The mysterious Spaceballs

Something bizarre has been happening near where I live... It has left me rather perplexed and suspicious and such.

There's a road that I need to walk down between my flat and the train station. It's a long residential road and all down it, day and night, there are always cars parked in every given space on the curb.

A couple of months ago, on my way back from work I noticed that there was a DVD in the back of one of these cars, it was of the movie Spaceballs. You know it? It was pretty much a childhood regular in our household so the moment I saw it I immediately paused and gazed fondly at it as all the memories of my younger self watching the movie flooded back...

For those of you who don't know it, it's basically a spoof of all big science fiction movies, there's a lot of Star Wars in it, a bit of Alien, a dash of Star Trek and many others.

For the younger me, who wasn't really old enough for the Alien movies and hadn't got into the wonders of Science Fiction as of yet (yes, that does mean that I hadn't known what it was to experience true happiness) I had no clue what any of the references were about but I absolutely loved it, and the reason for this was two fold:

1. I knew it was a comedy so therefore should be funny and hence I felt I owed it to myself to laugh in all the right places otherwise I might not be considered as 'cool' or 'normal.'

2. Older-Brother-Glyn did understand the jokes and found it very funny. This happened to coincide with the time of my life when I hero worshipped my older brother and so if he found something funny then I trusted him enough to think it was funny as well.

Anywho, after a while the movie wasn't watched as much and years went by where it became only a fond memory of what was once. As I reached my late teens, I was round a friends house and saw that they had this movie. Instantly the fondness came flooding back (as it had just the other month) and I waved it excitedly in said friend's face, claiming that it was of massive importance that we immediately put the movie on so that we can have an afternoon of sheer laughter and happiness. Not to mention, I now knew what Science Fiction was and, although I had not at this point got round to watching Alien, I was aware of the references that Spaceballs used (aliens bursting out of stomachs etc and so forth), as such I just knew I would finally get to watch this movie and laugh because I actually get it rather than due to pressures of peer pressure.

Said-Friend shrugged rather uninterestedly and said that we might as well. As such, I skipped and they lulled to the lounge so that we could watch the movie.

And we watched it...

And I got ready to laugh...

And it didn't come.

I mean don't get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoyed the comfort it brought as the oh so familiar memories soared back into my brain, but that was about it. All those jokes that I didn't get the first time and assumed were funny, I got this time and realised that weren't actually as funny as I had hoped and dreamed they were. I mean, it wasn't awful but my heart still did feel like it had been broken and stomped on and I gotta say, I kind of felt betrayed. Betrayed by Spaceballs, betrayed by my own memories, betrayed my peer pressure and most of all betrayed my Older-Brother-Glyn.

So I had two choices, I could either never watch the movie again and petend that I dreamt this experience, or I could watch it over and over and over again until finally I found the tear jerking laughter I had been so badly craving.

I chose the first option. I took the DVD out of the player, and ever so calmly placed it in her alhabetised drawer. I then sat down and pretended the whole thing had never happened. (You'd think after that, I would have learnt my lesson, but a mere four years later I also did the same thing with the movie Cluedo, I remember crying myself to sleep the day my parents recorded over that movie with an episode of Ballykissangel only to buy the movie and not understand how I could have fallen for the same peer pressured mistake again... stupid Older-Brother-Glyn, it took me ages to realise he had bad taste as a child).

Anywho... that's not even the mysterious bit. Back to the journey back to my flat and the fond look I was giving the memorable spaceballs movie in the back of the car (oh the joys of selective memory). For the rest of the week I walked past that same car, parked in the same spot and smiled silently to myself as the Spaceballs DVD stared out at me.

Then one day, the car and DVD was gone... or just the DVD and the car was still there just without the DVD in it's back seat anymore. I wasn't really paying that much attention to the vehicle.

I mourned for the loss of the DVD for about a day before I forgot that it had even been there... my memory hasn't been that great lately... I blame my tendency for knocking my head on inanimate objects.

A couple of months later, I was walking to the station on the other side of the road and noticed once again that the Spaceballs DVD was back in the back seat of a car... except it wasn't the same car as the one I had seen before, it was parked in completely the wrong place and the colour was all wrong. This meant only one thing, another car in the exact same road had also not only bought this movie but had also decided that it would like to store it in the back seat of their car.

I was perplexed, I could not account for it at all. It wasn't until it happened a third time, I decided that that was it, I was quite obviously being watched and for some reason they chose this completely bizarre way to screw with me...

I haven't noticed it happen for the fourth time as of yet but we'll have to wait and see. It is a mystery and I will figure it out if it kills me...

...

Unless it is the same car but they've just parked in another spot...

...

nah.

Peace out my lovelies.

Where have I been? ... Well, sleeping mainly ... wait, no, that's not it

Throughout my life I've been awesome enough to experience all sorts of fun emotionally stunted habits that have led me to be the quirky person that I am today. One of these beautiful little nuggets has been my ability to experience nightmares on a regular basis... I am telling you, my subsoncious mind is bizarre... and ever so slightly pervy and disgusting.

Anywho, I've had the nightmare thing for about 7 years and I was pretty convinced that it was the worst thing about sleeping I could experience... until a couple of weeks ago I experienced a new joy that I can happily say trumps the prior... or is at least on par with it.

Yes, you guessed it ladies and gents... I am now officially an insomniac. Oh how wonderful the experience is, to lay awake until half five in the morning, finally fall asleep to have disgusting, perverse and terrifying nightmares only to wake up at 6am. It leaves me feeling all kinds of special throughout the day!

So my reasons for not writing in this thing? Because I don't know why.

All I do know is that I certainly felt so much better when I was writing in this thing every day and I'm going to try to let out all of my thoughts and craziness onto all you lovely people so that maybe they're not running around my head instead.

So... where to begin?

Quick catch up since the last time we spoke...

Went to Scotland to see the Parents.
Started a new cross stitch while I was there. It's of a man holding up a baby. It would be an awesome 'congrats on squeezing a baby out' present... I don't actually know anyone who is currently cooking any babies but I figure that by the time I finish it (in about three or four years) someone is bound to have gotten knocked up by then... note to self, make sure it's a couple where the dad is involved, don't want to send it to anyone in a 'look what you're missing' kind of way, that may come across as a little harsh.

Also, whilst I started the cross stitch, I wanted to make sure that I got into the right mood so I watched films like Little Women and Pride and Prejudice and yelled out 'Snap!' whenever anyone on the TV was also cross stitching... you know, to add a bit more excitement to the experience.

Got robbed and other such shenanigans
Yeah, this one should probably help in my non contact with you guys recently. One night, whilst myself and Housemate-Anna was sleeping, some lovely person decided to come into our house and steal my lap top and TV. It was a highly special moment when I woke up the following morning to find my side door open and my household contents gone.

In a rush to see if anything had been disposed of in our skips (seriously the lap top and TV were on their last legs anyway, they should have realised this almost as soon as they left the house), I ran out of the side door, carrying things that needed to be put in the skip as a way of multi tasking because I'm awesome like that, and lost my footing on the first of the stone steps. Due to my hands being full, as I fell (in what felt like slow motion) down the rest of the stone steps I landed on my arm whilst my leg simultaneously smacked on the lowest step. This resulted in the biggest gash I've ever seen on my arm and my leg to swell to twice it's size. I wasn't able to walk on it for a week.

In spite of all of that, there was no lap top or TV disposed anywhere... stupid robbers.

Have continued to be neurotic on a daily basis
So it may appear that by not telling you guys my neuroses as they happen, I'm just penting them all up into one massive neurotic mess. It's been causing me all sorts of problems, let me tell you. I've found a new way of letting them out which is via song, I am currently in the process of writing a song about relationships which I promise, should I ever complete and record, I will put on this website.

Other than that, I've been keeping with my normal neuroses, increasing my actions on others and also creating brand new ones as well so make sure I'm completely bizarre instead of just quirky... if you were wondering, below is the scale I adhere by:

Square - - Has their moments - - Quirky - - Neurotic - - Best to avoid - - Completely Bizarre - - Should probably be admitted

Feel free to assign yourself to whichever you feel best describes you. There are descriptions for each but I'll leave that for another day.

All in all it has been a while and I will endeavour to ensure that it isn't in the future.

Much love and kisses

Peace out my lovelies.

You... you... scrummy little person you.

Hey you.

Might I just say that you are looking stunning today. I mean phwoar!! Well done you for having a face like yours. You really know how to work it! And those clothes? My.days. You are one sexy and fashionable individual. As for the way you speak? Well, let's just say it gives me tingles. I mean real shivers all the way down my spine. I could listen to those dolcet tones for the rest of my life.

Don't even get me started on that thing you're really good at! Oh.wow. Seriously amazing on so many levels. I am in awe of your natural talent. I wish I could be as naturally talented as you. You are simply a genius at that thing! A.complete.genius.

Also, that thing that you're not good at? I just wish I was as good at being not good at something as you are. You totally beat me in that area. Only you could take a fault and do it to such an extreme that it becomes amazing and once again makes you the leader in your field for being bad at that one thing.

I mean seriously, do you ever get tired of being so unbelievably awesome? Do you ever wake up and think "Man, it is such a burden being me"? I'm telling you now, if I were as awesome as you I would struggle under the strain of the awesomeness. There are literally no words to describe the description of the awesomeness that you emanate.

The other day I watched you pick up that thing and thought to myself, 'One day, if I could just pick up that thing like you did, then I would be happy to die right there and then, knowing that I was dying a happy son of a gun.'

Anyway, I know you are busy being amazing and although you would never say it, on the account of you being so freakin kickass, I do not want to waste anymore of your valuable time as I know you could probably be using it to do all the out of this world things that you do... like breathing. Man, the way you do it with such ease? I have never known anyone to convert oxygen into carbon dioxide in such delicious way as you do with every second of every day.

I'll just leave you with this hidden secret that I've been carrying with me for quite some time, something that I'm not too sure I've properly expressed in the above text.

...


You rock.

And I love you.

Lisa




... Sometimes it's nice to have something nice to read.

Peace out my lovelies.

Lack of money is not a problem when you keep your standards really low.

It has come to my attention that I negated to talk about the large population of British people that in fact do not like the hot weather in my last post. There was a reason for this... I covered this topic last year and I'm nothing if not fresh and current with every new post... sometimes. However, if you would like a full picture of just how fickle our lovely collection of islands are, then please feel free to read here.

Today has been one of those days where I have found myself running around the place where I work. Or as I like to call it, my annual trip to the gym. Yes, today I have come the closest to what I constitute as exercise and I have to admit, I feel the pounds dropping off me as I talk. Not only that, but I have started this amazing new diet which is called the "No money for food" diet. All it consists of is scraping into the depths of my pockets for enough money for four cans of tuna and two packets of noodles and then looking forward the designated time of the day where I treat myself by eating. It really is a good way at creating silver linings around the depression that is the recession.

When I see the chance to eat as a treat rather than a necessity for living, it also becomes a lot better to handle. It's like... hey, I could either not eat at all today and probably not die or I could treat myself to a nice tasty bowl of tuna and feel even closer to not dying! Hurrah to me! Treats are awesome.

In case anyone is wondering, yes I did move out of the flat that sucked all my money out of my account and into a much more money friendly flat but alas the extent of the money grabbing of my last flat still demands of me that I'm less picky about my sustenance in the current climate. Have no fear however, because I have a plan in place for more work and next week I'm considering replacing the noodles for baked beans in a can with little pork sausages inside. You know, give me something new to look forward to! I may have to splash out and buy some bread for the possibility of beans on toast, however I am confident that my budget should be able to cover it. It's worth giving yourself a little treat every now and again! Oooh, I think I'm going to by Hovis bread, be really dangerous! Okay now I am mega excited for next week, it will be such an exciting time!

So this is my new outlook on life and the rubbishness of no money because bank people stole it from me... I shall instead see it as an adventure! What small excitement can I bring out of today's allocated 50p?? Oooh! Only time will tell! Come on guys, know you're excited with me! It's okay, you can show it!

Peace out my lovelies.

It ain't half hot... wishful thinking and a mind that likes to wander.

The weather has been amazeballs this week. I was reluctant to talk about this as it seems that whenever the weather gets really nice this always tends to become my topic of conversation... like I'm part of some awkward conversation with someone I don't know very well and all there is to talk about is the state of the weather which lasts for like 3 minutes max before the conversation dies out and we're left standing together in a crowded room, holding onto our drinks and shuffling our feet uncomfortably as there is literally nothing else to say. Of course this then leads to both of us glancing desperately around the room at other people's conversations and actions, hoping for all that is righteous and good in the world that someone does something embarrassing like trip over their own feet or drop an entire platter of food just so we can turn our attention to that and then begin another blissful three minutes of amusing comments over their mishap as finally someone's discomfort is bigger than ours... until those three minutes are up and there are no more witty anecdotes to make about the other random stranger so that we're back to the same uncomfortable shuffling of feet and clearing of throats, once again searching for someone else in the room, this time looking for someone who we know so that we can say "I have to go say hi to that person over there, I haven't seen them in ages!" (Secretly knowing that we came with said person and see them almost every day). And although this will be a lie, both parties are more than happy to accept it and breathe a sigh of relief as we walk off to talk to someone who won't leave us feeling comfortable and actually start enjoying ourselves...

Except it's not like that at all because I don't feel awkward with any of you, I highly enjoy our conversations and being socially awkward is completely accepted in these circles as it has to be the one thing on some level that joins us all together in one beautiful socially awkward and emotionally stunted circle.

So my actual reason for wanting to talk about the weather has little to do with small talk and is actually more about the fact that nice weather hardly ever happens in England and so when it does happen everyone is thrown into such a hurrah that it becomes the only thing that we can talk about, knowing full well that this week of gorgeous heat and blazing sunshine will probably be what constitutes as our summer and soon it will start raining and become chilly and we'll look back fondly at this time whilst commenting that our summer this year seemed a little longer than it had been last year.

It's already coming to a close. There are threats of rain this afternoon. My friendly neighbourhood radio station this morning woke me up with the news along with the comments that all of us were already thinking which was, "if we all wish hard enough, maybe the rainclouds will simply go away." I feel like I should be in an episode of Care Bears, the whole country getting together, closing our eyes and wishing that our dreams can come true.

So far, although it has become slightly overcast, there has been no rain so we are all very excited as a nation.

In other news, I found myself completely aghast at my blatant lack of regard for the internet as yesterday I discovered that a new Starkid production had been put on youtube over a month ago and I was completely oblivious to it until last night. This fact alone left me feeling like I had failed as a person, which I'm sure you'll all agree is an adequate realisation to such an act. (For those of you who are saying "Starkid? Who are these people?" Please, please go and check them out. You may need several hours to go through their entire work but they are a theatre company who put on full productions and then upload the entire thing onto youtube. They are highly funny and definitely worth a look at.)

Anywho, they have a new production out called Holy Musical B@man. Which I made Housemate-Anna watch with me last night. Initially (being a more 'talk to people I can actually see rather than people I meet on the internet' person) Housemate-Anna was a little dubious about my choice of evening entertainment. Expecially when a man (Jo Walker) came onto the stage dressed in a very 70's style batman outfit with a plane model around his torso pretending to fly around Gothom. However, once she heard the song he sung about how he was so lonely without his mama and papa and how he needed a friend apart from his rubbish butler, I think she was converted.

Needless to say that I am scratching back my points on the internet by converting as many noobs as possible. Housemate-Anna is generally open to new and interesting TV shows that I might throw her way. She has drawn the line on Doctor Who, which I have taken at sheer blasphemy and almost found myself close to moving out, but then I thought... why not see it as a challenge? If I can get her into Starkid, The IT Crowd, Dawson's Creek, Phone Shop and even, for a total of five minutes before she realised what it was, Torchwood (the spin off series from Doctor Who) then there is still hope. My TV favs will be her TV favs. All I have to do is sit her in front of Flight of the Conchords and I am edging my way closer and closer to the ultimate goal... I will brainwash her. It is my duty as one of those weird housemates who doesn't really engage with the real world and prefers to spend her life wandering around the imaginary one. Wish me luck!

Peace out my lovelies

A couple of letters

To the people at my work who like to spontaneously turn the power off in my office,

Sometimes I try and work out just why you choose to this... without warning. But usually, when I start to apply logic to it I simply find myself at a loss.

Today was no exception to the rule, except that I might have been that little bit more peeved as usually I have a kickass saving technique for all my work and today I had not got round to implementing said technique. As such, there was a LOT of work that you consequentially then went and wiped from my computer. Needless to say, I was not the happiest of people when this realisation dawned on me.

I have, however, decided exactly why it is that you decide to this little trick to me... You hate me. You delight in causing me pain and discomfort and sit in your little office looking into hidden cameras of me to laugh heartily at my despair and open weeping... if this is the case, I can explain about all that muttering to myself during the day... there is a chance that you won't accept my reasons as a valid excuse but I can explain it.

Anywho, I just thought that I would let you know that I am onto you and I will not stop until I bring you to justice. Believe me, I won't say when but it will happen... when you least expect it... either that or I'll just cry and mutter to myself angrily the next time you do it whilst throwing empty threats onto the internet to make me feel better and more justified about my life.

So you know... be ready for that.

Lisa

To everyone on the internet who has been disappointed in my blatant lack of commitment lately,

I have no words. I have no excuses. I am a bad person. A bad, bad person. I have been floating about in a lazy haze, unmotivated and being all sucky for those reasons.

There has been an excuse that I have that has not helped the matter, but I can't blame it fully on this... two weeks ago, I went to the actual real life Hogwarts, shred myself of my muggle status, donned my Griffindor cloak, mounted my broom and reached out with baited breath towards the snitch flying just beyond my reach. I walked in the great hall, I wandered around Dumbledore's office and gazed longingly at the bed Rupert Grint would have pretended to sleep in, in the boys Dormitory in Hogwarts. I caught the Knight bus, stopped and had a butterbeer, knocked on the Dursley's front door in Privett Drive and sat in the side car of Hagrids motorbike whilst One-And-Only-Daniela pretended to drive me to magical places...

I then saw Tom Riddles' gravestone. My mouth opened in sheer awe, it looked terrifying, looming over me in a shadowed area in between the knight bus and Privet Drive. I could not take my eyes off of it, Voldermort had me in his trance. I simply had to have a photo of this terrifying spectacle to tell the world that I had been brave enough to get as close as I was to such an ominous thing. In an adrenaline rush that took over my entire body, I whipped my iphone 4s out of my bag with such gusto that, before I knew what was happening, the phone was out of my hand and flying through the air. Gravity took over and no matter how far I lunged forward to save my poor little brick that was my lifeline to all things internetual, the phone landed on the ground before I could reach it with such a large 'thunk' that I swear I actually heard it's little heart break from the strain. With an immense chill that encompassed me entirely, I reached down and retrieved my phone, knowing before I even turned it over, that there was no way the poor thing could have survived such a horrific accident.

I was right.

My phone lit up as I pressed the little round button but instead of the picture of my beautiful god daughter staring up at me as is per usual, all that my phone showed me was a series of blue lines. It had happened, Voldemort had struck again and I felt the full force of his expelliarmus spell on me. He must have thought I was going for my wand rather than my phone and wanted to disarm me as soon as possible, which sucks because I hadn't even been given my first wand yet... I'm a late bloomer in terms of my wizardry. If only Voldemort had known.

So due to this, I can only navigate my phone through the use of Siri and guess where the numbers are in terms of tapping on the right thing on my screen. I have an old iphone which has wifi access but no active sim card. My internetual life has therefore become very limited and for this I am sorry, I should have been more on my guard in the presence of he who must not be named.

In case any of you are wondering where the heck I was when all this happened, I was at the Harry Potter Studio Tours and it was simply amazing, aside from the obvious incident mentioned above.

Also, if anyone was curious, butterbeer tastes like a liquified version of Worthers Originals.

I will try my hardest to be more motivated, I like it when I am motivated. I also miss all my internetual friends. There has been a deep hole in my life since I have been absent.

Sorry my lovelies

Lisa

She was a pretty awesome gal: an explanation

It's funny how life can get you sometimes. Right in the gut when you're least expecting it. Today has been a bad day because one of the most bizarre and ausome girls died two years ago today. As such I have found my eyes to be leaking incessantly and sadness appears to be creeping up on me from all angles. I miss this girl pretty much every day but for some reason today, being her anniversary has hit me harder than usual. I don't totally get it as technically this day is no different from the rest of my days, I do miss her all those other days but what is the difference? Maybe because it is now two years that I haven't heard her dirty laugh and it marks that time goes on without her which, in my opinion is a travesty, especially for those who never got a chance to meet her.

Each time today when I have tried to explain her awesomeness To current friends who never had the chance to meet her, I have found myself saying, "dude, you would have loved her, she would have totally made you laugh for all the wrong reasons. The fact that she was able to do this was down to one simple thing, she was truly a one in a million. I worked with Tammy Evans for a short year and a half and not once in that time did she ever not surprise me. She was fierce and loyal and so rediculous you couldn't help but be carried away by her frantic schemes. I wish more than anything that I had gotten to know her better than I did because with Tams there was always so much more to learn.

You see, this girl had cancer. The crappiness of it all was that she was completely on the mend: clear scans and all, when she suddenly became sick and died in the space of one week. All this meant, that even though we had been there with her for the 6 months she battled with chemo, we all really thought that she'd won.

I want to do her justice, the problem with all of this is that although I knew her well, today I realised that I was in fact starting to forget odd things about her. There are things that will never be forgot like that amazingly dirty laugh of hers and the crudeness she added to all that she had to say. Her complete honesty in everything, no matter how deep the details of her experiences went.

I sat with her at her funniest, at her most vulnerable and at her most rediculous. I pretty much loved all sides of her, I like to think that bits of her have been rubbed off on me.

For example, I text a mutual friends of ours today and called this woman in the text "my lovely". This friend simply text back... "That's what Tammy used to call everyone." I had completely forgot that she did but as you can all see by the way I sign off my blogs, (peace out my lovelies) I had inadvertently gained her trait and have taken it with me as pretty much very text I send to a loved one starts with "hey my lovely".

I know you guys have no relevance to this woman, and so can only read with maybe a little bit of sympathy but not much relativity, but I can only tell you now. I wish you could have known her, and if I had had the brains to start this blog a year prior to when I did, her conversations and antics would fill most of the pages on this thing.

Sorry to be so morbid today, but I assure you, she is a woman that not one of you wouldn't have adored because, quite simply, she was 100% unique. Therefore I had to write a blog to explain my retweet of last years blog and take one silly and cheesy moment to say, every friend you have, every person that makes you laugh and cry like none other, every person who, when they surprise you by saying the most amazing thing ever and leaves you with that feeling that simply says "You're awesome." Cherish them. You probably already do but I felt that today I just had to reinforce the point because I don't think I told Tammy enough. And although I'm sure she already knew it (because she was awesome like that) I still regret not saying it aloud enough.

Peace out my lovelies.

Sometimes my parents simply make me chuckle.

Text I received from father after my last post:

"Just read your blog. Sounds amazing. Your Mum didn't get it and is concerned you have got into something weird. Mind you she also text me last night (I am at Gran's) to say she watched Titanic and found it depressing. Not even your Mother could expect that story to have a happy ending!!  Love you. Dad"

There are so many things that I loved about that text. But I decided to ring my mother to explain to her what this weekend had been all about.

Me: Hey Marmie
Marmie: Hey sweetheart.
Me: I hear you think I've joined a cult!
Marmie: It's okay now, your father has explained it to me.
Me: You didn't honestly think I'd actually joined one did you?
Marmie: I didn't know what to think! There was a lot of talk about gangs and fights. I didn't quite understand what was happening.
Me: Marmie, I talked about 1920s outfits and mentioned that everyone spoke in New York accents... In the middle of London.
Marmie: I know! It was very confusing.
Me: ... And so your mind went straight to 'cult?'
Marmie: Well, you read that post as if you didn't know it was connected to Bugsy Malone and tell me what you think it's about!

I have cleared it with her now though! My mother has realised that it was just a simple fun night out and she's set her mind at ease.

Phew! Me and my cult buddies are saved from that one!

Peace out my lovelies.

Random-Stranger: So answer me honestly, is this not the best night of your whole entire life? ... Me: Yes. Yes it is.

Ladies and gents. Those of you who were playing my little game on twitter will know that last night I was part of a highly secretive thing that I'm not allowed to talk about otherwise I might be viciously killed in some kind of gangster related crime that will be all over the papers tomorrow but hidden behind the excuse that I was romantically involved with the gang leader and then cheated on him with the leader of the opposite gang... or something like that.

I have decided however that I will tell you all where I went last night under my rights as a live reporter etc and so forth... however, if I do die in a gang related crime and they claim it was for the reasons above then I rely on you guys to get the real story out.

Last night at 6pm One-And-Only-Daniela and I dressed up to the nines... in our usual clothing... that we got from a costume shop... and wearing makeup that in no way was over the top for the times we are living in.

We had a post code and a time for a secret rendezvous, we didn't know much but we knew it was under a bridge, we had to bring a book, a flower and be all dolled up like two dames looking to have a swell time out on the town. Being the dumb broads that we were, we forgot the book and the flower but we came dressed to impress, wavy hair, headbands, beauty spots and all.

We arrived at this secret rendezvous and what we saw was simply awesome. Everyone dressed up to the nines in authentic 1920's dresses for the ladies and full on gangster suits for the gents. Under the bridge were people shouting at each other in thick New York accents. As soon as we arrived, a man came sidling over to us with a pin striped brown suit on and started asking us if we knew Dandy Dan and whether us fine dames had arrived here with him. Naturally, we said that we had no clue where he was and we had only just arrived ourselves. Of course because the man was talking to us in a thick New York accent, we both sounded like the most posh people you'd ever met in comparison.

The man proceeded to tell us to wait there as he was going to find Dandy Dan and introduce us. He went on to say that 'Dandy' would love to have us in his team and that he would be back. Off he went and our attention was momentarily taken by the man in slacks, braces, a tacky shirt and a flat cap who was waving newspapers around whilst standing on a box and shouting "Extra Extra! Read all about it! Another murder has taken place." Next thing we knew a woman with short black frizzy hair and more make up than us combined leaned in and said "Can you believe it? I can't believe what has happened to this town, it's gone straight to the dogs." Another woman from the other side chipped in, "I hear you doll, this used to be a nice town, not like now with all these hoodlums walking around."

It was at this point that I turned to One-And-Only-Daniela and simply said "This is the best thing ever."

Suddenly a group of men came bursting out of a side door, demanding to know where Dandy Dan's men were. From around the corner came Dandy Dan and another group of men and they proceeded to fight each other, throwing men over their shoulders, putting others head first into a trash can. They all eventually ran off hoisting up a few men in the air and carrying them away.

This was the point when a woman in a high New York voice came waddling over to us.

"Are you girls waiting for Dandy Dan?"

"Apparently." I said.

She held out her hand for us to shake. "Hi toots, I'm Lena Marelli. You've probably heard of me, I'm a big star you know. I'm also Dandy Dan's lady and he's asked me to show you into the club. Follow me girls and you won't get lost."

Lena waddled off again and we hurried to catch up with her.

"How much are you tempted to start speaking in an American accent?" I asked One-And-Only-Daniela.

"I'd be crap at it."

"I know, so would I."

"Still... it is tempting."

Half way down the road, Lena was babbling on to us and several others who had now joined our group. Suddenly she yelled out, "There he is! Look honey, I got your people, just like you asked."

Dandy Dan glided over to us, a tooth pick permanently stuck in his tooth and wearing a dapper grey pin striped suit with matching hat.

"Thanks toots." He turned to look at us. "Listen, when you get in there, I want you to wait for me down in my gym, I gots some things I need to discuss with you before you go in."

One-And-Only-Daniela and I simply grinned like cheshire cats and nodded dumbly back at him whilst whispering to each other "This is so cool!"

Dandy Dan sauntered off ahead of us and we continued to follow Lena. Once we got to the queue, she turned to us, said her goodbyes and waddled off.

Once we were inside, we were directed to a small room underground where Dandy Dan was waiting for us. He told us that we were about to enter the Speakeasy of one of his most hated enemies, Fat Sam. As such, we needed to ensure we had our wits about us and that he was going to need our help to defeat him. He asked us to meet in his gym in 20 minutes as he had a plan. He then opened the door for us and we were in a 1920's gym. He reminded us to meet him here, and showed us to the stairs which was the entrance to the Speakeasy. Moments later we entered the massive room that was officially Fat Sam's Grand Slam.

If you aren't aware of what film this whole night is based on yet then let me firstly say "Seriously????" and then throw in the next hour in simple bullet point clues.

1. The first drink we had was called a Tallulah Twist

2. A big built guy introduced himself to me as Fat Sam and told me he would like to call me legs. (FYI, this one I couldn't contain by excitement over, One-And-Only-Daniela was busy with her phone and hadn't noticed him sitting next to me, I simply grabbed her by the arm and squealed "Daniela! The actual real live Fat Sam is sitting next me and I think he's flirting! How amazing is that?" One-And-Only-Daniela immediately put away her phone and joined me as we both smiled our biggest smiles at Fat Sam. I hastily introduced One-And-Only-Daniela and she giggled in response to his compliments.

Fat Sam then asked me if I was a tap dancer, I immediately answered yes (I've never tapped in my life) and he encouraged us both to come and audition later in the night. (We did... with about 50 other people, under bright lights... my dress was a little bit see through, I'm guessing everyone found out what underwear I was wearing after that.)

3. There were dancers in very tight clothing with feathers in their hair.

4. One of these dancers, in between songs, came storming past our table with another man chasing after her. He was begging her for another chance, she eventually caved in and said he could have one last chance and if he screwed it up then she was done with him. He kissed her hand, walked away and the woman turned to us and said "That Bugsy, he thinks he's so slick." Both One-And-Only-Daniela and I shot round to look at the man again, mouths open in shock. This, of course, just caused THE Bugsy Malone (and when I say 'THE' of course I mean that these were all real people and that there were no actors at all... we actually did go back in time last night... sssh, it happened) ... wait where was I? Oh yes, this caused (say it with me people) THE Bugsy Malone to storm back over to us and demand to know what the dancer had said to us and whether she had been bad mouthing him. I naturally told him that she had said he was awesome (I may have found a more 1920's word than that) and that she was a lucky dame to have a fella like him. He said thanks and then shook my hand (which I will never wash again) and went on his way.

OH
MY
DAYS

It was the most fun I have ever had. All of this was brought to us with the songs being sung live as well, rumbles happening regularly. We were then ushered to the side of the room that had been turned into a Casino, which Dandy Dan naturally rumbled as well. We were all told to duck as splurge guns were shot into the air.

After this, the purpose of why we were all here happened, a screen slid down and the film came on. We all sat and watched Bugsy Malone whilst singing at the top of our lungs.

I went to the loo halfway through, came out of the cubicle to see in front of me the same thing I see every time I go out, ladies touching up their make up and fluffing their hair, only this time everyone was dressed in 1920's clothing and it was the feathers in their hair they were fluffing and the beauty spots they were touching up. I had to, at this point, turn to the woman next to me and simply say "This is the most surreal bathroom I have ever been in." She raised her eyebrows and said "Tell me about it."

At the end of the movie, as the final showdown starts to happen, waterproof macs were handed out for everyone to put on and paper plates were given to everyone with foam applied generously on top. As the Speakeasy in the movie is invaded, men came running into our Speakeasy and started shooting splurge guns everywhere, One-And-Only-Daniela and I of course proceeded to smother each others faces in foam whilst throwing each other into the eye line of a gangster with a splurge gun.

Want to see pictures? Of course you do.

To say that I had an awesome time doesn't really cover it. It was the weirdest, most bizarre night of my life and I loved every single second of it. I'd tell you more about it but it's meant to be a secret and I don't want to break any rules by talking about it...


Peace out my lovelies.

If you want money out of me then it is actually very easy. Give it a go.

I got gift vouchers for Marks and Spencer's this week so I decided that I would buy a dress for the wedding I shall be attending tomorrow. I bought a really nice maxi dress, full of colour. As I was leaving the shop, Housemate-Anna rang me and asked if I would pop into Accesorize and buy her some jewellery for her dress. With all the best intentions in the world I popped into the shop and proceeded to take picture of necklaces I thought would go well with Housemate-Anna's dress to send to her. 

However, after the first picture I was told off and said that I couldn't do that anymore. It would have to be my judgement alone then...

As I was looking amongst the necklaces I saw one that was the same colour as the dress I had just bought... I got the dress out to check this and realised that it was! I didn't really have the money to buy the necklace and I had no intention of actually purchasing it, but I just wanted to check, now that my curiosity was quenched I put the dress back in the bag and went to look for further jewellery for Housemate-Anna. 

However, as I went to move on, one of the shop workers slides on over to me. 

"Can I help you with anything?" she asked. 

"No, I'm fine, just browsing."

"Are you looking for a necklace to match that dress?"

I felt dread flow over me, I was not a strong person in moments like this. 

"I was just curious, that's all."

"Well the dress is a very colourful one so I wouldn't recommend more colour to go with it, something simple would be better."

"Huh, okay," I said. "Thanks for letting me know."

I went to move away but somehow she managed to block my path. 

"I'd recommend something like this necklace over here."

I considered just ignoring her and walking away but my social politeness just couldn't allow me. This was highly annoying as (as I had previously stated) I had no money at all. The dress was only available thanks to gift vouchers from work. 

So, alas, I followed her to the new jewellery section. She proceeded to put necklace after necklace out and show me, encouraging me to get the dress out of the bag so that we could all see the full effect of the two things together and see just how much they complimented each other. 

After the third necklace my heart sunk... I was too deep in this sale now. When this happens, I physically cannot say no. I feel too sorry for the woman who has invested all this time in me. I know, this is a ridiculous reaction to have, but I just don't like awkward moments that inevitably happen when, after half an hour of showing you things, you tell them they wasted their time and say no. 

So with this stupid logic in mind, I really had only two options available to me. 

1. Buy an expensive necklace. 
2. Buy a cheap necklace. 

I opted for 2.

Out of all the necklaces she showed me, there was one that was miraculously only £6. Also she seemed quite fond of this one and seemed to be encouraging me to buy it. Although when I started to favour it, she seemed to back track and suggest the pearl necklace she had shown me earlier. By some amazing feat of strength (or desperation over the sheer little amount of money I had) I managed to stand my ground and choose the cheap £6 necklace.

As such I ran to the counter, parted with my money and legged it out of the shop. It was only as I was walking down the street that I realised I hadn't actually achieved what I had gone in there to do. Housemate-Anna's jewellery. 

I briefly considered going back but I feared what other bags and bracelets and earrings I would inevitably end up with so I kept on running towards the bus and broke the pathetic news to Housemate-Anna via text as I felt too ashamed to ring her. 

I think this is a good start to an awesome wedding weekend. Speak soon. 

Peace out my lovelies.