Halloween in England: Your guide to how to mediocrely care about something that seems to excite other people.

Rachael-The-Bully had a birthday do this weekend. Which meant I sang karaoke and we drank wine at our local pub. It was Halloween themed but no one in England really cares enough to do anything about it. So what you end up with is a half hearted attempt at some form of spooky theme... You know the odd cauldron here, a paper skeleton there... And 100 people packed into a room dressed in normal clothes whilst 8 or so people mingle in amongst them covered in blood with a sharp instrument of some kind protruding from their head. 

It's not that any of us don't like the holiday, it's just that... Well... As a whole we are all just incredibly incredibly lazy. As such, we will sit around and talk about how cool it would be if we got dressed up and knocked on stranger's houses in order to steal sweety goods. We will remark about how amazing it must be to spend one Halloween night in America to see how it's properly done, but inevitably we will either opt for the "jumper and jeans" look or stick a witches hat on and say that's good enough. 

I'm not saying that every single British person is the same but I have yet to go to a party that is any different. You will get the odd one who has made an effort but everyone else just sits and laughs at that person whilst having the following conversation: 

Person A: Oh look! Someone has come completely dressed as the invisible man!
Person B: Wow, he looks amazing. How does he breathe in those bandages? 
Person A: I don't know but what a good idea! I wish I had thought of that, it looks so good. 
Person B: I know. We should have got dressed up this year. 
Person A: We should have. I wish you had said something earlier... I have the perfect Smurfette costume and I've only had a chance to wear it once. 
Person B: Ah well, next year we'll be more proactive. You know, like they do in America. 
Person A: Yeah, next year we'll dress up as something awesome. 

And the following year? We don't do anything different, we even have the exact same conversation again. 

And as for trick or treaters? I haven't even bought any sweets tonight. I don't usually get any people knocking on my door and if in case there are any, I tend to watch Tv quietly in a darkened house and ignore the doorbell. It usually works... I mean they're some stranger's kids, they're not to know I don't have a life. 

Also I think the concept of trick or treating is a little lost to us. We tend to appear slightly baffled at the idea of dressing our kids up, telling them to go against everything that we have taught them and to actually knock on a stranger's door and ask them for sweets. 

As such, the only trick or treaters that do go out usually only venture to the houses of people they know so as to ensure that none of their kids end up eating a sweet full of poison or heavy sedatives. 

And that, is how I know Halloween. 

Peace out my lovelies.