Friday, 17 May 2013

Breaking news! Well, it is for me... at the most, you might find it mildly interesting... you're welcome.

It's been brought to my attention recently, that I am the teensiest hard on myself... I don't know why people insist on telling me this, but for some reason, especially in the past couple of weeks, this seems to be the theme of people's thoughts when discussing me.

I'm not saying that this is something that people do all the time; discuss me. More like, I've had maybe more than two people say it to me in as many weeks and so it has been mentioned enough times for me to actually process it.

I have no idea what they are talking about personally. I mean, I feel it is perfectly normal for a person to expect that they can write and publish a book, save £6k in 6 weeks and tie up loose ends in the country they live in, so that they can disappear abroad for 6 months, all the while undergoing 12 weeks of therapy that intends to delve into their deepest darkest phobias and insecurities, bring them all to the surface and then pick them apart, until there is nothing left but a carcass of feelings and emotions within an empty shell of a human being... however, after being told this for long enough, I have come to realise that it probably is a good idea for me to give up at least one of these things... apparently, if I don't, then there's a chance that I might self combust and that just isn't pleasant for The-Family I live with to tidy up.

So I have looked into the whole 'giving up something' area realistically and, given that I have finally started these therapy sessions after being on the waiting list for 2 years (people outside the UK, yes the NHS system is usually awesome in the sense that, should I get knocked down by a bus next week and miraculously survive this, I won't end up with bills that will permanently bankrupt me for the remainder of my physically altered life; but in the context of actually getting treatment that isn't qualified as life-threatening, the NHS does have it's long drawn out drawbacks), I decided that I was not prepared to stop these. I have already done the whole publishing of my book... so I can't really cross that long term dream off my to-do list, as it is very much in the process of 'being done.'

This has left me with the heartbreakingly reality that I will have to give up the only other option... after 6 months of preparations and anticipation, I have had to put off my trip to America. Yes ladies and gents, I am no longer disappearing State side in July, instead I will be staying in my little town of London and work on the whole 'having money and enjoying it' thing.

As much as I really didn't want to make this decision in the long run, and fought against it with every fibre of my being, since I have said the words out loud and withdrawn my sabbatical application at work, I have found myself surprisingly elated... I mean, it sucks. I really wanted (and in some sense, needed) this chance to go away, but at the same time, the whole thing was becoming this amazing stressor on my life as the time approached and the things that needed to be done, hadn't been. In fact, for the past few weeks, it had become this massive strain on my life and, any time anyone asked me about it, I tended to simply groan and plead them not to remind me of it.

So, last week, I decided that I would put a pin in that little dream for a while. I'm not saying no completely, but rather, I'm just putting it on hold until I'm in a better place to actually do it and enjoy it. As such, I'm afraid to say, a lot of what I will be obsessing over now, will be to do with my book. That being said, I will endeavour to make this as entertaining as possible, because I'm generous like that...

Anywho, I bet you're all completely overwhelmed and dragging your jaws on the floor over the fact that this is the 3rd post I've uploaded in the week! I know, right? It's almost as if we've fallen back into time about two years...

Until another time,

Peace out my lovelies.

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