any less likely to be possibly true. 

To those who agree with me, make covert contact with me and I'll tell you the password, handshake and underground location of my super secret society. 

Peace out my lovelies and have an awesome weekend. 

The zombies are here.

Work-Buddy-James and I went out to lunch today. The following conversation happened in the car after a pissed off Work-Buddy-James was cut up by the third car in the space of two minutes. 

WBJ: What the hell is wrong with you??
Me: I get a feeling that they're not going to answer that... I don't think they can hear you. 
WBJ: I swear the whole world has gone crazy this week. It's like everyone's caught a disease that makes them stupid. 

(A car slows down in front of us and WBJ yells out a few expletives whilst speeding up and overtaking.) 

Me: I don't like being in a car with you when you're angry. It makes me think that I'm not going to live for much longer. 
WBJ: What are you talking about? I'm a perfectly safe driver!
Me: (Holding onto the seat by my fingernails, staring straight ahead) Uhuh, I feel perfectly confident that I will get to our destination safely. 
WBJ: It's not me! It everyone else, all week people have been behaving like idiots. It's like they've caught some bug. 
Me: (Stops and turns slowly to face WBJ) James. You know what this might mean?
WBJ: The apocalypse?
Me: Exactly. 
WBJ: I thought that too. How many days do we have?
Me: Nine. Which is probably enough days to fully occupy the world if they had started it this week.
WBJ: Wait, who started what?
Me: The zombies! That's what's happening to the world right now. People are slowly turning. It makes sense, zombies really aren't that bright. 
WBJ: (Gasps) It's just like Shaun of the Dead had foretold it. What if we become the only ones left?
Me: I don't see that happening, I'm not the only one building a house on sticks and sleeping with a machete under my pillow. 
WBJ: I don't want to live in the trees. What if I need to get down for any reason? I'd prefer to be locked in a house. 
Me: It is a house. It's just up on sticks so the zombies can't get to it. I'm working on a big enough supply to last me in terms of food for a while. I certainly have enough to last until a week tomorrow when we'll all disappear anyway. 
WBJ: Oh. You've thought about this a lot more than me. 
Me: Which is why, should we get separated, you will inevitably get bitten and turned... Or eaten. 
WBJ: Nah, I'd fight them off with brute strength... Or I'll just be so lazy and clueless that I'll crash at home and not even notice that zombies were even here. 
Me: My money's on the last option. 
WBJ: (Pauses) Mine too. 

So there you have it people. We all think that we are getting mass colds and sickness but really the world is slowly turning into zombies, one cell at a time. 

It's time to make a stand. From now on, none of you must allow anyone, friend, foe, or random stranger in the street, to bite you at all. Not even a little bit. I know the sacrifice is a big one to ask, but guys, it's just not worth the risk. 

Keep to shaking hands, a possible kiss on the cheek, but only if the rule is the mouth must stay closed at all times. Should you find the temptation too high then don't even attempt it and use a wave as a form of greeting instead. 

Be strong guys and together we can beat this. 

Also, you need to be ready to decapitate friends, loved ones and family. That might suck but it'll be worth it in the long run down to the fact that you will be living and not wanting to eat human brains. 

If you already have a fetish for eating human brains then chances are you have already turned. If you have always had a fetish for human brains then get yourself to a lab, you might be patient zero and the possible cure to complete zombie world domination. 

Also, if you find yourself limping all of a sudden, drawling with half your face slumped, your skin turning a light shade of green, and a sudden urge to moan a lot then you also may have turned... Or you're having a stroke... I'm not too sure how to help you tell the difference between those two actually, you're just going to have to use your own judgement. 

I'm going to go and make the finishing touches to my new home and move in. Speak soon and good luck not turning into a monster before we all disappear forever!

Peace out my lovelies. 

Younger-Brother-Daniel may start to beat me at internet domination.

Younger-Brother-Daniel has done another video. This time he took one of the vlogs performed by the one and only You Tube legend that is John Green and put scripted animation to it. Check it out.



He had a whole phone conversation with me today and then threw an off beat comment somewhere near the end about the fact that he had done this video. I said I'd watch it and we said goodbye.

After watching it and loving it, the following text conversation happened:

Younger-Brother-Daniel has been shortened to YBD

Me: That vid was amazing. Have you sent it to John as a video response?

YBD: He's seen it, i sent him an email asking if i could use the audio, and then again when it was done he said he was gonna try and tweet it.

Me: Wait. He wrote back to you and said he would tweet it?

YBD: Said he was gonna TRY and tweet it, so i don't think its a definite, but yeah he wrote back, said he really liked it :-)

Me: Oh my days. That's huge!! When did that happen?

YBD: Today, i think it was late at night when he sent me the email for him though.

Me: Oh my days Daniel. You're a recognised nerdfighter. JOHN GREEN KNOWS YOU EXIST!!!!!! How did you last that entire phone conversation without bursting out with that little nugget?

YBD: Ha, cause nothing may come of it, don't wanna build it up too much in my head. And i didn't know if i could bare the screeching excitement i imagine is going on right now from your mouth:-)

Me: Daniel. John Green maybe thinking about you right now. There is no way you could possibly build that up bigger than it actually is.

YBD: Ha! loser.

Yes. That actually happened.

For those of you who don't know who John Green is... You guys really need to stop having a real life and spend more time procrastinating on the Internet because there is a whole world of mind numbing yet hilariously entertaining things you are missing out on. An example of John is here (it's old but one of my favs):



The link to his channel is here.

And another video that has nothing to do with him except I found it on YouTube as well this week is here.



You're welcome and good night.

Peace out my lovelies.

The upcoming apocalypse: Where you should be progressed to now.

We have now entered the month of November, otherwise known as the month when the world will end... Possibly... Kinda... I think. 

As such I thought I might show off my expertise once more in the world of surviving the apocalypse. Trust me, you'll thank me later... Possibly... Kinda... I think. 

Okay, so now that we are officially 11 days away, let me provide you with a checklist of things that should be completed by now in order for you to succeed maximum preparation. 

1. You have established a relationship and regular interaction with the people you are sure will be joining you when the rapture comes.

Hell goers: You should now have identified the perfect companion to hang around with once you are in hell. By this point you should have made initial contact, possibly by contacting the prison warden and passing a letter through to them. If you have taken this route then you should have started to gain this person's trust, slipping in photos with the letters that show the intricate tattoo you have been carving onto your body, showing a clear map of the prison grounds and suggesting that there might be a way out of where they are (there's no reason to tell them the way out is probably via hell, it'll just bum them out and they'll probably take it the wrong way anyway).

Whatever you do, make sure you offer them everything they want. The important thing here is to become their most reliable friend. It doesn't matter if you can't deliver on your promises because it won't matter in 11 days anyway and they're locked up so they'll hardly be in a rush to get what they need. 

What you want to achieve is the intent to have been an awesome friend because that's what they're going to remember when you get down there. 

Heaven goers: There really isn't much more you need to do in terms of making friends because, regardless, people are going to be loving you once you get up there anyway so you might as well just catch up on some extra sleep and finish that Sudoku puzzle book you've had sitting in your house for the past three years. 

2. You have finished writing your bucket list and are now working through the thing chronologically.

The most important thing about creating this bucket list is that you have made the goals realistic. You do only have 11 days left, so if you do have a large list, you should be at least two thirds through it by now. 

Also you need to make sure your goals won't get in the way of your preparations for your new home. For example: if you are going to heaven, it would be inadvisable to put something on your list like "drown a bunch of kittens in a large bucket" as this act might ruin your chances of getting into heaven and it is getting too late to only start preparing for hell now... I feel it is important to point out to anyone who may indeed be planning to drown kittens or something of that equivalent that you might want to recheck your guarantee into heaven. There may be a chance that you are deluding yourself... Unless you have a genuine reason, then who am I to judge?

All in all, you should probably only have enough time for about 11-12 more goals on your list, so if you have more I'd begin to prioritise. 

3. Start getting comfortable with being naked in public.

By now you should have ventured out and made at least three attempts of being publicly nude. For some reason, one of the consistent rules in reading about any rapture is that humans are allowed to go to heaven and hell but clothes are not. As such you will be naked from the 12th November onwards so you need to start preparing yourself for that. 

Another thing to consider are any embarrassing tan lines that you may have. Or whether you are tanned at all. Hell goers: this might not be as much of an issue because after one day, chances are you will have all been toasted to the same crisp colour but if you want to avoid that embarrassing first couple of moments then perhaps buy some sun bed appointments? Or even fake tan?

Really examine how you will look naked when you get to where you're going. There will be a lot of people in the same boat as you and just imagine how amazing you would feel if you were the one person that had prepared? That would be awesome. You could lord it over everyone there. 

Above all you need to ensure you are comfortable in your skin. Whichever way you go, you are going to have a lot of new things to concentrate on and the last thing you need is to be distracted by the embarrassment of being naked. 

Okay so, if you have all of this in hand then you are well and truly on your way to being prepared and well done, if not then... There is still hope, it just may be a little more hectic for you for the next week. Good luck!!

Peace out my lovelies.