Tuesday, 20 November 2012

The clock is ticking...meh

I don't know if anyone had ever found themselves reaching that point in their mental state where the situation that they are in has become so far fetched and ridiculous that normal conventional emotions no longer apply...

I'm there.

Ladies and gents, in two weeks time I will no longer live in the flat I am currently residing in. The lease will be up. The rent will no longer be taken. People will be giving me my deposit back and throwing me out of the flat.

This was all fine and dandy when I initially found out that we wouldn't be renewing the lease because I just assumed that I wouldn't need to worry too much about it as I would obviously have found myself a new place to go to in plenty of time and that when it got to the point where people were coming to look at the flat and we were starting to pack boxes, I would naturally know where I was taking those boxes to...

Guys, I have no clue where I'm taking my boxes to.

Literally none.


Not a sausage.

In what is coming closer to a week and a half away, I will be what I believe the kids are calling 'homeless.'

Now, whenever I imagined a scenario where this kind of dilemma was looming over me, I always imagined that I would feel some form of dread or worry or general freak out type reaction to emanate from my person. However, I have found, now that I am facing said dilemma that there is no freak out happening. In fact, (and this is as baffling to me as I'm sure it may seem to you) I am pretty laid back about the whole thing.

Line-Manager-Monica keeps on checking with me at work to see whether I have chosen to freak out as of yet, but each time I tend to find myself shrugging and coming out with the ridiculously vomit-inducing optimistic phrase of "It'll all work out, I'm sure." (And when I say she keeps on checking, I think she was on 30 minute intervals today.)

I have several theories for this ultimate calm I am protraying...

I am a psychopath and as such, am devoid of all emotion so could not care less about the tragedies of living without a home... if this is the case then this must be a very early onset of psychopathy (yes, that's a word... kinda) that has just kicked in over the past week... wait, no... couple of days... wait, no... today, *remembers seeing that there was a new burger at McDonalds today and doing a little dance of joy in the passenger seat of the car (much to Work-Buddy-James' disdain)* ah, crap. Never mind

I am in major denial about my whole situation. I will continue to pretend that it doesn't exist right up until my landlady takes my keys away from me and leaves me on the doorstep in the rain holding a bunch of wet cardboard boxes and my 2nd hand lap top... I wonder if I sat outside the window of my flat at that point, I'd still be able to pilfer the wifi... Note to self: Check the area outside my living room window tomorrow morning for possible crouching locations.

I have become the thing I never thought possible... a die-hard optimistic that simply doesn't know a bad situation when faced with one. Instead I look at each trial and face it with a smile and a can-do attitude! *Remembers the other day when she found herself stuck behind a really slow person at the train station, tutted impatiently and fought her way round him, only to find he was blind and was feeling his way with a cane...* Ah, crap. Never mind.

I am completely blinded by the sheer amount of extra money I am going to have next month by not having to pay any rent or bills plus getting back my deposit so I can't possibly see a downside to the whole thing. I'm telling you, this is something I can't help but feel a little bit excited about... I mean, I haven't had money in what feels like... well, I'm not too sure if I've ever had money. But anywho, the idea that my entire paycheck next month will be all mine without any rent or stupid unecessary things like bills for electricity and water taking it all is such a beautiful thing, I really am struggling to find a downside.

And yes, people have said to me that when I spend that first night out in the cold with no roof over my head, the downside might hit me. But I will say to you what I said to them, it won't hit me nearly as hard as they think because I plan to make me a duvet out of £20 notes. My friend Mike actually asked me today why I chose twenties instead of fifties... can you imagine? Clearly I'm going to be using my fifties to keep my fire alive. It has that really nice purple finish to the note that will add that extra colour to my man made bonfire.

And finally...

As mentioned in the first paragraph, I am so far beyond freaking out that I have now developed a brand new emotion which consists of an empty space of no emotion whatsoever... It sounds drastic and dark, but think about it really. Wouldn't we all want that? Someone comes up to you and says to you, "Hey guess what? The world's going to end!" Instead of freaking out about it and wasting the last moments you have alive, you just shrug it off, think 'oh well.' Get the biggest loan off Wonga.com you can and sod off on holiday! There you go! A dark cassim of empty feelings doesn't sound so weird and depressing anymore, does it?

So anyway, there we go. I'm without abode in just under two weeks and the main worry in my brain appears to be whether or not I'll find somewhere with wifi access so that I can still blog and shizzle.

Actually, I might just ask my current internet provider to keep the internet running after I'm gone and I know for a fact that if I sit on the stone step out by my back door, I can still reach the wifi... The new occupants will only notice I'm there when they need to use the kitchen. And how often do people use kitchens nowadays anyway really?

Besides, with all my new cash that I will have from not paying for a place to live, I could buy a perfect camouflage outfit that will make it look like I'm just a giant bush that has blown onto their porch by the wind. Or I could even mix it up and buy me a cats costume too. I could just perch myself on their porch and occasionally lick a paw and groom myself. Who knows, they may even take pity on the stray cat and leave me out a bowl of milk or something... awesome.

I know a lot of you reading this are probably screaming at me to get a move on and try to find a place to rent rather than dreaming of different cat costumes to wear (I'd be a black cat by the way, that way I get to be a cat and blend into my surroundings). But you see, it's a little more tricky than that... I'm kinda hoping next year, in around July time to pack up my troubles in my old kit bag and head off state side for 6 months... yes that is correct. I am aiming to come to America. It's a whole thing that I've been looking into and not finalised but am telling everyone like I have finalised because then that means it's true (damn, I might be that chippy optimist after all). But as such, I really don't want to sign a contract for a new lease because then I won't be able to go and blah blah blah.

This is a lot of information that I have thrown at you, sorry about that.
Let's summarise shall we?

1. I am homeless in just under two weeks.
2. I am surprisingly zen about the whole thing.
3. I will be looking into a cat costume for using wifi so that I can still blog, tweet and read internetual things.
4. I will be coming to Kansas, America (fingers crossed) in July 2013 for 6 months. More regarding that no doubt to follow.

So with all that, I bid you adieu as I head to bedfordshire without showering because I'm too tired and also slightly gross.

Peace out my lovelies.

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