Tuesday, 16 September 2014

The woes of a first world woman.

As you may have heard (on account of the fact that I haven't shut up about it), I've recently moved house. I also absolutely love the new place I now live in. It's beautiful... with the exception of just two little tiny things that are both starting to drive me to the point where I might randomly punch someone in the street... you know, really small stuff.

Thing No 1 is that, for the past two and bit weeks of living in this flat I have not had a mattress on my bed. My bed has this lovely metallic frame with metallic pipes that cross the bottom of the frame... these pipes, I'm going to assume, were not designed for sleeping on. When the person who created the bed frame put it together, I would bet that they had designed the whole thing to go hand in hand with a mattress to create an overall comfortable nights sleep. If they didn't, they're into some pain pleasure stuff that does not work for me.

There have basically been a whole series of complications on my end to get a mattress in the room. However, this Friday, it is finally happening. The lovely people from Ikea are turning up at the flat with a mattress in tow and they will be furnishing my bed frame with all its springy goodness. I cannot wait. I'm beginning to  forget what it's like to have a good night's sleep that doesn't involve waking up with random bruises all over my legs and arms (and on one occasion, forehead) as well as massaging an increasingly aching back.

Just to be clear, I haven't just been sleeping on the poles directly... that would be ridiculous on account of all the falling through the gaps I'd be doing. Instead, I have fashioned a particularly inventive mattress type design, consisting of four flat cardboard boxes, 3 duvets, 2 cushions, 3 pillows, 2 throws, 1 thin mattress from a zed bed (I believe the Americans call them cots), and a particularly cushiony mattress protector. All in all, it's about 5 layers deep and began by being a fairly decent thing to sleep on, but I'm getting to a point now where the cardboard boxes are drooping into the spaces between the poles, the duvets have lost all previous toggage that might have been there when first purchased and I think there's a black hole where 2 of the 3 pillows and 1 of the cushions have fallen into because I can't find them anywhere. Yes, this Friday could not come quick enough...

Thing No 2 is the unexpected  and highly annoying roommate I have acquired since moving in... No, not One-And-Only-Daniela, I can deal with her, this roommate is a lot smaller and a lot sneakier.

Somewhere in my room, there is a gnat who is feasting on my flesh and blood whilst I sleep. Every morning, I am finding new and exciting ways that my body itches. I woke up on Sunday with, and I kid you not because I counted three times just to check, 18 new gnat bites all over my body. This thing is ruthless. It just won't leave me alone. And it is very very clever, because I have only seen it once, and that was just as it flew away, giving me the finger as it went. I'm not kidding, there was gnat sized maniacal laughter coming from its direction. It taunts me. I am a 28 year old woman who is being bullied by a gnat and I am powerless to stop it.

My skin is rubbish when it comes to reacting to gnat bites. It just falls off in my hand as if I were a leper of some kind. This has resulted in scabs all over my body, making myself look highly irresistible to all those around me and not at all like I have some form of fatal and contagious disease... which I don't think is what is happening... unless there is no gnat and I should probably go see a Dermatologist or something to check I don't have the plague... If I do... My bad, I've probably infected pretty much everyone in the Kensington area... I bet you're all ecstatic I came to live with you.

Anywho, Friday I shall have a new mattress and I might even celebrate by going out and buying bug spray for my first night sleeping on something that doesn't threaten to snap my spine in half. Huzzah, what an awesome weekend planned.

Peace out my lovelies.

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