Friday, 1 August 2014

Well, that went south very quickly...

So, I happened to notice on facebook that a couple of my friends had been typing their names into the urban dictionary to see what the urban definition of their name is.

Immediately intrigued, I typed my name in to see what came up. What occurred next was a whirlwind of emotions that I wasn't quite prepared for on a Friday lunchtime activity...

I open up my Urban dictionary, type in my name and come across this:

To say that my ego was suitably stroked would be an understatement. I had no idea that in urban circles I represented such a highly admired group of people... Not to mention, I got called 'Chica!' I read this and felt resolved to make all people refer to me as chica from now on.

On reading the second description, I spent a small amount of time running through the previous Davids in my life and trying to work out if I classified them as weird or not. I couldn't really think of any but then noticed that that fitted in with the rest of the definition as these Davids probably had done nothing for me so logically I wouldn't remember them... and then I blushed because the definition called me 'luscious'... Chica and luscious are both names never mentioned to me before but I am very excited about being used in the future.

Feeling empowered, I continued on with the next definition.

Smart, sexy, great hair and great face?? How am I only just being made aware of this now? Surely, by these standards, I should be some kind of model superstar having people swoon over me whilst I am chased down by the paparazzi. It was also nice to read confirmation that I wasn't a slut. I was pretty convinced of this anyway, but sometimes you just need someone else to say it as well, you know? As far as my phone ringing and travelling states for parties... I can't say I've experienced too much of this, but I imagine it's just because I haven't told enough people my name. Once it's more well known, there will be no stopping me and my "blessed good genes."

The next definition, although still complimentary, had lost a little of its fervour:

This was the first one that had added a caveat in case there happened to be any 'non-hot' Lisas in the world. It was sensible and covered all bases, but it did lead me to wonder if I still classed as one of the hot ones...

I should have taken it and stopped there however, because what happened next... well. Aside from the contradiction in the next statements that almost made my brain explode trying to combine together with the previous definitions, I also began to feel a deep seeded despair. I mean, if it's in the urban dictionary, then it must be true:

This struck me as a pretty indecisive definition... almost like it wasn't written by an Urban professional... I could only deduce by this that I was a type of person who would piss someone off to begin with due to my lack of wanting to party (despite the fact that I travel places to party as well) but somehow win them round with my general okayness that seems to be so charming in a really non specific 'don't know her because she won't attend my parties' kind of way. It cut me a little, but again, I felt that I could accept this side of me.

But then:

... I have just one question to ask my loved ones at this moment, why on earth did no one tell me my face shared similarities to a horse? I understand if you wanted to spare my feelings, but come on! People clearly are beginning to notice and it's being advertised on the internet for all to see! For other Lisas who might be reading this, what did you do about your general horselike look? Should we accept it and wear it proudly? Is there a good plastic surgeon you can recommend that might help make us look more human? I feel like I should now be taking action on this, but I don't know where to start. Maybe we could all meet up and protest on the prejudice against Lisas who look like horses. We can't help it. We didn't name ourselves. And anyway, apparently the horse face is still hot because of the previous definitions... wow, I had no idea so many people found horses attractive... perhaps there's nothing we actually need to do, other Lisas. It would appear that we've lucked out with a rather attractive and majestic animal.

Now... the second definition in this section... as I am not yet anyone's baby mama, I assume that this is something that I will only have to look forward to in my future... I'm not going to lie, I had hoped for a little bit of a more positive lifestyle than what was outlined, but clearly I have no choice.

The next definition may include words of the swearing variety which will be a first in this blog. I do apologise, although I think the words probably offended me more than they will you... unless you are also called Lisa, and in that case, my condolences. We will get through this together.

"Don't be a Lisa". Ouch.

To all my friends and loved ones, I am so sorry for breaking your spirits so badly. To be honest, I had thought that loving you all loads and being too lazy and passive to get into any confrontation had been good things to have in relationships, but clearly I've been offending everyone... I had no idea I was such a bitch, but I'm going to start working on it. This has all been very eye opening.

People have started calling HPV that now??? Or has this been something that's been happening for years? Wait, Marmie and Father, please don't tell me that you named me after an STD?? No wonder I haven't dated a guy in years, they probably think I'm riddled!! ... I'm not, by the way... Dammit. I'm going to have to start adding that into my introductions to all new potential dates... "Hi, my name's Lisa, but don't worry! I'm one of the few that isn't carrying crabs." And even then, what's the likelihood that they'll believe me? Especially when they have such a credible source to refer to...

And then lastly:

Bad grammar aside (seriously, apart? And you write for a dictionary? Never in my life have I been so shocked) this definition I think revealed the most that I didn't know about me. For example, I was certain that I was born in Great Britain, but clearly I will need to have a chat with The-Parents at some point about that lie. Also, horses and gorillas? What kind of half breed are we? I'm no longer offended but slightly proud. As for the half naked photos... I had a quick look and found this from my brother's wedding last week:

I think this is where the confusion has come in. I feel I need to clarify things. Guys, I did not attend my brother's wedding naked (despite the fears that I might have to when I could fit into the dress). The dress was strapless, my clothes are on... I promise. I'm sorry for any inconvenience caused and I want to make perfectly clear that this photo, by no means, suggests that I would then "cheat on my boyfriend" or that I'm in any way a "big slut or bitch." Once again, sorry I should have been more clear.

Despite the promising start to this little exercise, I've definitely had better dictionary reading experiences. It's given me a lot to think about and I will have to go and do a bit of soul searching... maybe even befriend a horse or monkey as it would appear they are closer family than I thought... although technically we're all descendants of monkeys, so I'm not quite sure why the Lisas have been singled out... if it helps, I'll try to cut down on my house ransacking to let the bad reputation simmer down a little bit.

Not a Fancy Things Friday this week, but it was too good not to share. Try out yours, yourself... just have some tissues ready and prepare yourself for some pretty earth shattering truth bombs that will be coming your way...

Peace out my lovelies

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