Sunday, 15 April 2012

Random-Stranger: So answer me honestly, is this not the best night of your whole entire life? ... Me: Yes. Yes it is.

Ladies and gents. Those of you who were playing my little game on twitter will know that last night I was part of a highly secretive thing that I'm not allowed to talk about otherwise I might be viciously killed in some kind of gangster related crime that will be all over the papers tomorrow but hidden behind the excuse that I was romantically involved with the gang leader and then cheated on him with the leader of the opposite gang... or something like that.

I have decided however that I will tell you all where I went last night under my rights as a live reporter etc and so forth... however, if I do die in a gang related crime and they claim it was for the reasons above then I rely on you guys to get the real story out.

Last night at 6pm One-And-Only-Daniela and I dressed up to the nines... in our usual clothing... that we got from a costume shop... and wearing makeup that in no way was over the top for the times we are living in.

We had a post code and a time for a secret rendezvous, we didn't know much but we knew it was under a bridge, we had to bring a book, a flower and be all dolled up like two dames looking to have a swell time out on the town. Being the dumb broads that we were, we forgot the book and the flower but we came dressed to impress, wavy hair, headbands, beauty spots and all.

We arrived at this secret rendezvous and what we saw was simply awesome. Everyone dressed up to the nines in authentic 1920's dresses for the ladies and full on gangster suits for the gents. Under the bridge were people shouting at each other in thick New York accents. As soon as we arrived, a man came sidling over to us with a pin striped brown suit on and started asking us if we knew Dandy Dan and whether us fine dames had arrived here with him. Naturally, we said that we had no clue where he was and we had only just arrived ourselves. Of course because the man was talking to us in a thick New York accent, we both sounded like the most posh people you'd ever met in comparison.

The man proceeded to tell us to wait there as he was going to find Dandy Dan and introduce us. He went on to say that 'Dandy' would love to have us in his team and that he would be back. Off he went and our attention was momentarily taken by the man in slacks, braces, a tacky shirt and a flat cap who was waving newspapers around whilst standing on a box and shouting "Extra Extra! Read all about it! Another murder has taken place." Next thing we knew a woman with short black frizzy hair and more make up than us combined leaned in and said "Can you believe it? I can't believe what has happened to this town, it's gone straight to the dogs." Another woman from the other side chipped in, "I hear you doll, this used to be a nice town, not like now with all these hoodlums walking around."

It was at this point that I turned to One-And-Only-Daniela and simply said "This is the best thing ever."

Suddenly a group of men came bursting out of a side door, demanding to know where Dandy Dan's men were. From around the corner came Dandy Dan and another group of men and they proceeded to fight each other, throwing men over their shoulders, putting others head first into a trash can. They all eventually ran off hoisting up a few men in the air and carrying them away.

This was the point when a woman in a high New York voice came waddling over to us.

"Are you girls waiting for Dandy Dan?"

"Apparently." I said.

She held out her hand for us to shake. "Hi toots, I'm Lena Marelli. You've probably heard of me, I'm a big star you know. I'm also Dandy Dan's lady and he's asked me to show you into the club. Follow me girls and you won't get lost."

Lena waddled off again and we hurried to catch up with her.

"How much are you tempted to start speaking in an American accent?" I asked One-And-Only-Daniela.

"I'd be crap at it."

"I know, so would I."

"Still... it is tempting."

Half way down the road, Lena was babbling on to us and several others who had now joined our group. Suddenly she yelled out, "There he is! Look honey, I got your people, just like you asked."

Dandy Dan glided over to us, a tooth pick permanently stuck in his tooth and wearing a dapper grey pin striped suit with matching hat.

"Thanks toots." He turned to look at us. "Listen, when you get in there, I want you to wait for me down in my gym, I gots some things I need to discuss with you before you go in."

One-And-Only-Daniela and I simply grinned like cheshire cats and nodded dumbly back at him whilst whispering to each other "This is so cool!"

Dandy Dan sauntered off ahead of us and we continued to follow Lena. Once we got to the queue, she turned to us, said her goodbyes and waddled off.

Once we were inside, we were directed to a small room underground where Dandy Dan was waiting for us. He told us that we were about to enter the Speakeasy of one of his most hated enemies, Fat Sam. As such, we needed to ensure we had our wits about us and that he was going to need our help to defeat him. He asked us to meet in his gym in 20 minutes as he had a plan. He then opened the door for us and we were in a 1920's gym. He reminded us to meet him here, and showed us to the stairs which was the entrance to the Speakeasy. Moments later we entered the massive room that was officially Fat Sam's Grand Slam.

If you aren't aware of what film this whole night is based on yet then let me firstly say "Seriously????" and then throw in the next hour in simple bullet point clues.

1. The first drink we had was called a Tallulah Twist

2. A big built guy introduced himself to me as Fat Sam and told me he would like to call me legs. (FYI, this one I couldn't contain by excitement over, One-And-Only-Daniela was busy with her phone and hadn't noticed him sitting next to me, I simply grabbed her by the arm and squealed "Daniela! The actual real live Fat Sam is sitting next me and I think he's flirting! How amazing is that?" One-And-Only-Daniela immediately put away her phone and joined me as we both smiled our biggest smiles at Fat Sam. I hastily introduced One-And-Only-Daniela and she giggled in response to his compliments.

Fat Sam then asked me if I was a tap dancer, I immediately answered yes (I've never tapped in my life) and he encouraged us both to come and audition later in the night. (We did... with about 50 other people, under bright lights... my dress was a little bit see through, I'm guessing everyone found out what underwear I was wearing after that.)

3. There were dancers in very tight clothing with feathers in their hair.

4. One of these dancers, in between songs, came storming past our table with another man chasing after her. He was begging her for another chance, she eventually caved in and said he could have one last chance and if he screwed it up then she was done with him. He kissed her hand, walked away and the woman turned to us and said "That Bugsy, he thinks he's so slick." Both One-And-Only-Daniela and I shot round to look at the man again, mouths open in shock. This, of course, just caused THE Bugsy Malone (and when I say 'THE' of course I mean that these were all real people and that there were no actors at all... we actually did go back in time last night... sssh, it happened) ... wait where was I? Oh yes, this caused (say it with me people) THE Bugsy Malone to storm back over to us and demand to know what the dancer had said to us and whether she had been bad mouthing him. I naturally told him that she had said he was awesome (I may have found a more 1920's word than that) and that she was a lucky dame to have a fella like him. He said thanks and then shook my hand (which I will never wash again) and went on his way.


It was the most fun I have ever had. All of this was brought to us with the songs being sung live as well, rumbles happening regularly. We were then ushered to the side of the room that had been turned into a Casino, which Dandy Dan naturally rumbled as well. We were all told to duck as splurge guns were shot into the air.

After this, the purpose of why we were all here happened, a screen slid down and the film came on. We all sat and watched Bugsy Malone whilst singing at the top of our lungs.

I went to the loo halfway through, came out of the cubicle to see in front of me the same thing I see every time I go out, ladies touching up their make up and fluffing their hair, only this time everyone was dressed in 1920's clothing and it was the feathers in their hair they were fluffing and the beauty spots they were touching up. I had to, at this point, turn to the woman next to me and simply say "This is the most surreal bathroom I have ever been in." She raised her eyebrows and said "Tell me about it."

At the end of the movie, as the final showdown starts to happen, waterproof macs were handed out for everyone to put on and paper plates were given to everyone with foam applied generously on top. As the Speakeasy in the movie is invaded, men came running into our Speakeasy and started shooting splurge guns everywhere, One-And-Only-Daniela and I of course proceeded to smother each others faces in foam whilst throwing each other into the eye line of a gangster with a splurge gun.

Want to see pictures? Of course you do.

To say that I had an awesome time doesn't really cover it. It was the weirdest, most bizarre night of my life and I loved every single second of it. I'd tell you more about it but it's meant to be a secret and I don't want to break any rules by talking about it...

Peace out my lovelies.

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